Today was actually a nice day considering I've had a really bad headache. I spent most of the day with the windows open, doing little odd jobs around the house. Now I'm sitting here listening to the kids on my street hoot and howl, scream and giggle. I do love being around children so much. I love how tickled they get from the simplist things, how every little thing that goes wrong is an utter disaster that might upset them at most a few hours. How dogs and cats are the most amazing invention ever and can truly be a best friend. How everything from the color of the sky to watching a blade of grass can be the most interesting thing they've ever watched. That most of the time the box a toy came in is more interesting than the toy.

It brings out everything in me that's motherly sitting here listening to those little voices outside. A little girl down the street from me is fascinated by me. When I go to pick up the mail and she's riding her bike she'll stop to talk to me or squeal as she races past me on her bike just so I'll ask if she's having fun.

As loud and annoying as being around all these little kids can be, I wouldn't give it up. I love them. They're flaboyant attitude and how dramatic they can be, they're neverending curiosity and their lack of forsight. Every charm to every flaw I find completely captivating.

I know I was born a mother, I've been this way since I was born. I craddled and cooed to baby dolls, I always picked up my younger friends when they fell and rushed to get a band-aid, even if they weren't bleeding lol... When I was about five or six I'd put a ball under my shirt and pretend I was going to have a baby lol I've always been the mother hen, the caretaker, the soft heart, the one that listens to every little problem like it really was vastly important. I've always been the first to care too much and the last to give up on someone.

Now that I've grown up and my problems aren't so small, I still dream about being a mother, especially listening to the little voices outside. I know I'm not ready for it, of that I'm sure. But the craving is very much there. I know I'll be a mother before I know it, so I'm not rushing a thing. I have the rest of my life to be a mother but only so many years of being a single being that can care for myself and only myself. Although, I wonder how true that is. I've never been one that really only cared about myself.

Earlier this year I went to an OBGYN for the first time actually. I told her about something I was concerned with, and no I'll spare you the icky details. She told me I might have a disease that would keep me from having children, and that, in my own safety, I should be tested. Of course I consented. It was the worst weeks of my life. My worst fear, above all, was to not have children, to not be able to feel that. I couldn't imagine in my worst nightmares never having my own child, feeling that inside me. To me that's heaven. To me that's the bliss I'm waiting for.

I remember the exact moment the nurse called with the results, I'll remember that the rest of my life. I was shopping with my mother for clothing, pushing everything out of my mind and immersing myself in pink skirts and green blouses and leather shoes. I looked at the number and realized it was the clinic, and the fear that I'd pushed out of my mind raced back in. I remember my stomach knotting and fighting with myself to answer the phone. I remember flipping open my cell phone and everything around me disappeared.

"Hi, this is Stacy with [insert clinic name]. I'm looking for [full name]?"

"This is."

"I've been told to call you and let you know all the testing came back normal."

I felt my knees go weak and I gripped the shopping cart tight enough I remember watching my knuckles go white.

"Oh... Oh thank you."

"No problem Miss [last name]." There was a long pause. "Do you have any questions...?"

"No, no, thank you... Thank you so much."

"Well, if you have any just give us a call."

"I will... Thank you, thank you...."

As soon as I hung up I started to cry. I remember my mom asking me if it was the clinic, if something was wrong. I remember laughing and said things couldn't have been better. And I remember everyone around me staring lol I must have looked insane, laughing, giddy with tears streaming down my face.

I remember how he told me not to worry but was scared too, especially after I went into all the possibilities of the disease, including cancer. And I remember telling Will everything was alright after the call, I think I had sent him a text message right after. I remember wanting him to know I was alright... And that if/when we wanted, I could have children, no complications. My biggest fear that I had shared and cried over with him so many times was completely unfounded.

Days like this, where I spend the day listening to children and thinking of Will, that comes back to my mind. And I know I'm making the right choices, that I'm with a man that will always be with me, that wants to be there with me forever. That cares about my dreams and wants, that will support me through everything. All of my fears he washes away, all of my doubts become faded memories. He's the man that the moment I saw him, the first time I heard his voice, my life fell into place and I knew there was no where else I needed to be. That every bump in my road, every failed plan, every goal I've lost and achieved was leading up to him. There's a knowing in loving him that I didn't know existed, even though I thought I did.

I'm in bliss now. Today is bliss. My every moment and thought. I'm in love. I'm on the path I'm meant to be on, and there's no part of me that can doubt it. He's everything I prayed for and more. I love him more than anything. He's my soul mate. This is coming from someone that believed soul mates are total bunk lol