I Guess I'm Dreaming

So It's Been a While

2010-01-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while. Life has started to really suck for me on some parts where on others life is great.

I have friends and family who really love me. I have two beautiful kittens now. I have my own place with a boyfriend who adores me.

But on the career side of things... I hate my job. I want to quit so bad it hurts. My boss is nuts and I'm cut off from everyone I know who had any ability to help me out. I feel like I got shoved behind the backburner. In fact I fell behind the damn stove. It takes me one to two hours to get to the store they transferred me to. One to TWO hours. I still don't make enough to even be able to afford a car. I don't know what to do. I'm so stuck. I need help and I don't know where to go to get it. I'm lost and alone in a job market that can afford to be picky. I need a break. I need the ice to crack, I'm drowning in a pool of self hate right now. I can't do anything right. My boss loves to remind me of that every day. The thing is she isn't intentionally mean. She's just brash. I need help. I need prayers. I need about a month off.

Just give me a sign. Give me hope. Just send me one person who can give me a hand up. Please god. I'm begging.

Sending out this plea, this prayer, in hopes of...anything.

So It's Only Been... Five Months

2009-05-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

::shifts::

Ahem... ::light cough::

Oh well hi there! Yeah... I know. Tell me about it right?

So... an update... At almost 3am.

I'm getting a promotion. Key holder. Haha. Sweet. (Let me pause a moment to reflect on the fact that I work at a chocolate store and just called my promotion sweet.... He...)

You all know my aunt moved to AZ, and my cousin was moving to Mexico... Well my cousin came back, and then she'll be moving to AZ too...

My grandma is moving to OKC. She lost her house to foreclosure. ONE missed payment. That's all it took. I don't want to get into why we couldn't fight it, it's long and complicated and frankly, I went to the auction of her things Sunday, and I just don't have the heart.

My youngest cousin is moving with her, as well as my "uncle" and "cousins" one of which is my autistic cousin. They'll be living with my uncle. We're having a debate as to whether or not my uncle knows he's having more than his mother move in. Somehow I doubt he knows yet.

So... Yet again, here I am, all alone, no family. It's once again, my and my parents and that's it.

Will and I are looking at apts. Found a nice place just south of Minneapolis that has promise. Easy commute for both of us. He's still at his place in St Paul, I'm still rooming in my folks basement.

I managed to get my evil assistant manager fired. We ALL celebrated that one.

I scored 100% on my first secret shop. I know. I rock lol

I feel drained lately. Like I'm just coasting, going through the motions.

Music doesn't move me, books are just words on a page, my friends aren't even enough lately to get me in good spirits. And my mini me is almost always capable of getting me uplifted. She always does that. I wish her and I worked together more often, I adore her so much.

I only have a five hour shift tomorrow. And I work with a girl (key holder) that I don't particularly like.

We have a guy from our insurance company coming by the house in the morning. Our roof is leaking.

I dug up a bunch of my grandma's plants. I refused to leave a lot of it. Mom's going to be planting it in the backyard tomorrow.

My kitty has gotten so big. He's so ornery lol He and the dog wrestle like mad in the floor almost every night.

My mice are getting old... I keep worrying about them.

My pup isn't a pup anymore and I'm having a hard time accepting he's a senior citizen now... Arthritis in his hips... Sigh... I'm going to have to put him on a new diet for that...

I think I'm going to get to bed. I see SOME of you have found me on a certain other website... Ahem lol If you have my email feel free to add me. It's under my legit name so don't freak out lol

I miss you guys. A lot.

The Season of Giving: Short Stories of Kindness

2008-12-24T06:57:00.000-08:00

How is it that in the season of giving I'm finding myself not only stunned by selfish behavoir, but by others being genuinely surprised by what I consider common courtesy?

Let me review...

Last week we had a lady come in and buy a large amount of one of our products. She already had a lot of bags, there were two other people in the store, so I offered to help her carry out her bags. She protested, but it was obvious that there was no way she was going to be able to carry everything she had already bought and this box of product. So I insisted, she relented, I got my coat and off we went...

Now for those of you that don't know, the Mall of America is a mile around. (If you walk from one entrance all the way back around to that same entrance you will have walked a mile, get it?) This lady was parked on the opposite side of the mall... On the farthest edge of the parking ramp.

She apologized about 50,000 times for having me come out there with her.

I said it was nothing, part of the job, I'm used to walking the mall etc....

We finally get her bags loaded, the woman has been nothing but kind, and out of no where she hands me a ten dollar bill.

Now it's MY turn to protest. I told her, please, no really, it's ok, it's my job, etc. She won't take no for an answer. I thank her, wish her a merry Christmas and start my way back.

Did I mention it was like 7 degrees outside that day?

So I'm getting ready to walk back into the mall and I hear my favorite bell ringer singing and wishing merry Christmases all around. A light goes off.

Here I'd been feeling bad about not being able to give much this year, feeling selfish myself. Despite how I'd spent many times waiting for my ride home talking to one of the bell ringers about how I couldn't understand how so many people can come out with so many bags on their arms yet one out of maybe every 30 to 50 people actually put ANYTHING in the bucket.

I walked up to this joyous bell ringer, said, "You know I just got a tip for walking this lady to her car, carrying a box for her, and honestly... Don't feel like I deserve it. I was just doing my job. I don't deserve it, but you do, out here every day singing and wishing people a merry Christmas." And with that I slipped the bill into the bucket.

I swear to god I think the man was about to cry. He gave me this big hug, called me the sweetest person and wished me a great day.

Ten dollars and I almost had a man in tears.

Let's really think about this for a moment. How much IS ten dollars to most of us? How much is it to the people that have a steady job, can live comfortably from that job? Maybe we don't have all the little luxuries, but ten dollars, really, it's not that much is it?

But with such a small act, I made someone's day. Honestly, now I'M starting to cry lol

I can't help but be in awe of the selfishness that people are accustom to. Why are we so tolerant of that kind of behavoir?

And that's not all... I have SEVERAL more stories to tell you about...

Two weeks ago my mom got a call, a man had a pilot out in his fireplace, mom happily offered to walk him through relighting it in order to save him the charge for a service call.

The man then quietly said, "You see ma'am, the problem is, I can't see..."

Mom said, "Oh... I understand. Well, it's (price) for a service call. I can have someone out there right away."

The man sighed and said, "I can't really afford that. I couldn't afford (price and company)'s price either." (They charge a good $50 less than we do.)

Mom thought for a minute and said, "Okay, let me see what I can do. I'll find something."

She kept his info on the desk until my dad got in. Dad saw the paper and asked what it was about. She told him he needed his pilot lit but couldn't afford the service call fee.

Dad, being my dad lol, made a smartass remark to which my mom replied, "Honey... he's blind."

My dad looked up at her and without a moments hesitation said, "Call him, I'll go do it right now. Tell him not to worry about the fee."

THESE are the people I was raised by. THESE are the people I am proud to call my parents.

But wait, I'm still not done.

We have a man working for us, named Jim. He went out to do a service call for a lady in a wheel chair. This honestly, is the most heartbreaking story I have. I cried when mom told me what happened.

Jim went to go fix her glass on her fireplace. It had fallen out and her being in a wheel chair, she couldn't put it back in. Instead she had duct taped plastic over the front to keep the cold from coming in. It upset Jim to see that no one had come over to help her. Jim's just that kind of man.

So he fixed the glass, went into the kitchen to wash up and saw two wheel chairs in the kitchen, torn apart. He looked at the lady and asked, "Um... Is there anything I can do to help with those?"

She shook her head, "No, no... The wheel on that one is over $1,000, and the other is just useless now..."

One of the chairs was blocking the door to the garage.

"Well, how about I move that one so you can at least get into the garage?"

"Oh... Oh would you mind? I don't want to put you out..."

"No trouble, really."

"Well... since you're here... Would you mind taking a look at the water heater as well? I haven't had any hot water since the fireplace went out."

Now, what had happened was this. Instead of turning off the gas at the fireplace, she had turned it off to the entire house. Over a week ago. She had shut off her water heater without knowing.

Jim lit the heater, and got her fireplace back in working order. He was very upset that this woman had no one checking on her, no one caring about whether or not she could get through a door or had hot water. No one to do something as simple as put glass back in a fireplace.

He asked my mom how long she thought it'd been since that lady felt like she COULD ask for help. What had to have happened to have beaten her down to the point that asking for a simple favor was out of the question?

This is the man that has worked for my parents for years and years. This is a man we consider a friend, a man that feels more like an uncle to me.

And one more stories, I swear this one is quick.

I had gotten off work earlier this week and mom was sick. She picked me up from work and I told her to stop by Walgreens, I could run in real quick and get her something. I picked up some Nyquil, Zicam, something to drink. As I made my way back over to the check out, three steps ahead of me a lady knocked over a container of kids novelty pencils.

She bent over to start picking them up the clerk told her not to bother, he'd get them in a minute. She said, "No, no, I knocked them over, I'll pick them up."

There were probably 50 pencils scattered on the floor.

I set my stuff on the floor and bent down to help her pick them up.

She looked up completely startled and said, "Oh! Well thank you!"

I gave her a big smile and said, "No problem."

She asked me if I worked there, I shook my head and said no, laughing a little.

Then she stopped for a moment and stared at me, "You mean, you're just a customer and you're helping me?"

"Well... Yeah. I was right here, no reason not to."

"Well!" She smiled really big. "You know, I think I'm going to do something nice for someone today too! Pass it on and all that!"

I laughed a little, "Pay it forward, yeah. Well, it is the holidays."

I picked up the last few pencils and put them back.

What stunned me about this, was her reaction. Her being stunned that another person would try to help just to help. And the reaction of "I think I'm going to do something nice for someone" was a little weird to me.

Why not do something nice just because you can? Just because you're there?

Why need a reason, a pay it forward?

Why not just do something nice, just to be nice?

So to moral of these stories is this...

Do good where you can, love everyone before they give you a chance to hate them, and always, always go that little extra for anyone you can.

Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but next to nothing is still more than nothing.

Did you witness a kindness lately? Maybe preformed one yourself? Let me know, I'd love to know the season of giving isn't selfish after all.

Merry Christmas!

Missing Buddy

2008-11-13T13:39:00.000-08:00

Have you seen him?

I promised to help, so I am as best I can. I've had my baby since the day he was born, I can't imagine losing him. He's my child.

Please, please, pass this on. I don't usually ask for these things, you know that, but this is important to me. Please.

My Brain, My Poor Aching Brain

2008-11-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

So, I guess you all know about Franken... And the recount. ::sigh::

I mean, I really really dislike Franken. Mostly because he's a sexist pig. I don't think anyone that rude and vulgar should be elected to office. But honestly... How stupid can a state get? Did we already forget the absolute DISASTER of Ventura. (And his infamous quote of, "You've never hunted until you've hunted man." Or, "Religion is for those with a weak mind"?)

I guess it's just that I remember when I was a little kid, and I dreamed that one day I could be the first female president. I mean, these people were like superheroes. They changed the world, they made things better, or worse with the flick of a pen on paper.

Is it wrong of me to want someone in office who is truly passionate about this country, about fairness, common sense, protecting our fellow man, being kind and stern and respectable?

I'm tired of politicians that act like spoiled children.

I'm tired of mud slinging and finger pointing. Admittedly it's always been part of politics but wasn't there a time, not that long ago that someone had to get elected by their OWN merit?

When groups like ACORN would have been arrested en masse? Whatever happened to treason? When did treason start being something protected under free speech? It makes me sick to see people destroying the rules, shattering them across our country like a glass on a tile kitchen floor.

For those of you that don't know, ACORN is a VERY large organization here in Minnesota. And for those of you that also don't know, no instance of voter fraud was reported here... Am I the ONLY one that finds that, oh, I don't know, a little odd? And don't bother trying to find anything on it... It was only reported once on the news and I was lucky enough to see it. It's not on any website. I tried finding it for over an hour. You seriously can't find that statement anywhere, or a correction if it was indeed a mistake. Again, little odd?

