Sitting here at work. Trying not to pay attention to the seemingly never ending pile of paperwork sitting next to me.

Maybe if I ignore it long enough it'll sort itself by date.

Maybe.

And maybe Santa will leave a $100 bill in my stocking for Christmas. And maybe I'll get that truck I've had my eye on for my birthday. And maybe hell will freeze over.

Maybe.

I can't really describe it. But something has changed about me.

I don't know.

I think I grew up.

Weird.

When did that happen?

Ick...

I know these thoughts are random. Just like everything else in my life. Random. Throw of the dice kind of thing.

Will's mom invited us to come stay with her sometime in NC. Have to say that surprised me. Not entirely sure why it did either. Why wouldn't she want to meet me? I am a major part of her son's life now. Makes sense.

I guess.

Friend of dad's is looking at the light fixtures outside the store. They've never worked. He's trying to see if we can get some light in the parking lot. That'd be nice. Maybe even look like we're open after dusk. Ooooh. Fancy pants stuff, I tell you what.

Dad's lost weight. I didn't notice until mom mentioned it to me. I wonder if he's been eating. I know he's bad about eating. Sometimes only gets a meal in a day.

There's a "new" study saying the less you eat the longer you live. He'll probably outlive me in that case.

I already think he'll outlive mom, barring heart attack or stroke. He does have problems with blood pressure, etc.

And mom has diabetes. That never helps. She doesn't think she'll live past seventy. That only gives me about ten plus more years with her. God that's not long enough. I need her longer than that. Maybe if I ask God real nice He'll give me longer.

Maybe.

My best friend Angie is having her baby this month. Little girl. Nicole. I like that name. Nicole. I bet she'll be a spitfire little girl. I just feel it.

She's called me, I need to call her back. I think she's nervous about the baby coming. She probably just needs me to tell her it'll all be okay. Which of course it will. God's little gift to her. Her miracle. Her darling. Her mini me probably.

I need a headset for my phone. The speaker kinda sucks on my phone. If it's not in the right place I can't hear. So much for a phone with a retail value of $400 huh?

Can't return it either. Damn.

Mom looks good in bright blue. Don't know why I never noticed that before. I always liked her in dark red. But she has on a lovely blue shirt today. Really makes her eye pop. I wonder if I have her eyes...

Everyone always said I looked like dad. I'm not so sure about that anymore. Have to find mom's high school graduation photo. See what everyone thinks. I think I kinda look like her. It's not a great picture of her though. No idea who the black kid next to her was. He wasn't smiling. Odd. You'd think anyone with their arm around a beautiful girl like my mom was would be smiling lol

Funny. I say I think I look more like mom and I call her beautiful but I still have trouble believing I'm halfway decent to look at. Funny how our brain work isn't it?

I need to go to Wal Mart. I hope we do tonight. I need to get those pics from NY developed. I promised Will I'd get it done soon.

My love of film seems to be a downfall sometimes.

I want a new camera. The one I want is $2000 though. I could buy a laptop with that. I NEED a laptop.

Sigh.

I hate priorities.

Oh well I want a Mac. A $1400 computer. It's really awesome though.

I want to start college courses next fall. Not a lot, only part time. No idea where either. God I'm going to be busy this coming year.

Need a job too. I know my parents are going to start paying me soon. They did pay me back for the summer (that's what the money for the trip to NY was) so that's good.

But I need a paycheck.

I need money to start my business.

I need money to get a car.

I need money for a Mac for work and classes.

I need money for a camera so I can make a little extra with that.

I need money to go see Will.

I need money to start out my life on good footing.

I need a credit card too. I need to build up credit.

Sigh.

Too much to do, too little time.

My cat is sick. He'll be 12 on Easter. Not in cat years either.

I don't think he has much longer. It'll kill me when I lose him. I know it's when, not if. I hate losing cats. He's my first kitten too. I got him when I was seven. I picked him out, I named him. I babied him and turned him into the brat he is.

I love that cat.

He's lost about 4 lbs in a year.

I don't have much longer with him. I know that. I know how this works with old cats. I've lost two before. One we had to put down before he was four years old. He got really sick with a rare disease.

All my cats got sick before they died.

None of them just got old and fell asleep.

No one in my family has died that way either. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, car wrecks.

Never just old age.

I wonder if that's a sign to me to be careful.

But how careful can you be in a world surrounded with things that will kill you one way or the other?

I'd rather just enjoy what I've got while I've got it. We all die someday anyway, no matter what.

I know this must sound really depressing, but I'm not trying to be. Just thinking. Just wondering. Just letting my mind wander into the deep halls on my brain digging up random facts of no use to anyone really, except me. Since it's my brain and all.

If all great artists are crazy, and everyone says I'm going to be famous for my art, whichever it is, does that mean I'll be crazy?

Huh. Strange thoughts.

Maybe I should just write a book like this. Every little thought jotted down and collected into some wild rambling.

Someone would like it. But I doubt it'd make me famous.

I don't want to be famous anyway.

If I'm famous I'd rather be dead first. Famous people never get a moment's quiet.

Unless they're writers. And then it just depends on what they write.

I should write things no one cares about and then be discovered as brilliant after my death. I think that's the best way to do it. Your family gets the money, you get the peace and quite. Much rather have it that way.

I wonder if anyone laughs at any of this? I certainly am, giggling at my silly insane thoughts. Just one after another of complete, total randomness. Is randomness a word? Well it is now, I just said it lol

This is turning out much longer than I ever intended it to be.

Do you ever get that? That need to just write and write and not really care what you're saying or to who? Just a need to get it all out? All those built up dusty thoughts clogging your brain, making it cough and sneeze and congest itself with inane ponderings?

I've thought of starting a meme blog. Writing my own. I've thought of something I haven't seen anyone really do. But I wonder if I started one if anyone would even play. And if they did how loyal they'd be, or how long it'd take to build up people playing. And I don't want anyone doing it because they feel an obligation to me. It's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be creative and make you think.

I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I know I'd like to answer my questions if I read them. Doesn't mean anyone else would though. Certainly doesn't mean that.

I feel it ending, the slow drip drip drip of thoughts coming to their end.

Didn't realize I had so much backed up in there. I need to drain my brain more often I think.

God it annoys me when people say "off-ten." Will says it. Doesn't bother me for some reason. Maybe I actually don't care anymore. That'd be nice since it's right either way you say it, it's just a preference.

I bought a piece of fabric to bead for Will's parents. Still not sure if I'll do it, or if I'll like it once I see it. Well I know I like it but I don't know if it's doable to bead it. Hazard of buying online.

Oh well. I buy the other piece I was looking at too. I want to do something for them. I want to thank them. I want to show them a little of who I am too. Beading is part of who I am for certain.

Ah...

There it is.

The end of thoughts.