This is my mom. Isn't she beautiful? I keep telling her so, she doesn't listen lol None of my friends ever believe me when I say she's 51 lol Took this picture today on my camera phone, I said "Oh hey, mom, this is a good picture." (She hates having them done.) And she said "There is no such this with me." So I promised that when I emailed it to myself and edited it, she'd like it.

Mom went to the post office to mail out some forms for insurance (one of which will be effective immediately, yayness) and I emailed myself this picture and edited it in my email since I'm at work and don't have Paint Shop Pro here. She got back a few minutes later and I called her over to look at her and I got a very surprised "Oh... wow... I actually kinda like that... It's kinda good."

Hehehe... Keep telling her if she'll genuinely SMILE I can take good pictures of her. She's so camera phobic.

Reading more about the plans to blow up those planes out of London. Is it bad that all this does anymore is piss me off rather than scare me? I mean, if it HAD happened, I might be a little freaked out for a while. But they caught them, it didn't happen, they knew what was going on and stopped them. I'm really not afraid of it at all. And I think that I'd really like to go to NY now since I know flying is going to be really safe lol Security is never tighter than after a "scare" like this.

Just wouldn't be able to take my water. Or my MP3 player. Damn.

My dad took about $1000 to the casino last night. I'm more than pissed over that. I don't know how much he actually spent or not. He SAID he was only taking in $100, leaving the rest in the car. Ha. Heard that before. I also remember him saying "Oh it was about $200 I guess..." And when mom gets the bank statement it was closer to $800 spent.

My parents are in trouble. Many factors but mostly it's my dad not giving a damn anymore. He never comes home, he sleeps downstairs, he doesn't listen to anything my mom has to say or respect her. I love my dad. I do. But I don't think he really cares about anyone but him. On that account I wonder if his addictions were broken, if that would go away. But knowing all I know about my dad's past now, I somehow doubt that.

I love him, I like hanging out with him, I like talking to him. But he's just really not a father to me anymore. I wonder if it's because I've grown up. When I was little dad was always around me, always wanted to play, and tell me stories, I remember him singing me to sleep. He used to sing "Summertime" to me. I love those memories. But now I'm almost completely grown, I want to talk about politics, beliefs, I want to talk about things that go on in the world, serious deep discussions. And as soon as that started happening, dad started losing interest in me. I don't blame him, really I don't. I don't resent him. It's just the way he is, he's not a bad man. I love him. It's just that I look at my life with my dad and our relationship and how it's changed... I feel kinda like I was a puppy he lost interest in. And what I guess I find most disturbing, is this doesn't bother me at all.

My mom and I had a really long talk last night. Very deep. And I asked her blankly, "Do you really want this for the rest of your life?" She stared at the bed we were on for a minute and said quietly, "I can only deal with one thing at a time." I know their relationship is falling apart and has been for some time. I'm not blind, and not stupid. If this had only been something over the last few months, or even years I wouldn't think anything of it. But it started when I was little and has gotten worse.

I don't want my parents to get divorced, I want them to work things out and be happy together. But if they can't be happy with each other, then I want them happy however they can be. My dad had a really large ego, my mom is timid, it's hard to see them working it out. But I'll hope. I'll pray. I'll listen and help if I can. But I wanted her to know that I supported her however she needed, and I refuse to take sides. They are both my parents, I love them both more than anything, only God comes before them. The only other person in my life that could even rival that love is Will, and we're planning our lives together.

Sometimes I think I think too much.

UPDATE: Previous Entry

I'm still trying to figure out any other way I could be getting these infections, since I'm such a clean freak. (Seriously it's not unusual at all for me to take two showers a day and it's an extreme rarity for me to not take a shower a day. My mom makes fun of it lol) No matter what I dig up, all signs lead to a hormonal imbalance. Damn. Would love it to be something else that would just require a change of lifestyle, but I've done everything I can that doesn't involve prescriptions.

We'll also have insurance soon, hopefully in the next two weeks, only temp insurance but we're also applying for long term insurance too. But it'll get my mom into the doctor to get her medications for her diabetes and hopefully an appointment for me to at least run some tests to see what's going on with me.

I'm still having my suspicions about the steroids I was put on around puberty and wondering if that's screwed my hormones up. Wouldn't surprise me. There was one woman on that medication that gained twice her bodyweight. Scary isn't it?

Oh well, I must eat lunch, starving. This is what happens when I ramble lol