I just got off the phone with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Angie. She's just a little older than I am and I've known her since I was nine, and even though we've spent most of our friendship apart, whenever we're together it's some of my happiest moments. Her and I click incredibly well. We're always giggling and teasing each other when we're together, confiding all our problems and fears, giving up our secret shames, talking seriously sometimes over politics, etc, but never getting the slightest bit ruffled with each other. We've always excepted each other for who we are, completely, totally.

She's my best female friend in the world.

If I believed deeply in soul mates, and not in a romantic implication, that a soul mate is someone you're meant to know, that there is more than one etc, I'd say she was mine. We've always been close.

She got pregnant early this year, and now the baby is kicking. She's excited, and nervous, I could hear it in her voice. Still with the father I think, I hope. She wasn't married. The only reason that worries me honestly is because I want to know someone is looking out for her. I know she'll be a wonderful mother, she has the heart and common sense for it. She's very protective of people she loves. She's not the wisest person, I say that knowing her mistakes, but any child born to her is a lucky one.

We were talking about the baby and Angie said she wouldn't be surprised if it ends up playing soccer, as much as the baby kicks lol I laughed and said that'd be fine. Then we got to talking about how when we were little we would dunk our Barbies in mud and that we used to dig holes and climb trees, and were definitely not girly girls. Even if we liked pretty things, we wouldn't say no to getting covered in mud and catching frogs.

It was a short conversation, she was in a truck and had to hang up. But it made me want to see her so badly. I'm very protective of her. I love her so much.

She told me after she gets off the road (her and I met on a carnival and she's still there) they're (I'm assuming "they" is her boyfriend, the baby's father) are going to buy a car and after the baby is born she wants to come visit. I told her that'd be wonderful, we have an extra room and I don't think my parents would mind at all them coming and staying for a while.

Her and I both feel like it's going to be a little girl. I really hope it is. I think Angie would have an easier time raising a little girl first, and I see her being much more understanding of a little girl. Plus, you know, I would love to buy her lots of little girl things, like Barbies she'll cover in mud lol

As happy as I am for her, knowing that this is her blessing, I'm also sad. Not for her, but for myself. I suppose I feel a little left behind. Her life moving forward the way it has and me still in the same place. I'm worried that this will put a gap between us, she's a mother now, and I'm far from it. I know that I'm no where near that time in my life really, but us aging, changing, so differently makes me worried to lose her as a friend. I know that happens, people outgrow each other. I guess I feel a little like the lone bridesmaid so to speak lol

I'm struggling with what my mother identified as the "nesting urge" right now. Wanting my own home, my own life. To be my own. I see that in the way I act too. When it comes to cleaning the house etc I have no issues doing it when I'm home alone. In fact, I do a damn good job. But when my mother is there, I tend to pull back, retreat to my corner. It's like I'm tending someone else's nest, and then the owner comes back and I'm reminded, it's not mine, not my nest. So I pull back to my corner, my temporary nest.

I know it's natural, but it doesn't take away guilt I feel for wanting to "leave" my parents. It doesn't make me stop feeling bad for feeling "pushed out" when my mother comes home. It doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm abandoning my family. Even when I know I'm not.

Seeing Angie moving into this whole new stage of life makes me look at my own. And I'm not fond of what I see.