Perhaps the Democratic party finds this justifiable because the Republican party "stole" two elections. Apparently winning is cheating. And anyone that says that a party isn't aware when something like this is going on, is completely daft.

And FYI I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I don't class myself as Independent or a Libertarian (although I'm probably closer to Libertarian than either major party). I try very hard not to label myself or be forced into a situation where I have to. But it happens quite often.

I'm just having a particularly hard time this election. And no, it's not because Obama was elected, I'm not happy about that, but there's always next time. He was elected, I can't get mad that my country had its' say. That's the way things are supposed to be. I wasn't thrilled about McCain and he definitely shot himself in the foot many times. It's his fault he lost the election, it's the party's fault they nominated a man that was perhaps too well known, and not for the best of reasons. I mean, I personally have nothing wrong with Palin but she was NOT a good choice for this election. Not at all. I think being a Republican woman is particularly difficult, especially with the media focus.

I thought for a time that I would vote for Obama, but I got to know the man and his policies and I didn't like what I learned. Apparently the country disagreed with me lol We'll see what happens. I hope he's a good president but I have many many reservations.

Anyway, this isn't about the presidential election.

My beef is with who's going to be my senator.

I just feel at a complete lost. Here, one of my dearest friends, a passionate feminist, voted for Al Franken. I asked her if she'd lost her mind. I brought up all the things he's said about women, gays, marriage and religion. And all she said was, "Well, no I don't like that..." So WHY did you vote for him? "Because..."

She couldn't answer, and the simple fact is, she voted for him because he's a Democrat, and she's a member of the DFL.

There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, I detest more than voting party lines just "because." Half the people I know swear they're true blue Dems, but when we talk about policies and what they want for this country, they're voting AGAINST everything they want. They think Conservative yet vote Liberal, because they've never taken the time to educate themselves on which members of the parties vote for and against what.

It makes me insane to hear people, both left and right, talk about who they voted for yet have no explanation as to why they did so. There needs to be a pretest for voting. If you don't know where the candidates stand you have to sit through an unbiased video letting you know where the candidates say they stand on issues, and where they have voted.

I also happen to think there should be a limit on funding for elections. Want to see the commercials go down by a ridiculous amount next election? Give the candidates a budget they have to adhere to, whether it's public OR private funding. I know a public funding limit is already in place, but there ought to be one on private too. It shouldn't be a case of who's candidate is richer wins. Of course there would have to be a system in place to figure out the budget for each election, it couldn't just be a standard number, inflation wouldn't allow that to work.

Sigh. I would love a nice simple black and white set of rules. No putting gum in hair, no name calling, and I swear to god if you poke him one more time I'm pulling the car over and getting the fly swatter. That sort of thing.

And I think you should have to be registered voted one month before a presidential election. Not like here where we have same day registration. That's just BS.

Sorry everyone, I'm just majorly pissed at many of my fellow Minnesotans/Americans for their lack of knowledge they so willfully employed during this year.

With that said... I'm very very proud at the turn out. For the first time in a long time, it feels like people cared. Sadly not so much about WHO they voted for, but at least for the act of voting itself. For that I am immensely proud.

I guess living in a state with one of the nastiest Senatorial elections in history made me a little bitter this year.

And for those out there that insist on arguing with me over the definitions... (None of which read this blog but by god I need to put it out here.)

Main Entry: con·ser·va·tism
Pronunciation: \kən-ˈsər-və-ˌti-zəm\
Function: noun
Date: 1832

1 capitalized a: the principles and policies of a Conservative party b: the Conservative party

2 a: disposition in politics to preserve what is established b: a political philosophy based on tradition and social stability, stressing established institutions, and preferring gradual development to abrupt change ; specifically : such a philosophy calling for lower taxes, limited government regulation of business and investing, a strong national defense, and individual financial responsibility for personal needs (as retirement income or health-care coverage)

3: the tendency to prefer an existing or traditional situation to change

And...

Main Entry: Democratic–Republican
Function: adjective
Date: 1818

: of or relating to a major American political party of the early 19th century favoring a strict interpretation of the Constitution to restrict the powers of the federal government and emphasizing states' rights

And...

Main Entry: lib·er·tar·i·an
Pronunciation: \ˌli-bər-ˈter-ē-ən, -ˈte-rē-\
Function: noun
Date: 1789

1: an advocate of the doctrine of free will

2 a: a person who upholds the principles of individual liberty especially of thought and action b capitalized : a member of a political party advocating libertarian principles

And...

Main Entry: 2independent
Function: noun
Date: 1644

1 capitalized : a sectarian of an English religious movement for congregational autonomy originating in the late 16th century, giving rise to Congregationalists, Baptists, and Friends, and forming one of the major political groupings of the period of Cromwell

2: one that is independent ; especially often capitalized : one that is not bound by or definitively committed to a political party

Rant is over. Continue with your lives. Thanks to those of you that voting knowing your candidates voting history and stance on current issues not yet up to vote.

The "S" Word

2008-10-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Snow. It snowed. Dear god get me out of here.

And for your pleasure...

Soooo... How's it Goinnnn'?

2008-10-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

Let's see.

In the last three and a half months I, got a job, lost all communication with everyone and thing I care about, nearly wrecked my relationship with Will, and my parents, got paid barely above minimum wage, worked 56 hrs a week for a psycho bitch, then after "peek season" got my hrs cut back to barely 28 a week, moved my blog from AOL to blogger (the old blog), figured out I couldn't pay my bills on that wage/hr ratio, got insulted by the boss, in the middle of the store, with customers there, even though me and the girl also insulted are/were the hardest two workers there, quit my job the next day after she posted a letter to the cashier desk where customers could see it telling us all what bad employees we are, had my supervisor quit WITH me the following night, had the assistant manager in training and one of my follow co-workers also put in two week notices and know for a fact that the assistant manager will be quitting shortly, moved my boyfriend into his new apartment, had a guy at Denny's think me and two of my friends were high when in reality we're just three very giggly stupid females.

So. Besides that.

My cousin is leaving for AZ in Jan, with her boyfriend to live near her mom, my other cousin is moving to Costa Rica, and my third cousin is about to get dumped by his girlfriend and the dimwit can't even see it coming.

I'm going tomorrow morning to see my grandma for the first time in over four months.

I haven't read a book in over three months.

Tonight was the first night in ages I watched a movie just cause I felt like it.

Oh and I think I've got a job working for a Godiva boutique. And I must say boutique because after doing my research on the company, plus my interview, I really have a lot of respect for the product they produce. I should hear back soon though to know for sure. If he doesn't contact me after the end of this week (I had my interview Thur) I'm contacting him.

So... How is everyone ELSE doing? lol

I'm Alive!!!! I SWEAR!!!

2008-08-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I swear I'm still here... I think... I might have lost my mind by now but I think I'm here. I think. That or the voices are talking to me again... Holy crap I need to get to bed... lol

Ever work a ten hour shift with a bunch of screaming kids and a guy that doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself? Yeah I'm having him written up and hopefully getting him fired... The guy won't leave me alone. He's mid forties and a complete pig. We just hired him, and we're just gonna fire him. He scares me. None of the girls will be alone with him, including me.

Sigh.

Gotta love it.

I need chocolate.

So There's This Chick at Work...

2008-08-12T23:31:00.001-07:00

Hey all. Wow. I disappeareded huh? (Intentional extra E and D.) Trust me, I know it's long but this one is important. You'll want to read it.

So since I've been gone here's what's happened. Will still hasn't found a job or apt. No one wants someone at his level, they all want someone with more experience, like executives. No newbies.

I DID get a job. Which I hate. Passionately. It's the worst job I probably could have gotten. I work for a gift shop at one of those entertainment places. Like Six Flags, Disney, Sea World, just not quiet so big. So all day long I get screaming kids, which is actually the good part.

The bad part is... (deep breath)

My manager is a bitch, my female co-workers are gossipy hens, my male co-workers don't even belong there, either because they're overqualified or under qualified, I get paid just above minimum wage, my hours are insane (ie I worked one night until just before midnight and then opened the next morning at nine), I'm officially the store bitch, I do all the work and get very little credit, I work my ass off and when I don't I get yelled at, I'm physically and mentally exhausted, and did I mention I didn't even get trained, I basically got left in the store to fend for myself, it took two days for my manager to even set me up so I could run the cash register, and three weeks for her to set up my pay (that was yesterday, I'm getting paid Friday) and that I hate 90% of my co-workers?

So yeah. I'm looking for another job.

But to the point of why I needed to write. About work. Thank god I've never mentioned I have a blog there's probably some dumb ass rule I'm breaking even mentioning I work at a gift shop on here. Well, fuck 'em, my blog, I bitch here.

So there's this chick at work... Who I despise with a passion. She's the kind of person you KNOW what a cheerleader as soon as you see her. She gives you this look and it's like she's cutting you to the bone; you are instantly degraded and belittled by her stare. Her smile is insanely fake. (As is her orange... er... tan.) She's everything I despise in women. She's as fake as it gets and loves to pretend she wants to be your friend. I am extremely wary of her. I watch my mouth very closely, I know she's the type to stab me in the back.

Anyway... I was folding shirts with her and one of the girls who is my "supervisor." She brought up my boyfriend and asked how we met. I was honest, I said online. They both groaned and flinched. Then asked how online. Again I was honest, message board. I followed up with a we've been together for years, and he moved here in May just to be closer.

They both raised their eyebrows but I could tell the she-devil was plotting how to use this information to her advantage.

Here's the thing.

I cared what they thought.

What... the... hell...

Why should I care what the bimbo thinks of me, and although I get along well with my supervisor, we're certainly never going to be best buds. We're nice to each other because we have to be and we have almost the same level of maturity.

I don't like getting personal with people I work with. Period. I don't need to know all your dirty laundry and you sure as hell don't need to know mine.

But I've discovered something rather disturbing. I HATE working with women. I do. I really really do. Maybe it's just the women here, but I can't stand the cattiness, the snide comments, the fake smiles and the painted over viper like stabs.

All the guys I work with I generally like. The assistant manager isn't qualified, but he's a generally nice guy, not so easy to work with but that's because he's not reliable.

My other supervisor, who I generally consider so, I really do love working with. He's the only reason I didn't quit after the first day. Which I really was prepared to do. But he's five years older and generally acts big brotherly with me. He's patient showing me how things are done, and understanding when I do something wrong. He's friendly with the men, gentle and teasing with the kids, and sweet and silly with the women. He has great merchandising skills, and his managerial skills are better than anyone I've met in a long time. He's excellent in sales. He's someone I genuinely admire. Not to mention his wife is beautiful and their baby is one of the sweetest happiest little boys I've ever met.

Then there's the guy that I'm pretty sure just quit today because of one of our catty ladies at work. She's just a lovely loud mouthed bitch, I can't understand why he'd quit when she's done everything possible to make his life hell. He's still very much a kid, a little irresponsible, not to motivated to do everything he could at work. But he's polite, does what's asked of him generally with no complaint, and he's excellent with the little kids. He's otherwise friendly, although immature.

But here's the thing... Every single guy I can talk to and make work... well... work. I don't get tense with them or stressed. I don't feel my stomach sink when I think about having to work that day with them. It's actually somewhat of a pleasure to work with the guys.

I've just been sitting here mulling work over and I don't understand a lot yet. I don't understand the need for drama in a place that doesn't need to have it. I don't understand the childishness or the immaturity. I just don't understand why I care what ANY of these people think of me. I really can't anymore. It makes no sense to care. I could only use my male supervisor as a reference anyway, the manager doesn't exactly like me much.

i don't like that the women in work try and make things personal. They ask about my life, and I really don't want to talk about it with them. The only woman I like working with, well we both talk rather personally. I don't like laying myself out to be judged by people whose opinions matter so little. I don't like making work personal. Keep your dirty laundry to you, and I'll take care of my own. Let's leave the drama at the door huh ladies?

