I feel dead.

There's this cold numbness in me today.

I feel surrounded by death and ice and disconnect.

I haven't felt that connection to other humans lately. Not my cat. Not my books. Not the clear blue sky or the sounds of little voices laughing in the snowy landscape outside my window. Not the hawk that sits on his perch across the highway from work, in his usual stance. Not the music that usually courses through my body whenever I hear it.

Nothing.

Silence.

The cold formations of snowmen feeling more like me than me.

I'm missing something. I miss the sun. My connection to earth maybe, or just the need to feel a warm body next to me.

But I miss him. I truly miss him. I miss his hands and his arms, I miss his tender sweet kisses, I miss his stare cutting straight through me. I miss the smell of his skin, and the comforting knowledge when I laid my head to sleep that those were his deep slow breaths, that it was his chest rising and falling under my head, my arm, my hand.

I miss the shoulder to lean on when I'm tired. I miss laying with him talking softly, laughing, curling up tight against him, his arms pulling me close, his lips on my forehead, my cheek, my lips. Knowing beyond all doubt that I was loved by him. Every cell in my body acknowledging the gentle yet overwhelming presence of his love.

I miss the tickle fights (which I always win btw, he's weak lol), the debates, the middle of the night stops at McDonald's for a bite to eat and/or coffee/soda, the walks through deserted streets, trying to stay awake on the subway or bus. Just sitting together eating dinner and watching TV. I miss him. I just miss time with him. I just miss seeing him.

I miss being warm.