I Guess I'm Dreaming: One Deep Breath, One Big Step

Friday, May 11

There are things I don't like to talk about. There are quite a few things I don't talk to anyone about. I simply don't mention them because I don't want to turn it into a "thing." No one has a clue what's going on with me right now. I haven't talked to anyone. I don't know how to.

I'm starting to come to grips with something I'm not willing to accept.

I'm such a good liar. I can laugh and smile and ignore what's staring me in the face. It's not there, that big elephant sitting in the corner. It's not there. The truth isn't true, what's real isn't happening, what hurts isn't me.

Why am I back here... Why is this happening again? I'm scared to death and smiling the whole time. I can't tell if my denial is a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't even know how to tell you about it. I really don't. If I make this public and talk about it, it means people will comment, and if they comment, I have to talk about it. I have to hear about it.

I'd have to accept everything. And I can't do that.

God, I know I haven't been the best, but this isn't right. Please don't let it happen God. Please. Give me strength. Don't let this fall apart.

5 Comments:

Anonymous said...: Well now you have to tell me. I'm your twin, therefore entitled ;) Seriously though I AM Concerned

IM me on LoonarLanding (AIM)

~Me; 12/5/07 5:45 PM
emmapeelDallas said...: This sounds ominous, Lily. Please know that I'm thinking of you, and sending good thoughts your way.

Judi; 12/5/07 9:34 PM
Lippy said...: Hmm, I know what you mean about the reluctance. Of course, there's always email for a more selective audience...; 12/5/07 9:51 PM
Kris said...: I'm not sure if this saying has any relevance to what you're going through, but my father used to tell me, "You can lie to me about anything. Just make sure you're not starting to lie to yourself".

Perhaps the purpose of this post is to admit to yourself that something is indeed wrong.

No one expects you to write or talk about something you don't want to. If there's anything I could possibly give to you right now, it would be clarity as things unfold. And of course, a compassionate ear should you ever need one.

Kris; 13/5/07 11:25 PM
Alisha said...: Wow, I just discovered your blog and I loved it...I hope whatever is going on in your life comes together for the best.; 30/5/07 6:19 PM

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home

About Me

Name: dreaminglily

Location: Minnesota, United States

I'm currently 20 years old (as of Nov 22nd, 2007) and working for my parent's business. I answer phones and do paperwork. But that's not who I am. I'm interested in business and specifically real estate and marketing. I haven't gone to college yet but will eventually. I've been with my boyfriend (Will, William) for 3 years last September. He's graduating this spring and will be moving here shortly after where we hope to get a place in the Cities. (I live near the Twin Cities in Minnesota.) I was raised mostly in the south, spent my early childhood in specifically Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. I was raised on a carnival and I'm not ashamed of it, my parents worked hard and were honest. It opened my eyes to a lot of the world and forced me to grow up. I've lived in a total of 23 states. If you want to know my personality, try reading an entry.