Oh and Icelanders are the best tourists EVER! Just had to throw that out there too lol

If I've typoed a lot I'm sorry. It's 2AM and I've been up since 8:45AM. I'll have to beg forgiveness on this one for any weirdness. I know it's not my finest.

Welcome Home

2008-07-01T21:40:00.001-07:00

You all know about my cat passing away. We've missed him terribly. Not having a lap warmer, a meowing greeting home, has been really difficult.

Mom was looking for a new cat the past few months.

I would like you to all say hello to the newest member of our family.

Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie is 10 wks old, black and white tuxedo. And there has been no feistier kitten born. He attacks everything. Including the pillows on the couch. He braves the dog with hisses and swats. He climbs pant legs. (Until we cut his nails because the backs of all our legs were bleeding lol) He has medium length silky soft hair. He purrs LOUDLY. He's grown a LOT in the last week and a half. Charlie will surely be a large kitty.

Now to other news. Seems a lot of my bloggers are leaving. Quite honestly, I know I'll miss those that have left, either with or without giving reason. I don't read new blogs very often, I have my few favorites and I stick to them. But the tides are changing, and I suppose I'm going to have to start looking for new material to read. I'll miss them, and their comments, but life goes on.

Will and I are adjusting to living together. We bought a love seat and put his big tv downstairs so we have something decent to watch on. The last few days we went into the cities, exploring the bus and train system. It's nice to wake up to him every day, but sleep is still something I'm adjusting to. He had weird sleeping habits and there are nights it's pretty tough on me lol

I'm missing my friends. Seems like everyone is so busy, including me.

It's that time isn't it? I can almost smell it in the air. Life is changing, the world is changing. Everyone around me is going through something, dealing with an issue, etc. No one has time to talk, no one has anything to talk about, yet their lives are full to the brim every day.

It makes me sad. I feel like I've lost so many connections in the last six months.

You know what it's like when you ask someone how they're doing, and you mean it sincerely, but they give you the "you don't really mean it" answer of "oh I'm fine" or "things are good" etc? That feeling you get in your stomach? It's almost like getting kicked. You got shut out in a three word sentence. Feels like that's happening a lot to me lately. I ask a sincere question and instead I get a kick in the gut.

I'm happy. I really am. But I feel like something deep is missing. Some connection with the outer world has failed me.

The move was tough on me. I packed the whole apartment in two weeks. The movers were assholes. It took forever for things to get here. Meeting his parents made me sick with nerves. By the end of it I just wanted to sit and cry. I was exhausted.

Some part of me still feels exhausted. And I don't know why.

This is longer than anyone will read I know. But yet I write. Some vain self satisfaction comes from writing this, and even if no one else gives a shit, I'm writing it. I will write out my heart, and who cares if the world takes a match to it?

I think I'm losing hope in humanity.

I'm Backish

2008-06-06T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back in MN, move was... interesting. I'll be catching up with everything soon. There's still so much to do and I've been home a week already.

Just letting you all know we're home!

Holy Crap

2008-05-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

Heyyyy did you know this thing was still here??? I didn't. lol

So... Guess I should update ya'll.

On the 6th my grandma had back surgery. Very intensive, very scary. She's fine, and going home in the morning. Tomorrow night I'll be there to help her out for a little while. Until Sun or Tue depending on how she's feeling.

I finally finished putting together an outfit for Will's graduation. My nerves about making a good impression on his mother are very very high. It's one thing to meet her when hanging around a hotel room or going out for pizza. Quite another to have to have to show her how I handle myself in a semi formal occasion. I'm SO not good at those lol But I think I'll do okay... I hope lol

STILL haven't found the charger for the camera... I'm probably going to end up using Will's the whole time lol

The leaves are sprouting out everywhere here now. It'll be in the 60's for the duration of the current forecast, 40's for the lows. We've done some work in the yard, trimmed back some seriously overgrown trees, pulled weeds, etc. Got the pool opened up but still haven't shocked it yet. Dad's waiting until he talks to the pool guy we used to rent next to.

I'm looking like a shot out of the late 60's today lol My dad, for the first time ever, made a really awesomely positive comment about my shirt lol Mumu style, vivid colors, bright orange, dark brown, white, pale avocado green, and really bright cerulean blue. I'm in love with this shirt lol It's just such a fun shirt. It's always nice when you get something you really love.

We have ants in the showroom. And they're loving biting me. I have no idea why. I'll just feel a sudden sharp stinging bite and I'll yelp. I killed about oh 500 today lol I found a cluster of them near the wall. They're coming up through the gap in the wall that we've tried to get our landlord to fix since we moved in, and he won't. He's a cheap old fart. I swear to god I hide when he comes in if I can. He's a miserable human being. Whenever he talks it's like a squeaking wheel, everything is a complaint.

Anyway, we're gonna have to buy poison and bait around the building.

I got a new credit card, 5.9% APR, no annual fee. REALLY happy about this. It was a great offer and I spent days scouring the fine print looking for the catch, and there wasn't one. I never pay attention to the mail in offers but this one will actually help me out big time. I have a lot on my current card and I need to transfer some of the balance over to something with a lower APR. (My current one is 22%, I know, ow.) Soon as I get the card in the mail I'm going to call Chase (who I have now) and see if they'll lower it. If they won't I'll just transfer whatever I can and inform them I'll be closing the account by the next month. I don't want to deal with that anymore. And of course I asked Will about it, read everything off to him, since he's my financial wizard lol If he thinks something is a good idea I know to trust him. (Stop arguing William. You're good at money, deal with it :P )

Alright I'm going to try and finish up some things on here. I'll try and get in one more entry before I leave for NY but I can't make any promises. I leave the 18th and I'll be back on the 31st in the AM.

Love ya'll, let me know how you're doing!

Bugging Out

2008-04-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

So here's what I've been battling lately and why I haven't been on. My room happens to be in the basement. And it happens to have a large amount of bugs. House centipedes, silverfish, sowbugs, five or six kinds of spiders, a few millipedes and I've seen one dying tick.

But here's how this relates to me and my girls. We've been sleeping on the couch because of the poisons I'm having to spray. No other way around it, it's nasty and awful and well it kills the evil bugs lol I can stand a few bugs but trust me when I say this is more than a few.

So I slept on the couch last night (if you can call laying there staring at the ceiling for eight hrs sleep) and this morning after dosing I decided to go check on the kill rate. See what all had died.

And surprise surprise... Something big and black runs under a pipe that's against the wall. First thought, obviously, is omg that's the biggest bug I've ever seen!

EH..... Not quite.

It's a mouse. So I run upstairs and check the cage, all my girls are sound asleep where they should be. I run back down and it's sitting out in the light. A house mouse. Little pink nose and big ol' ears. I've lived with them before I know what they look like.

The only thing I can think is oh hell no. My dad was an exterminator for many many years so I know what this means. Unless I kill it it's going to keep coming back, especially since I can't find out how it got in.

So right now I'm mildly freaking out. I have to kill the mouse because if I don't it's most likely going to breed somewhere down there and I'm going to end up with my PETS sick from a diseased flea it carried in. But in order to kill it I have to set out something that if one of my babies got out it'd hurt it.

They're cage is great, there's no way for them to get out unless I'm just plain careless. But the fear is very much there. I don't want anything bad to happen to my babies, but that also means getting rid of the mouse that's most likely carrying disease.

I'm going to keep the girls upstairs and keep careful watch on their cage for now, but this is a nightmare to me. Not only do I have to sleep on the couch and keep THEM on the coffee table, I'm now having to do something I absolutely despise. I wish really really wish a live trap would fix this. But I've dealt with mice in the basement before and it won't.

This just genuinely sucks.

The Good Thing About...

2008-04-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

The good thing about being in your later teen years and early twenties is this: You don't actually need pot. You're a pot head without it.

Let me explain.

I was listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice and the lyrics hit me as so deep... You know, the lyrics that say "it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball."

Yeah. Deep.

Who needs pot when you have spackle, holes in a wall, and have to stare at goldenrod yellow... while listening to "deep" music?

Go ahead, say it. Sweety, it's time to get out of the basement for a while. Put the spackle down and back away from the wall.

People my age are friggin' morons. You know what's funny? It's the first time in my life I've included me in the morons. I'm getting wiser every day.

Now excuse me, spackle is calling.

(Did I mention I have incense burning? No? Well, now I did.)

The Life

2008-04-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

Chances are, you'll never know what the term slow means. Or how it's even pronounced.

Chances are you don't know the origin of the term mark, and you've never heard an old timer talked about the days before the rides were hauled by big rigs, but of time when everything went by train.

Chances are you'll never taste sweat and dirt at 3am in the middle of a hot Texas night.

Chances are you've never spent 15 minutes arguing with someone over trade ups. Chances are you don't know what a trade up is.

Chances are when you where four you were never up past 8pm, nevermind midnight being a normal bedtime.

Chances are you didn't sleep better in a car than in your own bed.

This is what my childhood taught me.

All men aren't good, nor honest.

Women will stab other women in the back quicker and dirtier than a man ever could.

A dollar is a lot of money.

Going to sleep with your whole body aching is the best sleep there is.

A shower is a luxury, not a right. Neither is a meal.

If a man is too friendly, be wary of him. He's trying to do something you won't like.

Trust should not come easily. Neither should friendship.

A person you can trust your secrets to with complete certainty are rare and far between. You'll only meet a few of these people in your life, and you're lucky if you know it when you know them.

A hot meal is a thing to be treasured.

Begging is part of mankind and an instinct.

Once you've begged, you've lost a part of yourself forever.

The innocence that prevails until the age of four should last at least ten years.

Don't hate too thoroughly.

Love each child as if it's your own, and the only one you'll ever have. You have no idea what a gift your love is.

Being stern isn't something that evolves from a lack of love. It evolves from love. And more often than not is the biggest gift you can give a child.

They won't remember the toys you didn't get them, they will remember the promises you broke.

Don't ever make a promise you can't keep.

Once trust is betrayed you never really get it back.

This is how I lived.

I learned to sleep soundly in a car before I learned to walk. I learned to count by counting quarters for one of the games my parents had. My first job was making change, I was two years old.

I was convinced when I was little I would marry my best friend.

I knew what sex was when I was four. I still can't process that sometimes, but I never felt for a moment that anything was "wrong" with me. I still don't think in that department there's anything wrong with me.

One of my best friends when I was little was a man named Jaime. He worked for my parents and was about my age then. He loved me so much. I loved him even more. He taught me to wink, and whistle. I'll never forget how tickled he'd get when I tried, and how his eyes sparkled when he laughed. I sobbed and begged for him to stay when he left to go live with his girlfriend. I don't remember if he cried too, but I will always remember how tightly he hugged me. I was three. I still miss him. I hope he has kids now, he would be a wonderful father. I still cry when I think about him too much. Like now. And I still have the little stone heart necklace he gave me. I still wear it.

I spent most of my childhood only around adults. People were stunned at how mature I was when they met me. They couldn't understand how I could be so well spoken, polite, and quiet. It's simply because I was never around other kids. I never learned to act like them. I learned to act like an adult. My mother never baby talked me, she always talked to me, from the moment I was born like I was perfectly capable of understanding her.

Being covered in dirt and sweat and having my muscles ache is a natural thing to me. It's my best state. It's my best feeling. I've loved feeling like I've worked, and worked hard, ever since I was born.

I knew what 90% of all drugs were by the time I was six. Yet I've never tried or had the desire to try anything.

I've never had a beer or even a wine cooler. I refuse to drink anything that a small child can't legally buy.

Seeing so much addiction growing up, I'm terrified to become addicted to anything. Knowing my father has had numerous addictions, and little self control, scares me more.

I only met my biological grandfather once. I was nine. I never spoke to him again. Last year I found out he had died in 2001, in June. I'm betting cancer. He'd already had one lung removed and had cancer in his throat and lip from smoking.

The smell of cigarette smoke and gas makes me happy. It reminds me of when I was little, being outside watching the guys work. Cigarette in their mouth, directing the trucks, hauling off pieces to put game tents together, getting prize displays set up, putting the rides up.

