The writing has come back. In the form of anger.

There's something about my life a lot of you don't know. Even though it effects me deeply. My dad is a gambling addict.

Last night he went to the casino. I know he was there before six o'clock but I don't know how much before. About 12:30 last night I looked outside and saw some really intense fog. I couldn't see across the street. Dad wasn't home. So I called him, he was still at the casino. I told him about the fog and that I was really worried about him driving home in this. He said not to worry but I suggested he get a room there. He said he'd call before coming home so I'd know when he should be there.



Fog on deck, flash on.


The fog outside. Streetlight is on the corner behind my house. Here's a dayshot.

I stayed up until about two AM talking with Will (thank you baby for staying up with me) but we were both exhausted and dad still hadn't called. He didn't want to leave me waiting alone until dad got home so he called me and we talked for a couple of hours. I fell asleep soon after, dad still hadn't called. Mind you, this is now after four AM.

Mom woke me up around ten, and I walked the dog. I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and saw big black rings under my eyes. Okay, I decided to go back to bed for a bit.

Got up at noon to the phone ringing. It was dad. He was calling me from the showroom. (My parents own a fireplace store.) And he said in a very sarcastic tone, "Did you JUST get up?"

"Well, yeah, I WAS up until four AM waiting for you to call."

"Oh... Hey I need you to do something for me."

And then he goes into arguing with me about the scanner we have there. That no, you CAN blow up images on there. "YES, you CAN, I've done it BEFORE." I'm grinding my teeth and remind him that it was a DIFFERENT printer/scanner. The one THERE is Epson, the one he's THINKING of is Dell. "Oh well why the hell do you have the good one?" Getting really pissed off now, I think, Because YOU said the ink for DELL was TOO EXPENSIVE, because YOU wanted an Epson THERE, because YOU brought this one home. But I kept my mouth shut and let him rant on.

He finally said, "Whatever I have to figure out how to do this, bye." I laid there in bed growling to myself. I was so furious with him. I still am. I've been sitting here fuming over it since. I took a shower and was still fuming. Showers generally relax me out of that.

My father goes off and spends most of the day, all evening, and all NIGHT AND MORNING at the casino, spending probably $800 and I'M the one getting yelled at?! I stayed up until FOUR AM waiting to make sure he got home safe and I don't get an apology for him acting like an ass?!

Tell me the logic in this, please do, because I don't see how I'm the bad guy.

I'm not the one that spent so much money last year that when taxes were done I stopped gambling for over a month because I scared myself. (And no, I don't know how much he spent.)

I'm not the one that's had my wife threaten to leave me.

I'm not the one that's had my child crying herself to sleep because she was so scared of where daddy was, and if we'd be kicked out of our house because we can't pay bills.

I'm not the one that can't even admit I have a god damn problem that's ripping apart my family.

I'm not the one that made my child be HAPPY when I don't come home, or can pretend she's asleep so she doesn't have to see me.

No, I'M NOT the one to be blamed. And I'm not a little girl anymore that "doesn't understand." I understand perfectly well. My father is lazy, my father is looking for easy ways out, my father is blind to the fact that he's spending more than he'll ever make, my father is an ass for not seeing what it does to his child and his wife, and I'm really about to explode.

I can't tell you how badly I want out of this house right now. How much I'd like to pack up my things and leave. I'm done. I'm just done with this bullshit. I love my parents, I love my father, but I'm not forfeiting my life because HE has a "little problem." Everyone knows what dad is but him. And I can't take it anymore.