You know, I've always had a pretty good relationship with my mom. We fight, but it isn't often bad.

The last year or so... It's gotten impossible to be around her sometimes. I think it's menopause, dad thinks she's turning into my grandpa (which is highly likely), and my grandma and aunt both think she's in denial about lots of things. You know what they say, it's more than a river in Egypt.

Today I was trying (emphasis on the trying part) to talk to mom about some political issues. Instead of listening to what I was trying to tell her she immediately started talking, angrily, loud, over me. I got frustrated and told her to just please listen, to stop jumping all over me.

She just got angrier and started yelling more.

I said, frustrated, "God mom just quit it!"

And she shot back in the most angry vicious voice, "I won't fucking quit it, I'm fifty-two fucking years old I'll say whatever the fuck I want!"

Note, this is the woman that flinched when she said damn around me when I was little.

Right now I've got this knot in my gut like I want to cry. She has no idea how much she hurts me when she gets so angry. She has no idea how much she sounds like her father and I sound like her when they'd get into fights. (She'd always end up in tears; funny, now I'm the one always in tears.) She's really turning into him, and as much as I loved my grandpa, that's not good.

All I want right now is to talk to daddy, I need to cry. I need someone that understands exactly how angry she's become, exactly how hard it is to talk to her about anything anymore.

Hell, even when I'm agreeing with her I'm not agreeing the right way.

I am so lost. I have no idea what to do and it's killing me. My mom has been my best friend all my life. And now, I'm grown, I have my own ideas and opinions, just like she wanted. Except she didn't plan on my ideas and opinions actually being completely mine. She argues that's not true but her actions speak so much louder than that.

If she ever found out I wrote about this she'd probably disown me for talking about her like this. Amazing that as much as she loves me, she's more than willing to hurt me as bad as she possibly can.

Haven't said this since I was a little girl but... I want my daddy...