The smell of a man sweating isn't disgusting to me. I grew up being hugged and teased by sweaty ride jocks that loved teasing Norm's little blonde baby girl. They'd tweak my braids, or make faces at me. I never felt unsafe around them. Many many times over my life, those men, protected me from marks who hurt and harassed me. I remember one time, when I was twelve, a drunk mark started to harass me. I was running a game, machine guns. The guy was scaring me, badly. I was trying to laugh and just get the guy to go away, and then he grabbed my arm. Before I could even react, a man that worked for my parents, Doug, had jumped in between us and shoved the guy off of me. Those men protected me.

The kids, they were the best part. Always smiling, always giggling. I loved helping them throw darts in a poster game, and roll balls in the skee ball. Helping them learn to hold rings for the ring toss, or letting them swap ducks a few times to get a better prize. All the lost kids I held in my lap until mom or dad found them. All the cut knees I mended and bruises I kissed. All the kisses I got just for being nice. The one thing I can say that that life taught me that is undeniably good, is that children are the purest thing in this world. They will love just to love, and hug just to hug. They'll smother you in kisses even if you're a perfect stranger, and never judge you if your clothes are dirty, or you haven't gotten to have an honest to god shower in a couple of days. They are beautiful.

I guess to people that never lived the life, never have known what it's like to live in a 40 foot trailer and sometimes, for weeks on end, have no power, no water, they can't possibly imagine. No one can know how hard and miserable that life can be, or how much you can love it, and miss it.

The thing about being with Will is that he shares as much of my experiences as I can stand. And while I do wish sometimes that he understood what I was talking about, the entire life, I'm glad he can't. I'm glad he never lived it. Because as long as I'm with someone that didn't live it, that can't miss it, I can't go back to it. The saying is, "They always come back." And as long as I'm with him, with someone that can't crave it or miss it or want it back, I can't go back. I won't go back.

I can't say that I came out of it unscathed. That I'm some glass vase without a single crack. I've got cracks, and chips, and in a few places I'm shattered beyond recognition. But I still miss it sometimes. I still miss the life. I miss the business. I haven't put it behind me yet. I still cry sometimes because I miss how things were.

Someday though, I'll put it behind me. I'll put all of it in a box, and lock it up tight. And then one day I'll be able to tell my grandkids, maybe even my children if I'm lucky, "But that was a long time ago. That's my old life, it's not my life anymore."

But for now, it is still. For now I still have days where I wake up feeling like I'm rocking back and forth because of the years I spent sleeping in a trailer. For now I still cry when I think about having a hoarse voice because I spent hour after hour pitching to marks. For now I still miss it.

Centipede FROM HELL!!!

2008-04-15T19:31:00.001-07:00

Oh my god.

House centipedes. I don't care that they don't bite. I don't care that they kill my arch nemesis the spider.

I WANT THEM GONE!

Oh god I'm SLEEPING in the BASEMENT! Did you know they LIKE basements? Oh yes. They love basements. Full of juicy bugs for them to eat.

I'd rather have to kill ten spiders in a row than kill one more of these nasty horrid satanic looking creatures.

I don't CARE that they don't "do anything bad" I dare ANYONE to have just caught the one I did and NOT scream like a little girl!

If you have no idea what a house centipede is, look it up, I'm NOT posting a picture of one. I can't even see a picture of one. They scare the shit out of me.

I've never ever seen one of these until moving here. They were in the house in Prior Lake, we didn't have a ton of them though and it wasn't a big deal. We DID have a TON of spiders.

Our last house, not a one. Zip. Nada.

THIS house??!???!?!?!?!?

Everywhere... they're everywhere...

I just killed three today. THREE! I don't kill that many spiders in a MONTH!

Sticky paper will go everywhere, my can of Raid is my best friend, I want to bug bomb my whole room. Kill everything. The spiders, the weird non-rolypolys that are everywhere (perfectly harmless and unscary), and those damned centipedes from hell.

I HATE bugs, lets make that clear. If a spider drops down on me, I freak, but if I can see where it is, I have no issues squishing it. Beetles don't bother me.

Hell COCKROACHES don't bother me!

But these... these million legged cheetahs of the floor are killing me.

Dad had the centipede version of Mothra in a jar and came around the corner with it. I honestly had no idea I could run like that. Or scream that long.

This is not like me. I don't become a cowering squealing shrieking terrified little girl over a BUG!

But dude... DID YOU SEE THAT THING?!?!?!

My mother, who has never been afraid of any bug I have ever seen... The woman I've seen "rescue" spiders from the house and talk to centipedes in the garden?

SHE is terrified of these things too!

My dad, who was in pest control FYI, has never seen anything like these. He's not scared of them but he does admit they're creepy.

Well, yeah, he went into a flea infested home once and was attacked. Literally. He and his partner had to strip on the lawn of the house screaming.

I'm not stripping on the lawn screaming yet, but I was standing on a chair screaming over Centipedra. I have yet to have done that over a spider, mouse, or mystery bug.

But house centipedes? Oh yes... I will stand on my chair and scream.

Pass the Raid and gimme the number for a good exterminator.

Take a Moment

2008-04-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Take a moment to go read this post. Go ahead I'll wait. Leave your comment.

Go call your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, your kids, your best friend, whoever you need to. Life it precious. Don't put saying I love you on hold.

Having lost two grandparents to cancer, and my great aunt who I loved very much, this post hits me so hard. I understand the battle, I understand the feeling of hope and dread, and that terrible moment when the doctor answers the seemingly innocent question of, "How bad is it?"

Your world falls out. The rug has been pulled. There's a moment when you can't hear what the doctor is saying anymore and your stomach feels like it's vanished into thin air. You're nauseous, you're afraid, you're in a silent state of panic.

Take the time to offer this woman support. You have absolutely no idea how much these little things, these little comments can mean. You don't know the source of support you can provide her. I'm asking you, from the bottom of my heart, give this woman enough time to read her posts and help bare her burden. For you it lasts the length of the post and the time it takes to write a comment. For her and her children, her whole family, it doesn't ever end.

Just take a moment for this.

And, if you can take a few more moments, the video of her in a tiara is adorable lol

Smile!

2008-04-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Okay so I USUALLY don't do this, but this was just too neat. Here's a link to Nancy's journal so you can get all caught up, but basically, there's a blogger, Dad, that would like everyone to smile.

Huh. You know what? I think I can manage that.

Wish I could have done a better one, but that's what you get for losing the charger to your camera and so you have to take one with a low grade phone camera lol

So, if ya'll wouldn't mind, make a post of you smiling and send it over to Dad. I left a link to this post in his comments, let him know where I came from.

Little Pleasures

2008-04-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Mom found old fashioned Coke bottles, they're doing it for a limited time, one of their limited edition bottle things.

It's been so long since I had a Coke in a painted glass bottle. It reminded me of when I was little, it was a lot easier to find glass bottles near the border. I think I was about three the first time I saw a vending machine with nothing but glass bottles. It was a HUGE treat to put my change in there, and hear the clinking and clanking as the change and bottle dropped out.

You forget how different it tastes too. When it's in a glass bottle the taste is so much more pure. You forget what aluminum cans and plastic bottles do to the flavor.

When I was little I had an obsession with Coke products. If you saw how much stuff with the Coke label I have packed away you'd think I was nuts.

I find myself thinking a lot about my childhood lately. Missing Texas, the southern twang that my voice remembers as soon as I get far enough south. I miss the honeys, sugars, babies, sweetys that you hear in every day life down there. The yes ma'ams and yes sirs. You know that men hold doors OPEN for women down there? Who'd a thunk. Children listen to their parents and say their prayers at night.

And Mexican food actually resembles Mexican food.

It's been ten years since my feet hit Texan soil. It's been even longer since I saw the Alamo, or the River Walk in San Antonio. I have to dig into my memory to remember the salty smell of the Gulf, and the simple pleasure of hearing Spanish radio blaring out of a rusty car. The taste of homemade tamales and tailgating was a weekend event. Forth of July's spent with a cooler full of pop, beer and watermelon, and my mom's brisket covered in her BBQ sauce. You could listen to country music without anyone looking at you funny. You could hug a stranger and they'd laugh and hug you back rather than turning stiff and looking horrified. You could have boy FRIENDS not just boyfriends. Boys and girls hang out with each other without any expectations. You don't have that hear. There's so much tension between the sexes.

Church was exciting. You could sing and dance and laugh. Jokes weren't sacrilegious. The pastor could kid and people knew he was kidding.

You could be in the sunshine more than three months a year.

I can't tell you how much I miss my roots. Lately I've been thinking about it and just crying. I haven't even been to Oklahoma in years.

I love NY and I want to go there, but every now and then a person needs to go back home. And this isn't my home. This isn't where I'm happy. I told Will we can't stay here that long. Just long enough to get on our feet and run like hell out of here.

My cousin and her boyfriend are moving to AZ to be with my aunt. They're trying to convince my grandma to go too, and I completely agree. She doesn't need to be up here anymore, she doesn't need these bitter cold winters and slipping on ice. She doesn't need to shovel the drive and the walkway and I'm too far away to help her. And I'm the only one that has any time to anymore.

My cousin Matthew is moving south too, either AZ or San Diego, he really loved San Diego.

I'm trying REALLY hard to convince my parents to leave here in five years, to move to AZ or NC near Will's parents, Will said it was beautiful down there. And there's Sonic and my parents really miss Sonic lol And it's not too far to drive to the beach or the mountains on the weekend. There's also trains between there and NY so they could come visit us more often, it wouldn't cost so much. And if Will and I manage the way I think we will, we'll have a two bedroom apt near the city, maybe even in it if we're lucky enough by then.

My mom's shoulder is bad, my dad's knee is always just about to give out. His back hurts too. They hate all this cold. They miss the ocean. And there's no reason they can't do outdoor kitchens and rooms down there. Besides that the NC market is doing much better than MN.

I've really thought about it, and in five years, this house will be worth so much more than they paid for it, if the predictions are even half right. They could sell it and get a great return. The business will be strong by then and they can sell it too. Make their investments so they can retire when they finally want to, if they ever do. Mom wouldn't have to be so financially dependent on my dad. She could have her own money.

I just don't want my parents here either... I know they aren't happy here, but they're stuck here. I'm trying to show them they can get out but they're fighting everything I say and show them. I'm just hoping it's too soon from buying the house for them to see it.

I just want my family home.

100 Things About Me in Spring of '08

2008-03-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

So yeah yearly (or bi yearly, idk when I did the last one) edition of 100 things is out. Enjoy. Or not. Does anyone ever actually read these things?

