"Every time I'm fallin' down, all alone I fall to pieces..."

One of my favorite songs of all time. It strikes such a deep cord in me. I suppose it's because I'm the kind of person that breaks very easily. I've gotten pretty good at hiding exactly how fragile I am, but that never changes how deeply I hurt.

I'll admit, I hurt people. Sometimes very purposefully. Sometimes, it's intentional. It's a rebellion sort of thing, revenge, lashing out. Sometimes it's manipulation. Sometimes though... It's just me making a mistake.

I hate being out of control. Be it my emotions, my body, anything. I hate doing things then. I can't stand to lose control of myself. Probably why I've never tried drinking or drugs. I feel weak when I do lose control, completely exposed. It makes it all the worse, when that loss, hurts someone I care about. And believe it or not, those are the times I hate most.

Usually, I'd rather throw myself under a bus than hurt someone, even a stranger. I'm weak and emotional and empathetic to the point of being plain stupid. I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to keep someone from being hurt. I'm rather an idiot about it sometimes.

And that's when the trouble starts. I get so concerned about making sure everyone's okay that I forget to take care of myself, that I forget this person isn't good for me, that they're bringing me down with them, that I can save them, I can help them, I can heal them.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not as important to other people, as people may be to me. This subject has come up a lot for me over the last few days, which is why I'm writing it.

Lemme tell you... This wonderfully naive compulsion of mine has ruined my life in more ways than I'd ever let on.

I give myself away so easily. I put my heart into someone without a second thought. What's so strange about that is that I know whoever I'm idiotically trusting at the moment, is going to hurt me. No one ever cares about me as much as I care about them.

Ever. Period.

There are a handful of people I know right now that I would say would literally drop everything to help me, that are real friends. And by handful I mean maybe five.

The thing is, time after time, I think a person will be there for me and they aren't. Time after time, I look to them for help, for advice, god, for just a hug. And they aren't there, they scurry from me like I have the plague.

This is why Will was such a blessing for me. A person that loves me as much as I love him, who would literally walk through fire to get to me. I know what he'd do for me, because I know what he's done for me. He knows my flaws, he knows how badly I can act, how cruel I can be, how absolutely thoughtless I'm capable of being. And he forgives me, over and over. No matter how many times I hurt him, he loves me, completely, unconditionally.

I've done things that he should never have forgiven me fore, things that I'm still having a hard time with. But he loves me, he forgives me, he takes all of my screwed up parts and accepts me. He even tries to help me heal.

Blogging is a relief for me. I can be honest and open and throw myself out there and not worry about getting hurt. Someone leaves a nasty comment? Delete. It's just that easy. It's just so easy to let the bad stuff go on here... Right?

Not really. Words hurt me. More than anything else actually. I can stand being slapped, I can stand being called idiotic foul names. But when someone says something, intending to hurt me. I hurt. Deeply.

Something I've realized about myself since my whole cyber life started is this:

I really put too much value in what people think.
I really generally think people are good.
I really do develop deep emotional attachments that aren't returned.
I really do care about people.
I can be really naive.
I'm a sucker for a really screwed up headcase.
I do think I can fix people, even when I logically know I can't.
It's way too easy to hurt people when you don't have to look them in the eyes.
I can be a coward.
I'm an idiot.

Okay, so maybe those aren't all 100% of the time cases, but some of the time, every single one of those is true.

And you know what I have to say to me?

God Lily, just get over it.