I've always had a problem with weight. Even when I was little and still skinny. Weight has been a major part of my life, always. My mother was always talking about her weight, how fat she was, yo-yo dieting, hating herself, being vocal. It imprinted in me that being skinny, thin as least, is the only way to be beautiful.

The last time I was thin, was when I was seven years old. When I was eight I was put of steroids for asthma, as many of you know, and gained a devastating amount of weight. Steroids, I'm sure you know, never leave your body. My mother took me off of them because of the changes, because she took me off of them I was allowed to grow out of my asthma.

My mom and dad called me Skinny Minnie when I was little because I was a beanpole. Straight up and down, thin as a rail. My weight was emphasized. I gained weight, very very quickly, and was teased and tormented by a lot of people, the kids were actually nicer than the adults. Then I hit puberty, wow, let's add a bit more to a bad situation. I gained more weight, like most people do, even if it's a little. I did my damnedest to cover myself up completely. Lots of loose clothing, shapeless, unappealing, wanted to melt into the shadows basically. I hated myself, and even though my parents knew that, that was the one time weight wasn't talked about.

I got older, lost a lot of baby fat, and started to act "like a girl" again. Wasn't as interested in covering myself up with a tent, but still wasn't happy letting people see me.

I've always been ashamed of my body. When I was skinny, I was too skinny, I didn't look like a girl, I was boyish. I got fat, let's face it, I was fat. I was never, in my mind, pretty. And I still don't think I am to be honest. I know that some people think so, but I think if it came to a poll to see what people thought, it'd be that I was average, plain. And I'm okay with being average, I'm fine with that. I'm not fine with being fat.

The last few months I've gained weight, and I know it. My mother was kind enough to help point that out the other day. I mentioned eating healthier and she started talking to me about all these diets, how they work, and wouldn't listen when I said I didn't want a diet, I wanted a change.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself again. I'm tired of wanting to cover up in sweatshirts and loose clothing again. I'm afraid to end up back where I was. I was so terribly unhappy. Those were the worst days of my life. I hated myself, I hated my body, I hated my life. I don't want that much hate in my life again.

There's so much against me right now, that I don't know how I can really change anything. I'm emotionally worn out. I'm caged. Trapped in a place I don't want to be. And I want to work to get myself out of here. I need out of here.