I hate toothpaste. It makes my mouth feel weird. I do however love mouthwash.
When I listen to music alone, I sing. Loud. Very.
I have no idea if I CAN sing.
I just adopted three little baby mice named Cornelia, Cat (Catrina), and Cinder (Cinderella) and their exercise wheel is making me crazy, but they're very loving and sweet.
I didn't tell my dad I was adopting them from a rescue center lol
I had no idea how to sex mice until after I got them.
I also had no idea that male mice don't have nipples. Go figure. Men do but male mice don't. What's up with that?
I love reggae but I don't own any true reggae CDs, I only have one Ziggy Marley CD that I bought a week ago.
I've never had a hero. Ever.
The idea of handling large amount of money terrifies me.
I always wanted to go on American Idol, but Paula Abdul scares the SHIT out of me.
I have no issue cutting ties with people who find my childhood undesirable. I grew up on a carnival. Take it or leave me alone.
The older I get the more bitchy I tend to be.
I'm afraid I'll turn into my grandma. At least, the parts that make me crazy.
Stubborn doesn't BEGIN to describe me.
I am one of the most passionate people you'll ever meet and chances are you'll never actually understand that.
Jealousy is a virtue I possess in large quantities. I was jealous of a girl Will worked with once, because he'd complain about her. Whether the image of her I had was accurate enough to justify my attitude over her I'll have no idea.
I don't think I have more than a few years left with my grandma. I can feel it in my bones.
Will's moving here end of May and I am scared to death.
I'm going to really miss a reason to go to NY lol
I love pistachios.
I go through waves of drinking tons of water, then waves of drinking nearly nothing.
I have had nightmares every night of my life for the last thirteen years.
I don't mind being naked in front of people, male or female. A body is a body. Boobs are boobs and an ass is an ass. Everybody has a body lol
I can be insanely self conscious about my boobs. Only two people really know why. Only one has seen em and he told me they're "great." I still don't believe him lol
Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I think someone is standing over me.
I'm a huge skeptic, but I believe in aliens, ghosts, and big foot lol I just believe most people are either nuts, misinformed, or lying.
My favorite author's are John Steinbeck, Alice Hoffman, Cornelia Funke, and Philip Pullman.
I can read a children's book and a current affairs commentary in the same week.
Growing up is completely overrated and I knew that when I was five.
I cried when I turned ten. I knew I wasn't going to be a little kid anymore.
I talk to my grandpa when no one else is around. I ask him to take care of my mom, watch out for her. He'll be dead seven years April 13th.
When I miss my family I read the play my grandpa Clyde wrote when he was in the Air Force in WWII. It makes me laugh and remember how wonderful he was. And that, long ago, my family was close and loving, and my childhood was beautiful.
I've cried more this year, than in the entire second half of last year combined.
Jack Johnson's music makes me smile every time. Banana Pancakes has always been my favorite song because my mom used to make banana pancakes just for me and her.
Will had never had banana pancakes until he stayed with us. I loved that I was able to give him an experience that was very important to me. He doesn't know that.
I feel an obligation to give up everything, if it makes someone else's life better.
I blame my VBS teacher for that. I was six and she told us joy is spelled J for Jesus first, O for others second, and Y for yourself last. I thought that if I did anything for myself first I was betraying God.
It wasn't until the last few years I realized that part of reveling in the glory of life is doing things for myself because I want them.
I like CZ more than diamonds.
I think stainless steel is ugly.
The combination of red and black or black and white turn me on, and I have no idea why.
I don't like many of my cousins. I can think of maybe three I like, and they're all from different parts of my family, and one isn't even blood related and is about 24 yrs older than me and I haven't seen him in about four years.
I crave asparagus.
I think spinach, raw, is the best thing ever. I can open a bag, sit on the couch, and eat it like chips.
I can't stand the taste of Dr Pepper anymore. I can only drink Coke or Pepsi. I know, natural enemies and I like them both.
I think women are the most beautiful creation God made. And men are the perfect compliment to that.
Most women confuse the hell out of me.
I'm closer to men than any women.
Whenever the mantel clock chimes that was my grandma's, I say "hi grandma" because after we had packed all her things, we were getting ready to leave, and just as the door was about to close, the clock chimed, and chimed, and chimed. So we took it with it, I didn't want to leave it there anyway. It's never chimed like that since. If there's anything I feel my grandma around, it's that clock.
When I was little mom let me watch Stephen King's It. I'm still afraid of spiders, most clown objects (not actual clowns, my grandma Judy was a clown), and drains make me nervous.
I had three grandmas. My dad's mom (Barbara), my mom's mom (Mary), and my mom's step mom (Judy). My grandma Judy and grandma Mary are best friends.
My grandparents never fought over me because they had other grandchildren that lived right there. I always felt I was an afterthought to them. My cousins meant more. I still think they do.
I still wouldn't have had anyone else for my grandparents.
I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.
And Jamaica.
And Asia.
And Europe.
And Alaska.
The Kooks are awesome.
Jimi Hendrix was a genius.
Bob Marley was amazing.
I should have been alive in the 60's and 70's.
Aerosmith was better in the early days. But they still rock.
My new bedroom is goldenrod yellow. Except in the daylight. Then it's greenish. I'm dying to paint.
So far, I'm like the only one to remember to check the mail in our new place.
I had a goldfish named Pig, a cat named Bugs, and now a mouse named Cat. I think there's something wrong with me.
Oh and Bloc Party kicks ass too.
I make great baklava.
I also make great lasagna.
I've only truly deeply loved a few people in my life. People would say I've loved much more than that, but I love so easily how I refer to love is much more particular than most. I only think I've loved a few very deeply.
I've thought about furthering my education and trying to become a cop. Then I remember how crazy some of the cops I knew were, simply because of everything they'd seen in their work and I know I'm not tough enough to take it.
When I was younger I wanted to be in the military. Part of me still does. I wonder sometimes if I can take the talents I do have and translate them into working for my country.
I love being an American. I'm very proud of it.
The furthest back I can trace my American roots is the early 1500's. I'm proud to know my blood has been in this soil since the beginning.
Since I have both Cherokee and Sioux bloodlines I know I go back further than that, but that's impossible to trace.
I don't want to vote for anyone that's running for president. They all make me nauseous.
I can't believe this is my first time to vote in a presidential election and they had to make it one hell of a hard one.
I'm considering going ahead and completing the mockery this election has been made into and voting for Snoopy. We've had plenty of dogs in the White House, might as well be a lovable and loyal one.
I love that I was born in the 80's, but I hate what my mother forced me to wear during the end of the 80's and the early 90's. I wonder what the hell people were thinking whenever I look at pictures. There WERE mirrors back then right?
To elaborate on that thought, I look at tv now and think... They DO have mirrors right?
I stopped highlighting my hair over a year ago now, and you can't tell, my hair is slightly darker.
I want to see Horton Hears a Who so bad it hurts.
I want a puppy for Biscuit after Will and I move in together, and he's not only fine with that, but is fine with the fact that I want a corgi or some other medium sized quirky looking little dog lol
I love bull terriers.
I'm going to start a political blog but I haven't decided what to name it yet.
I'm allergic to honey and watermelons.
The only medicine I'm allergic to is sulpha drugs.
I own a Justin Timberlake CD... and I listen to it. I do expect you to stop reading this now lol
I have a possessive and obsessive personality.
I STILL straighten out the gum packs and stuff when I'm standing in line. It makes me nuts.
People now say I look like my mother. After 20 yrs of them saying "oh you look just like your father!"
I love to cuddle and hug. I'm very physical.
I think kissing cures everything.
Ice cream makes everything better.
I've really been struggling through this list lol
I'm happy that I could make that part of the list lol and this
I miss the south almost as much as I miss NY.
I miss my childhood friends.
I don't know everything about me yet, and somehow that's comforting.

Let Me Tell About My Best Friend

2008-03-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

I was seven when I walked into a small privately run pet store in Texas. Me and my mama were buying feeder minnows for Sarah, my pet snake. I suppose I have to thank Jaime then for giving me Sarah, because without her I wouldn't have found you.

You were a little ball of orange striped fur. Cuddled up against a pale pink rabbit. They'd stained his fur with food coloring for Easter mama told me. Apparently it wouldn't make them sick. It was after Easter now and they had a pen full of kittens and rabbits.

There were other orange tiger kitties, but you were the one I wanted. You matched the kitten on my pencil sharpener, the one I'd told mama I wanted. I remember telling her with absolute certainty that can only be found in such young children, "Some day, that'll be my kitten."

And you were.

When I brought you home you were wrapped in a pink towel. To keep you warm mama said. Kittens get cold fast mama said. I didn't question, mama knows everything.

I paraded you around the midway, so proud of my new kitten. I, much to my amusement now, called you a little girl. Named you Tiger Lilly. The lady at the store said you were a girl, and she must know what she's talking about.

I remember taking you to the vet, for your shots. You were always so good about getting shots. And the vet flipped you on your back and said, with a slight chuckle and to my complete horror, "It's a boy."

Oh no, I'd named a boy LILLY, that's just not right!

Well, grandpa renamed you didn't he, and made up for mommy's mistake. He teased me, calling you Tiger Willy, and it stuck.

Grandpa loved you so much. You have no idea how much what happened hurt him.

We soon discovered you liked licking plastic bags, and had to learn to keep them out of your reach. You drove us crazy with it, but I secretly didn't want to deny you anything, and would let you do it when no one else was around and I was in a more than agreeable mood. I wanted you to always be happy.

You loved feathers, so much. You made the strangest little croaking sound when you'd watch birds or flies. You were a wonderful fly catcher.

I remember when we got you, you had been taken away from your mother too soon, and Bugs, a male cat, by some insane miracle, managed to finish nursing you. I'll never know how or why he did it, I'll never even understand how it was physically possible, but it was so.

Bugs loved you. You brought him out of mourning from when Christy, my Kissy, had died. Our beautiful long haired calico with the bumble bee marking next to her ear. You made him so happy.

Then Bugs become suddenly ill and we had to let him go. I know you grieved, we all did. It hurt us all so much. But none more than you. Bugs was your everything. I'm so sorry you lost him so soon in your life my baby kitty. I'm so sorry.

And then there was Rags, our beautiful lilac point Himalayan. A sweet, loving, soft baby boy. We lost him too soon. I know you grieved him too.

Then there was Jack. Our little girl. A rescued cat from the pound. You weren't close at first, but you grew on each other and eventually I got pictures like this one here. You loved her. She loved you.

And I brought a puppy into the house, for better or worse. You didn't like him, and Jack hated him. You eventually tolerated him, and Jack eventually became a recluse from him.

Then, last year, Jack-a-lac, Jumpin' Jack Flash, my Jacqueline, became so sick. The doctor couldn't fix it, and we were forced to let her go or make her suffer. We let her go.

I don't think you understood that one. I think that one confused you greatly. I remember how you walked around the house, howling for her for days. I'm so sorry, baby kitty... I'm so sorry you had to know that in your last year with us...

And then, what feels to be my greatest betrayal of my best friend. The one you laid in bed with me during every illness. The one that stayed by my side many nights when grandma and grandpa were out late. The one that knew how terribly lonely I'd get. The sweet little kitty that would let me hold him so tight while I wept after my grandpa Clyde died, my grandpa Don, my cousin Tom, and finally my grandma Barbara. Your fur soaked up so many tears, it's a wonder you ever dried. The one that would come sleep in my bed whenever I had a bad dream and didn't want to be alone. The one that would share my turkey, my ham, my chicken, my tuna with a zealous delight. The one that would come to life whenever I came home, howling and meowing. The one that I know knew every word coming out of my mouth, understanding everything I said with perfect clarity.

The one I will always feel I betrayed.

You'd been sick for so long. For years. We dealt with it however we could, and managed fine. Until the last year. And I did some research and the vet did tests, even the expensive ones. Nothing. We couldn't stop the inevitable. You were slowly falling apart.

Your arthritis kept you from playing how you used to, and I knew when the days were bad, you had a hard time walking the stairs, and would asked to be picked up onto the chair or the couch, it hurt too much to jump. There was blood and mucus in your stools. You would vomit for no real reason. We changed your diet, but it only worked for six months... we changed it again, and this time it only worked for a month.

I patiently cleaned your messes, and held you tight even when you didn't smell so nice. I stood in the kitchen, cutting up turkey and chicken for you like a good mother ought. I didn't complain when you made a mess on yourself, I cleaned you up. I didn't yell at you when you didn't make it to the newspaper we laid out. I knew sometimes it was too far. I'd lose sleep just to let you in and out of my room all night long, because you wanted in, but then you'd need out. I tried so so had to never get angry, to never lose patience, because I knew this was it. I saw the sands getting low, I knew there wasn't much left. So I treasured everything. Every moment I had with you. Every meow, every cuddle, every time you'd accidentally nip my finger in excitement for the turkey or chicken I was sharing with you from my dinner.

I loved you. I love you.

Then after our move here, it was obvious that time was up. I knew it in my head but my heart would not accept it. It still doesn't.

The morning it happened, your grandma came in and woke me. She said it had to be done today. She made the appointment and if I wanted to be there I needed to come. When I asked why, when I asked why today, she told me how bad the night had been. Why didn't I wake, why wasn't I up with you? Why didn't I hold you the night before, and cuddle you like I usually did?

