This song playing now (may take a minute or two if you're on dial up) is a song that I have felt so close to ever since I heard Johnny Cash sing it. The first time I heard it, I cried for a really long time. I think most of you know everything that happened to me when I was younger. How much I've struggled with depression. I don't downplay it at all, but it makes me angry at myself.



It makes me angry that I've become so wrapped in my own problems I forget what it does to the people I love.

It makes me so angry that I don't take a step back and realize, this isn't about me, my life is not mine, my life belongs to God.

It makes me angry that I can be so selfish.

It makes me angry that I've said to Will how much I've wanted to die, and KNOWN how much it'd hurt him.

It makes me angry that I don't talk more about everything that goes on in my head.

It makes me angry that I don't tell anyone how angry I really am.

It makes me angry that I bottle things up so much sometimes that I want to just vanish.

It makes me angry that at any point in time, I didn't care about hurting everyone I love.

It makes me angry that I have hurt them, in such a terrible deep way.

It makes me angry that I don't turn to God as often as I should, and that I need to remember my place.

It makes me angry that there isn't a church here that I can find that really is filled with His spirit so I have a place of faith to turn to when I lose my way.

It makes me angry that I don't see I'm losing my way until it's happened.

It makes me angry I don't listen to God more often.

It makes me angry that I get so conceited as to think I can handle everything on my own.

It makes me angry that I don't learn from all these mistakes, even though I know I'm making them.



So here it is. God, I'm sorry, I've screwed up. I really really screwed up. I can't find a place to worship you, and I probably haven't tried hard enough. I'm sorry that I get so selfish, that I have become so vain. I'm sorry God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I have shamed you, by discrediting Your creation-- Me. For taking away my value. For not using the gifts you gave me Father. For not praising you every morning, and night. For not opening my eyes and seeing Your glory all around me. For shaming my parents and their attempts to raise me to be a good Christian. I'm sorry God. And I'm sorry for judging myself, I'm not allowed to judge human life. You, my Lord, my Creator, my Father, are the only being allowed to judge my soul, and I've forgotten that. I've forgotten what You've taught me.

It's time for me to clean myself up. It's time for me to try and be a better person, a better Christian, to better serve my purpose as God's creation.

You sent me a message yesterday Father, and this time, I paid attention. I'll listen to You. I need to come home, I've been away too long. Help me, show me the way I need to go. I love you God, and I want to make you proud of me. I want to stop hurting You. I want to stop shaming your creation.



It makes me angry that I shamed my God.

It makes me angry, that I didn't do this sooner.

(All pictures are from http://hubblesite.org/gallery/album/)