What I'm about to do is inspired by the woman that writes Bright & Dirty. I saw her entry and it made me wonder what I could do with five minutes. What she did was type all her thoughts, unedited, for five minutes. So... here goes...

Giving all my thoughts. This can't be a good idea. What's on my tv? I don't know. Some crappy movie probably. I should turn it off. But then I have to stop typing. Should have thought about that before. Damn it's cold in here. I'm brilliant at leaving the window open. It's 53 degrees outside you idiot what did you think would happen? Wow I bet everyone is loving reading this. Haha, yeah I'm crazy. Bet they're just now noticing. You do realize they're reading this right? Yep, yep I do, and for some reason I keep typing. And talking to myself. Wow I'm cracked. I wish I turned the radio on. I want to listen to Matisyahu. He is so cool. I love his music. Really spiritual. Why am I having such a hard time typing? It's like I'm trying to talk in front of 50,000 people. I feel like I'm stuttering. I don't like that calendar picture. It's weird. The cat is huge and the dog is like a flea. It's just weird. GOD I wish I had turned off that damn tv. It's driving me crazy. Must be an old movie. Women keep doing that King Kong shriek that breaks glass. I need to clean up in here. Too much trash. I wonder what Will's doing. I wish he was here. I miss him. WILL THEY STOP SHRIEKING ALREADY?! Grr... I need to put those books away. I left them out for a while. Just sitting there collecting dust that I have to clean off. Mom didn't bring down her laundry like she said she would. Now it has to wait another day. Screw it, I'll wash whatever's in their room and if she doesn't like it, too bad. I asked her three times to bring me her laundry. I have too many empty glasses in here. All I've been drinking is water. I couldn't just bring one down to refill it? That was weird. Why did I type that? Why am I do critical of myself? Do I really want people to see this? NO, I DON'T. But I probably will let them because I'm a complete drama queen. Damn it. Definitely don't want people reading this. Why am I so negative. Because I'm cold. My hands are freezing. I need to read. I want to go read my book. Wonder if mom's mad at me for not calling her yet today? Probably not. I doubt she noticed. Shit, I forgot to leave that book out for her. Oh well, nothing I can do now... Did she get it herself? No, no it's still on the shelf. I have a lot of books. I need to give away some of my children's books. A lot of them are crap anyway. I need out of this house. I can't stand living here. Wow now I really didn't want to type that. I didn't want people to know about that. I could delete it. Just highlight those sentences, well THESE sentences and hit delete, hit backspace, and it'd all be erased. I don't want people to know I want out of this house. I don't want people to know how unhappy I've been lately. I don't want people to know that I'm going through a really bad time. I don't want people to know I cry every day. I don't want people to know that I read because I can't take the pressure of my life. I don't want people to know a lot about me. I don't want people to know the thoughts that I'm pushing into the back of my head so I don't have to type them. I don't want people to know how badly I need Will. How much I rely on him. I don't want people to think I'm stupid for putting so much of my heart in him. Wow... there's a lot I don't want people to know. I wonder what's wrong with me... What happened to me, to make me this way? So open and so closed at the same time... Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I typing all this? You know why, Lily... You know why... Because you really want sympathy, because you need someone to tell you everything will be okay, because deep down you're just a terrified little kid, that doesn't know where to turn... Because you need someone to tell you what you aren't sure of... Because you crave to be close to people, and yet you're so scared of letting anyone in, of letting them see you cry, letting them know you at your worst, because you think you have to be perfect... Even when you tell everyone that no one is perfect. You're such a hypocrite. You tell everyone their flaws make them beautiful but your flaw, yours, they make you hideous. Why is that? Why do you forgive everyone but you can't forgive yourself?

Oh god lucky me... time's up... Now to decide if I want to publish this. If you're reading it, you know what I chose.