I dressed quickly and finished my crying in my room. I didn't want you to see me upset. I didn't want you to feel it. I knew you would. I called daddy, who loved you too so very much, and I told him what grandma said. He'd been asleep but he comforted me, he stayed awake to take my call after it happened. That's why you like him being daddy isn't it? You knew he'd be good to me, I'm sure that's why you approved him so wholeheartedly.

Your grandma started to cry, I snapped at her to stop it, to not stress you more than you were. She held together fairly well, but once we were in the vet, she fell to pieces.

The vet asked me so many questions. Do you want to be there when it happens, yes, of course. Do you want individual or mass cremation, I want my baby, I want him with me. Do you want a clipping of his fur, I, I don't know, I can't think, I don't know. Do you want a paw print of him most people like that, I don't know, I can't make these choices right now, I don't know, I don't know.

Then there were all of my questions. Will it hurt, the first shot might sting a little, but it'll put him in a euphoric state, he won't feel or think about anything, he'll be completely happy, it'll make him totally limp so you know. Is it fast, I want it to be fast, it's fast, very, almost as soon as I inject him it'll be over. Good. Good, I don't want it to be long. I don't want him to feel anything. Will he know I'm here, he might, we can't be sure.

The vet and his wife were there, they did it. She took a paw print and a hair clipping for me. She knew I needed that. I'll always be thankful she did.

The vet shaved a small patch on his back leg, Tiger was already sedated, his eyes barely moving or blinking, his breathing deep and heavy. He looked at me, "Are you ready?"

It was out of body, my had on Tiger's haunch, I looked up. "Waiting isn't going to make this hurt less."

He nodded, his wife squeezed my arm.

The needle went in, the breathing stopped. Just like that. Two seconds and it was over.

He listened for Tiger's heart, that heart that loved so much and was hurt so many times. He shook his head, eyes briefly closed. "He's gone."

I heard mom give this horrible moan of grief next to me.

I think I sobbed. Maybe I was silent. I don't remember. All I remember are the tears. The never ending flood of tears.

We stood there and talked to the vet for a long time. He'd put his own dog to sleep just last year, while his mother held him, crying her eyes out. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

I hugged him, good and hard. I thanked him, over and over and over. He is a wonderful vet, he's treated my family with nothing but sympathy and compassion. He did everything in his power to save my baby boy. And in the end he made my kitty's passing quick and painless for him. For that I owe him more than words do justice.

We picked up Tiger's ashes last week. We put him to sleep on the 3rd. April he'd have been 13 years old. April and 13 haunt me more. April 13th is when my grandpa Don died of cancer. I was 13 when I lost my cousin and grandpa in the same year. We also left the carnival.

I didn't post any recent photos of Tiger because that's not how he should be remembered. He was so skinny towards the end. This is how I remember him. A big fat pumpkin kitty.

I waited to write this because this entry means a lot to me. This was my best friend, and my dearest companion. I've never in my life had a cat like him, and I never will again. I thought if I waited it'd also help with the tears. But I started crying after the first sentence and I still am. Big, heavy tears.

I will miss you with all my heart, Tiger, Tigger, Tig, Tigger Willy. You were my best friend. I will always love you.

More Than Winter

2008-03-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since I moved. One subject in particular I'm skirting like the plague. I don't wanna think about it. I don't want to think it happened. I don't want to accept that.

Denial is so much easier.

I feel this aching inside. Pain, mourning, loneliness, angst, but this divine depth of passion and restless rebellion.

There are two "me"s. The one that wants to curl into my blankets and never get up, the seven year old little girl that was scared of the things under the bed and cried whenever her mommy left. The little girl that screamed at spiders and was terrified of boys and being left alone, ever. The terrified, paranoid, lonely little girl I try my best to keep locked up inside me.

And then there's this other me, the girl that somehow convinced her parents to take her to NY to meet a man she didn't know. The girl that (he insists) kissed him FIRST. The girl that dances like a dork because she likes to, singing at the top of her lungs with the radio. The girl that cussed out a boy for picking on a friend. The girl that made her best friend's nose bleed when she was eight. The passionate outspoken fiery spirit that I like most in me.

I feel trapped inside my own body. How do you break chains of flesh and bone?

I ache for the sunshine, I ache to be held at night, I ache for the soft purring motor of my cat, I ache to be that girl I loved. I miss her. I miss myself. That sparkling passionate girl. I hate when she leaves.

Let the rain pour down and wash away all that I've become. Let the flowers bloom in my heart and the sweet smell of ocean air cleanse my soul. Give me back my other half. Give me back who I am.

I hope I can write it out the way it needs to be. The way that will do it justice. I need to honor my memories.

I'm just left this sad, scared little girl, and I just want my kitty...

Why Socialism Works

2008-02-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

Bet that title got your attention huh?

Would you sterilize your teenage daughter?

Uh. No. I wouldn't.

Now let me count the ways this won't work...

A) Yay, you made sure she won't get pregnant! Good job. Whatcha gonna do about AIDS!?!

B) Congratulations on being a lazy fuck that didn't teach your child any morals. Okay might not be "your fault"... but it is.

C) Uh can we say screwing up hormones? I'm very curious HOW they intend to do this because there are a ton of ways you're going to screw up a developing female body by fucking with the hormone levels. Believe me, if anyone gets that, it's me.

D) Not all sterilizations WORK. Sometimes the body REVERSES what the doctors have done. Nature at it's best. Again, I'm curious what they're proposing.

E) WHY is the GIRL being sterilized? I mean, if girls rape somebody they don't get them pregnant. Of course, sterilization at all gets rid of the DNA evidence that's sometimes used when the victim chooses to give birth to the baby.

F) Doesn't this ENCOURAGE promiscuity? No offense, but quite honestly, if there wasn't the threat of getting pregnant, I probably would have had sex a hell of a lot younger than when I was nineteen and knew all about birth control and how to impliment it. Because I waited longer I was safer. BECAUSE I didn't want to accidentally bring a child into this world! (Guess that clears up any questioning my readers had lol)

G) Doesn't this also give a bit more of a green light for rapists? Think of how many girls/women that never come forward to say what happened to them. The only evidence, as cold as this may sound, by the time some women choose to come forward is the baby.

H) Can anyone say socialism, communism, or Hitler? Anyone? I can see Hitler doing this to make sure that the "lower" class beings couldn't breed. Am I totally off base here or can someone else see that? (Assuming this was when he wasn't killing them that is.)

I) How much personal freedom are we willing to give up in this world? You can guarentee that if this goes through in the UK, it's going to be brought up here. We have a LOT of politicians in this country that would rather have been European. Deal with it.

J) What about religious rights? Birth control is against certain religions. Do those people get a pass? Wouldn't that mean all someone had to do is say "oops I'm [something]" and they get a free pass? People will get very creative in ways to get out of this.

So yeah. I'm pissed. Very pissed. To think this even came up for discussion in any part of this world is so incredibly disgusting.

How about parents actually BE in their kids' lives from the moment they're born rather than when their teenager starts acting up saying "I have no idea what went wrong, she was always so happy." Well, yeah, when you ignore a child for the first 13 yrs of their life, everything does seem perfectly happy.

How about not being afraid to bring up the word "sex" around a younger child? My mom talked to me about sex from the time I was little. "When two people are together it's supposed to be special, it's supposed to mean something. You should never be with someone you aren't in love with. You should wait until you're old enough to really understand what's going on. If you aren't comfortable having a child with that person, you shouldn't have sex with them."

My mom most certainly never gave me a detailed scientific talk about sex. Never actually. When I was thirteen she gave me a birds and bees book and said, "If you have any questions let me know." I was horrified. But I read it when I was home alone and didn't feel all weirded out.

My mom never ever forget to stress the importance of protection, of waiting for the right person.

But she never condemned it either. She understood that people were human, and humans are animals, and we have urges to be with another person.

The first time I went to NY by myself to stay with Will, she gave me advice on birth control. We didn't have sex, but it meant something to me that she was willing to get over the "ew" of having to say this stuff to your 18 year old daughter. And when we WERE ready, I remembered her advice. Not just from that one time, but from my entire life. I understood the commitment I was making, I understood that the very first time could be all it takes for me to get pregnant. Maybe we weren't financially ready, but I knew that if that happened, we would both fight as hard as we could to be together and raise that child to the best of our ability. I felt safe with him, and I don't think parents teach their children just how good it feels to be with someone when they treat you with respect and love and security.

The entire reason, in my opinion, that this is even on the table, is because a lot of parents got really lazy and raised really lazy children. And their very lazy children told the kids of the not so lazy parents that they were uncool for not being lazy like they were. Then the not so lazy parents' kids decided they wanted to be cool and lazy too. And the good parents got kicked in the ass because of the lazy parents.

Welcome to morality and responsibility getting flushed down the toilet.

What THE?!?

2008-02-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Today I have lost hope in humanity.

The first customer who came in was this little old guy (by old I mean OLD) and started to open the panels on the fireplaces, pointing to the knobs and saying "Well that's what I got."

Uh... Yeah that's great, but that doesn't tell me the make and model. Which if you need replacement parts I'm gonna kinda have to know.

"That knobby thing, that's what I got there."

"But I'll still need to know the model sir."

"Well it's just like that."

"Each fireplace is different sir, I can't give you a price without knowing the make at least."

"Hmm... Well it's like that."

OKAY! I GOT IT! KNOBBY THINGS!

Sheesh...

Then he went and stood in front of the door and stared out for about 15 minutes.

The second guy, although he talked and acted more friendly, was just as odd.

No cars pull in, no trucks, nada. All the sudden I see this guy zip across the parking lot and into the showroom. He b lines it for the back of the showroom, and then I hear the bathroom door close.

Ooookay... If you gotta go you gotta go. But he just came from the direction of the gas station, which has bathrooms. Huh.

Then I call mom and dad to see how far away they are, because this is just a friggin weird day, and I feel someone watching me, I turn, and RIGHT next to me is that guy that just walked in.

It took a lot not to jump.

"You sell electric?"

"Uh, yes, we do, it's in that room right behind me." (Note, I'm still on the phone.)

"This room here?" And he darts off into that room.

I hang up and come in there as he's about to bounce back out.

"What model are you looking for?"

"Oh I don't know. Gimme the prices on all of them."

Shit. I don't know where the prices are on two of them.

"Okay, let me get you the price on the Markham."

I get him the price and his response is a very bouncy hyper, "Cool cool cool." I don't need to tell you what his reaction was when I told him the price was with the mantel.

Then he's all like, "So this is a family business right? All the [last name]s."

"Yes, it is, all family run, small business."

"Neato. So yeah nice to meet you!"

Shakes my hand, vigorously.

Then with the same amount of gusto he had entering, he fled the scene.

I was left with a complete feeling of, "WHAT just happened???"

Oh it's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, beautiful day in the neighborhood, would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?

This is why people smoke pot isn't it?

I Got Bit

2008-02-06T20:31:00.000-08:00

(Oh my, I had no idea I'd write this much lol)

Bit by the writing bug!

Maybe it's an "first time I'm voting in a presidential election I'm moving therefor a newly developed HGTV addict Will's graduation trying to get a job and failing and did I mention I've gained way too much weight in one year" thing. But I want to write. A LOT.

First, gotta say it. I LOVE MY GIRLS! Ugh. You guys. Seriously. It's so nice to hear people I KNOW are from totally different backgrounds having common sense. I'm REALLY not exposed to that here. (IE I went to the local caucus and I heard people praising McCain for being a good Republican... er... does NO one else remember he almost LEFT THE FRIGGIN PARTY a few years ago?!? Just a thought.)

You girls are so refreshing, really. Thank you for giving me some faith in human kind.

I DO have an announcement though. Considering this IS an election year, and I AM political even if I don't fall neatly into either party... I'm making up some commenting rules. I REFUSE to let this place become a comment battle ground. If anyone wants to duke it out they can do so in their OWN space. I'll have details for all the rules posted soon. Basically if you say something I deem just out of line, it won't be published. For now, play nice lol

Today I spent five hours in the basement sanding my desk that I've had for, let's see, oh, six years lol I've been promising to refinish it and I finally started to get it sanded down. It was that really tacky yellowish brown 1960's-1970's stain lol It had the typical lines of the time and some really ew things like very sharp edges, and the cut-outs below the drawers were atrociously shaped so I'm going to cut them out square. I've already softed all the edges with an electric sander and some by hand for the finishing touch on the top piece. I have one side down, the drawer framing, and the front flat panels. Before stopping tonight, I started on the inside side panels and the inner side of the back brace.

When I'm done with it I'll be putting on modern brushed nickel hardware and staining it a really chic dark cappuccino. I'm trying to match it to this bedroom set I've picked out. I'm SO excited to see it done, I've never gotten to do a project this big even though I've helped mom restore furniture all my life.

I've also picked out some fantastic colors to paint the basement room, which will be mine. There's this wood panel wanes coating and great molding around the ceiling. Sad thing is, the previous owner? Painted everything LEMON yellow. Like wow oh my that's yellow yellow lol But what I'll be doing is painting the molding alabaster, and the upper part of the wall antique white. Then for the wanes coating, Sherwin Williams makes a brown calling hopsack, which is really lovely and isn't too dark for the space. REALLY don't want it to be a dungeon lol

Lighting fixtures need some updating too. They have white track lighting and a recessed light that puts out zero light. So what I'm gonna eventually do, is hang pendant lights I found on ebay where the track lighting is and replace the recessed light with a ceiling fan/light combo.

No idea what to do about the floor. It's gray. I think I'll just faux paint it something. Maybe grass mat. I don't know, it's a huge space.

I'm really excited because this is the first time in my LIFE I get to do anything to a room. My parents intend to live in this house for a long long time, so I want it to make a great guest room once Will and I find a place where the dog can be.

We've already settled that I'm not moving out until we can buy a house, even if it's a run down POS. I was born to remodel homes. I have my dad's itch for construction and my mom's eye for design. Yes, I'm blowing my own horn, so what lol It's the one thing I know I'm good at.

Anyway, redoing this room will be a great test run for me to work on small outdated spaces lol (I see visions of my first home buying experience in the distance...)

Also, craigslist and I have become very good friends. The freebie section is calling to me with things that I can refinish or retask. (Retask: to take an item that once had one job, and transform it into something else entirely.)

Tomorrow we do our final walk through on the house before closing. (Closing is 9am on Friday.) We have to measure for appliances (the stove is from 1950 and doesn't work), take account of the things left in the house (such as the piano), see what the carpet in the only carpeted room looks like now, see if there's any damage to the wood floors, etc etc... Just make sure that everything is in order and nothing was damaged in their moving process.

Did I mention the pool is heated? Random thought lol

Mom's freaking out. Dad is giddy. I'm... somewhere in between. Like right now, I'm shivering. I feel like the Taco Bell dog on speed. My nerves are on edge. UGH I just realized I'm grinding my teeth. I'll bite my tongue instead... Oh yeah tongue chewing is way more attractive lol

I know dad is looking at this house almost the same way I am. Which is, "WOW this has to much potential!" And I know mom is doing the other half of me, "Oh god where are we going to put the couch, if I put the tv there the light will hit it, I need area rugs, the dining room table is going to look awful in there, will those bookshelves fit, what about the..." and on and on and on...

This house is a huge commitment. My parents have NEVER bought a house before. We were SUPPOSED to be buying this house. We ended up being part of the biggest case of mortgage fraud in the history of the United States. I'm not kidding, that came from the FBI guy that called my dad. This house was foreclosed on and had never been processed in our name.

The last house, my mom put her heart and soul into. She'd never had her own house before. She painted this giant mural, it took her three months. She completely redid the garden. It was stunning. She made the house gorgeous. Then, the woman that owned the house, who was supposed to give us a two year lease, then an option to buy, decided she wanted to live in the house. She gave us one month to find a new home and get out.

Ninety-nine percent of our issues were naivety. My parents didn't know any of our rights. We were thoroughly screwed over twice. We in result of that, lost thousands and thousands of dollars. We could have already bought a huge house for how much we spent on the last two.

That's one of the ways I feel lucky. I learned to NEVER go in with blinders on. Always do your research, always get legal advice, always use a professional, if your gut is telling you something is wrong SOMETHING IS WRONG. All of my parents mistakes were incredibly valuable lessons for me. They suffered so I don't have to. I'm really grateful for that.

I mean, my parents screwed up a lot lol God bless them but they screwed up their credit when I was little. It's taken them until now to repair it. They made a LOT of stupid choices, a lot of uninformed choices. They've had tax trouble with the state, they've gotten screwed when getting insurance, when filing a lawsuit, and obviously when buying a house. My parents have made every single mistake possible. And every single one of those mistakes benefited me more than anything they could have done.

Whenever I tell people that I want to get into real estate investment and ultimately remodel old homes, such as colonial and Victorian, they look at me like I'm crazy and make a tsking sound. It makes me angry. It really does. Because I know they think, "Here's this kid that doesn't have a clue how hard this is" when I've lived in construction all my life. When my dad taught me how to rewire a lamp when I was five, and the smell of varnish is almost the same to me as the smell of my mother's perfume.

People just don't understand that part of me. Admittedly, it probably has something to do with the way I look. I'm very picky about my hair and my makeup and making sure my clothing is just so. But that's not me when I'm working. When I'm working it's chap stick, a bandana or a rubber band holding back my hair and a pair of torn up jeans. It also probably has to do with my weight too. I don't LOOK strong. But I'm stronger than any of the women I know and I replace one of the guys pretty easy. I don't care if a break a nail, I don't care if I bleed, I don't care if the next day I have a giant black bruise. So what. It comes with the territory.

I've always hated being treated like a girl when I was with the guys because they thought I was too "poofy" to handle it. To me, the makeup, the clothes, the perfume, that's ME because I AM a girl, I'm a young woman I LIKE that stuff. But the dirt under my nails, the mud on my jeans, the grass stains, the bruises, the pony tails, that's ME too, that's the rough and tumble I grew up around mostly men me. That's the really comfortable me. I just don't understand why I'm not allowed to be both. And I know I echo many many women when I say that which is why the issue is even more confusing to me.

Holy cow. I made some funky turns to get to this point lol I wrote way way too much. But I'm posting it anyway.

And I'll post pictures of the desk once I get it done. Other than that I think I finally ran out of writing steam lol

Love ya'll, leave me thoughts.

And THIS is Why....

2008-02-05T20:31:00.001-08:00

...no one person can, or should, ever get full power in this country.

Anyone up for a healthy serving of stripping civil liberties? Give me a break... Why did this even MAKE it that far?

If you're obese, no food for you!

Uh, What the...?

2008-02-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, I understand some things are just cute, really lol I DO have a sense of humor.

But am I REALLY the only person disturbed by this? Some things are harmless, like buying the politico onesie... But having your child wear it to SCHOOL? Eh... Sorry but I KINDA think that's taking it a bit too far.

This is coming from the person who's mother plaster a "Dole for President!" banner over her bed when she was little... Heh lol

I mean, okay, raising your kid to have your moral beliefs and trying to have them think the way you do isn't just typical it's totally natural. But isn't this kinda teaching kids that "Republicans/Democrats are evil and never ever believe them! They will eat you in your sleep if you let one in the house!" (Okay maybe not THAT bad lol)

I knew Rush Limbaugh's voice as well as my own parent's when I was little. God knows I don't agree half the time with the man now. But the thing is, my mom, as much as she SHOWED me her ideals and her feelings on issues, she NEVER forced them on me. I was allowed to think however I wanted. And I CERTAINLY wasn't a billboard for her thoughts.

Ugh, I don't feel like I'm making my point here.

The POINT is... Aren't you slowly but surely taking away your child's ability to think beyond party lines?

God knows mom and I don't agree on things. I'm a little more "live and let live (unless you're screwing up someone else)" route and she prefers the more strict route of religion. Which is fine. We just don't agree. No great things came from two people saying they agree completely with each other. It's through the butting of heads and ideals that we make progress.

I don't know, as exposed as I was to my parents ideas and politics, this just feels totally different to me.

Maybe I'm wrong. It's happened before lol But something about this really really disturbs me. We live in a world with a big political line in the sand, and I think this is just making that worse... I'd like to think that someday, that we have raised generations of brainwashed kids that can't take five minutes to think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, the other side is right on an issue.

My heart over rules my head way too much sometimes lol I'll go shove my world peace shit in a box under the bed.

Later, hopeful when my cynical brain is back in place.

12,000!!!

2008-02-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Woo hoo over 12,000 hits since the beginning of this blog! Yeah baby!

The Absolutely "Awwness" of it All

2008-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

Can I just saw awwwwww here? lol Jimmy (the sweetheart) gave me this award, which SO made MY day. I really couldn't help smiling, especially when it was followed with a slap on the wrist for not writing much lately. (Like how cute IS that? lol)

::sniffling tear filled BS acceptance speech:: I want to thank all the little people that made this possible... Whoever invented the keyboard... Light bulb dude because without him monitors would not exist... Bill Gates for inventing a computer that makes me crazy at least once a day... All the idiots in the world that constantly infuriate me... Skinny bitches, without you I would never get to say "eat something already"... And especially Blogger, who, with their VERY limited resources, managed to make this blog so easy to use... Thank you! You love me, you really love me! ::bows to nonexistent applause::

If I said I wasn't laughing through typing all that, I'd be such a liar lol

But seriously... (If I can actually pull off serious right now I'll be amazed, I'm so goofy today.)

It made me think about why I write. How much I bucked whenever my mom would say, "You'll be a writer someday." Ewww writer... that's SO dorky mom! Well, it is still dorky, but I learned to embrace my dorkdom.

I never EVER feel like I write anything that really MEANS something. So to have someone say, that at some point in time, I wrote something that meant something to them, means so much. To me, it's just whatever random thought happens to lurk in my brain for more than a few minutes and manages to get written down. Believe me, for a blonde, that's really hard to do. (And I hate that spell check keeps telling me blondE is wrong... Get a dictionary Blogger/Firefox.)

So, thanks Jimmy. It was mighty kind of ya.

And to pass on the award to my flying monkeys!

De- Always look forward to your comments, and to reading your blog. You make me smile! (Refraining from a link until further notice.)
Judi- You've been a reader for a long time, and you've always given great input. Your writing means so much to me!
Nancy- You remind me so much of my aunt Donna! There's a wonderful sweet glow that just radiates off of you.
To my Billiam aka Kittyman aka Will! You listen to all my bull before it's ever written. And you're a great editor lol
To my off and on readers, I do appreciate your visits, always.
To the lurkers that don't often comment, when you DO comment it makes my day! I like knowing I've written something you FINALLY had to comment on! (Even if it's to disagree with me lol)
To the people I can't officially give this to because they don't have blogs, but are good friends of mine and read this whenever they can, your emails and IMs to me mean a lot.
And I WOULD give it to Jimmy, but he's already gotten it once and then there'd be this endless circle and the madness must stop somewhere lol

Okay, that's it ya'll! Now save this graphic and go bestow it to all of YOUR flying monkeys! (You'd have to listen to local radio to get that, but believe me, flying monkey is good lol)

A New Look

2008-01-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

Here's the first new layout I've done in... how many months? Only took me two days to get all the artwork and coding right lol

Next I'll be adding more to the music list which will take time at home. I'm not taking anything off. (Except one song that I just noticed doesn't play more than what, 25 seconds? But I'll be downloading that song to my host again and putting it back in.)

I'm really really happy with this layout. It's super bright, clean, very (as Will put it) "crisp" which is exactly what I wanted.

The header came from a statue which is a native of Taylors Falls, Minnesota. I'll have to see if I can find her history online. It's based off a picture I took of her in August out for a drive with my grandma, mom and dad. I took a TON of pictures, which I'll have to upload to flickr soon. I got some really spectacular shots.

Anyway, I loved that statue from the moment I saw it. She reminded me of an angel that swims rather than soars. Something about her is too angelic to me to be a mermaid lol Oh and if you scroll all the way down? Yeah, those rocks are from Lake Superior. Everything here in Minnesota inspired. Eek. I'm assimilating lol

Hope ya'll like it!

Long Long Long Post

2008-01-26T12:19:00.001-08:00

Okay well I'll start with what just happened then go into the details of the last, what, three weeks?

I got a message today on my phone saying my profile was cute and to go to blah blah blah... You know the spam drill. FIRST time this has happened to me. I know. Lucky. But then I realized, I don't know of ANYONE that this has happened to. And I had no clue what to do about it.

So I called AT&T customer service and spoke to a truly nice woman named Erica. (Or Erika, idk.) And she told me that there's this handy little part of AT&T called mymessages.wireless.att.com which lets you pick who you want text messages and emails from. Amazingly, as much as I access my account online, I never knew this. So as helpful and informative as she was (she explained everything that happens and what all I needed to do) I thanked her and set up my online messaging account. Who knew you needed to register for that one individually? Of course it never occurred to me to change message settings because well it never occurred to me that I HAD any.

So I logged in, registration went painfully smooth. Set up my block/allow list, put up my alias phone email and viola! Done. No more phone spam.

A call to customer service that went smooth, registration to an account online that had no glitches, log in that for some reason didn't not (ow that hurt to say) recognize my password and a simple painless solution? All in one day?

Needless to say I'm waiting for the anvil to drop on my head and let me know it was all too good to be true lol

Here's the thing though, I have never, EVER had issues with AT&T customer service. They have always been super pleasant and helpful and have no issue saying "Well, I'm not sure what to do about that, hold on a moment and I'll get my supervisor."

Major change from T-Mobile CS which always gave me hell. There were times I had a problem and just didn't call because it wasn't worth it to me.

On the home search front though, I've got some great news. We bought a house! Closing will be on Feb 4th and it's a lovely place near a lot of shopping and major highways/intersections. MUCH closer to my parents store. Easy access to everything but deep enough in this residential area that we can't HEAR the highways.

And it has a pool that is coming with a one year warranty from the current owner. Fenced in back yard (great for a certain puppy), beautiful hardwood floors, bright sunlit windows, huge trees, very little mowable yard, lots of landscaping in the back with a huge patio, a deck, and a three season porch. The upstairs bedrooms are nice size and there's a formal dining room that's got a bay window that mom's going to turn into a reading room. And the kitchen is lovely, appliances need serious updating though. I think the stove is from 1950 lol But we'll put the fridge in the garage for extra space.

The basement will be mine, it's finished but there's a lot of things I want to do with it. It's painted lemon yellow right now (all over) for instance with wanes coating across the bottom and a chair rail with molding at the top. I'm going to paint the molding and chair rail alabaster and the dry wall section antique white, then paint the wanes coating hopsack brown. (You can go to http://www.sherwin.com/do_it_yourself/paint_colors/index.jsp and select color visualizer then find color. They're all listed in the top section of colors around the browns.) The floor is just painted/sealed gray right now and I'm thinking of taking on the extremely large job of faux painting it. (Not sure what yet.) The basement has never had any problems with moisture or leaking and there are no cracks. The foundation was done perfectly, and for a house made in 1965 I don't think we're going to see anything bad happen.

There are some cheapo shelves put in the basement too, built in to block off an opening to a storage room which has a curtain for a door. I'm going to hang a curtain rod and use the shelving for clothing and misc items and I won't have closet or cabinet space for. Cheap easy solution.

The basement is very large, which is awesome because I can now put up my shelves my parents got me TWO YEARS AGO lol, and finish the desk I bought at a thrift store and finally use it. I can even put in some seating for reading and watching TV. (Hello thrift stores and craigslist! lol)

Anyway very excited about this house, even though there are some obvious drawbacks. Such as a two car garage when we really need a three or four car. No central air, and no air ducting installed which means we're going to have to use window air until we can afford to $8k plus to install AC. The pool is as much of a drawback as a bonus, because A) you have a lot of maintenance, B) when it snows you can't tell WHERE the pool is because of the cover, and C) it leaves no room for a grassy back yard. (C is also a plus because my dad hates mowing, but it's a drawback because of the dog.) Anyway, it will all eventually get fixed.

Another issue is the payments. Because we couldn't afford a down payment the monthly will be $2,100 which is much more than we wanted to do. It's going to stay that way until we have accumulated enough to equal 20% down, then it'll drop to about $1,800 we HOPE. Plus once my parents' credit gets better (mom's has gone up 70 points in the last year) they can refinance and get a better percentage, which will cut their payments down considerably.

Now to another issue that I need to fill everyone in on... We didn't put Tiger down. I know, I was shocked too. He got so bad so fast we decided that we'd just let him pass at home... except it didn't happen. He started to get better. He started eating and drinking and getting his mouthy attitude back. We were all stunned. He's now plumped back up and is as mouthy as ever. We still have to deal with the occasional "accidents" around the house but it's nothing major. In the last week we've only had one little accident, and the normal cat puking that all cats forever do lol (Amazing how they ALWAYS puke on the carpet isn't it?)

So that obviously made my world a much much happier place.

But... We are dealing with a new issue. Biscuit has decided it's perfectly okay to dig through the trash. I honestly think this is frustration on his part because he hasn't really gotten to spend time outside in over a year. (Dad took his lead off over a year ago and has refused to put it back out. Meaning since our yard isn't fenced and we all work a lot, Biscuit is spending a lot of time indoors, alone.) I know he's not happy right now and I'm hoping that once the snow melts and Biscuit learns where the pool is (we don't want to let him run out there because he'll fall into the pool) that his attitude will get better. I know he's unhappy and frustrated and I wish I could fix it. I've tried to play with him and baby him more but it's just not enough. He needs space to play and run.

The last two days mom's gone downstairs to find the trash bin turned over and garbage strewn all over the house. This morning she absolutely lost it. His behavior has gotten so bad lately I can't blame her. I think I need to get him a new toy, like a Kong, and stuff it with treats before we leave for work or shopping. Give him something to do for a while. He used to spend hours on his old one working to get the treats out. I think I'll pick one up next time we go to WalMart, since I have no idea what happened to his old one.

On to family issues.

My cousin Lisa is moving to Mexico and her younger sister Martha is moving to Arizona to be with my aunt (her mom) too. So the only family left here will be my cousin Matthew and my grandma Mary. My parents are planning to leave Minnesota as soon as they get the business to the point they can sell it (they're thinking about five or so years) and Will and I only want to be here two or three years before we move (back) to New York. We both (me more so) think that we can stash away enough money by then to get a halfway decent place there. But this also highly depends on how long Biscuit lives, I refuse, absolutely completely, to make him live in an apartment. He's too big for that, he needs a yard.

My grandma had skin cancer on her hand. So she went to her doctor (alternative healing) and showed him the spot. He picked out a bunch of herbs/plants to mix together and gave her this mash of them. When she asked if it was cancer he just looked at her for a moment before saying "Well I'm not qualified to determine that." All it took was one look to know that's what it was. My dad's had skin cancers before, I know what they look like. She had a huge spot on her hand.

Anyway I really can't talk more about it, FDA is very um... Pushy about these kinds of things so I'll just say that she's fine now and if you want to know more you can email me. (Or leave a comment and another with your email which I won't publish, all comments are moderated by me, no one else will see your email.) The story is really cool but I'm not going to publish something that might get people in trouble.

(None of these claims are approved by or investigated by the FDA. All claims are not proven. "It is one of the requirements of the alternative practitioner to disclose the patient's bill of rights in Minnesota as of July 1st, 2001 because of their new Complementary and Alternative Health Care Freedom of Access bill Gov. Jesse Ventura signed into law." Quoted from http://homeoinfo.com/04_the_case/legal/legal_issues.php [There, my ass is covered lol])

Okay what else...

OH! Yeah! Will was here for two weeks! lol

And it was an amazing two weeks. I forget how quickly I get back into the groove of living with him. It was great just sitting on the couch watching TV. I always forget how good it feels to be cuddled up to him at night when I'm falling asleep... even if he snores and decides it's perfectly alright to steal my half of the blankets lol He cocoons himself. Seriously. It's like sleeping next to a crocodile doing a death roll sometimes lol But usually it's quite comfortable.

I showed him the pot and pan set mom got me/us for Christmas and the dish set they gave us. (Pretty plain white with a lined pattern around the edges. They'll be nice everyday dishes.) He bought a new coffee maker when he was here. We talked about how we're going to make his move here work.

We've figured that he'll get an apartment in the cities for six months to a year, and build a renters record before we try to buy a place. Since there's no way I can move into an apartment with Biscuit and I'm absolutely NOT leaving him with my parents. My mom can't handle him and she's home way more than dad. Her shoulder just isn't strong enough to deal with him. He's a 90lb dog, he packs a pulling punch. BUT... We'll make everything work. It's not going to be easy but it never is.

Good thing is that even though Will doesn't have his license, the new house is near a bus route, six blocks away is the stop. And the cities have a lot of stops. Will's place costs $950 a month now and for him to get a place about the same size, with more amenities will cost about $650 here, maybe less. So his expenses will take a dive, but the slack will be taken up by paying back the student loan. Good news is that public trans costs about half as much here. So that expense will get cut too.

Whew. Think I got everything caught up. If I didn't, I'm sorry lol It's gonna have to wait for another post.

That's all for now! Enjoy the rest of your night or morning!

About My Baby

2007-12-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

So here it is. A little under an hour til midnight. I'm alone, on the computer, and in a less than ideal state.

To begin the serious of... craptastic events, I'll start with my cat. The rest I might fill in later.

I got Tiger when I was seven years old. It was after my mom's cat Christy had died of cancer and Bugs, our tuxedo cat, was lonely. I got to pick my very first "big" animal. (Meaning one with fur or feathers.) It was just after Easter and they had the Easter kittens and rabbits in a pen in this pet store we were in. And I saw him. This little fuzzball of absolute perfection. His very color cried out to me. A pumpkin kitty, a soft little orange tabby cat with white markings. Very young, and looking back he had probably been taken from his mother too soon.

I had to have him. He looked just like the kitten on this pencil sharpener I had, and I was convinced this meant I was destined to be his mommy. I can only hope now, so late in the game, that I was right.

He and Bugs bonded deeply. Tiger being so young, still had an urge to nurse, and Bugs, even though he was a male cat, let him nurse. Bugs put his weight back on that he had lost from Christy's death, and became playful again. He turned into a patient loving father cat to Tiger. Tiger definitely made the end years of Bug's life worthwhile.

Then Bugs lost control of his bowels quite suddenly. There was nothing we could do and he was miserable. We put him to sleep.

Tiger mourned Bugs, he'd lost his best friend and father, and anyone that has never had an animal can't possibly imagine how much they mourn.

Again, mom and I went to a pet shop, not looking for a kitten but finding one anyway. A beautiful little boy, lilac point ragdoll. Since he went limp every time he was picked up we obviously had only one choice of what to name him, given his breed: Rags.

Rags was two years old when he developed what the vet said was a rare disease in male cats called FLUTD. Which basically makes it impossible for a cat to pee. We treated him twice, and upon the third time around the vet told us that we either had to preform surgery which would leave Rags feeling uncomfortable the rest of his life and may not cure him, or we would have to put him to sleep. We made the only decision we thought was human, and let the vet do what he recommended, letting our little boy pass on.

Some months later, Tiger again in grieving, we found a little girl cat at a pound. She was quiet, timid, and very pretty. We took her home and named her Jack.

After I got a puppy for my thirteenth birthday, a large mutt you all know as Biscuit, Jack became a recluse, refusing to be near the dog. It happened slowly. First she just avoided him, then she avoided the living room, then she avoided the downstairs until suddenly she wouldn't even leave my mother's bedroom.

She always stayed thin and her fur had become a problem, turning into a matted mess. No matter how often she was brushed, her hair had developed this curly kinky quality that would not be tamed. Then came the skin disorders that the vet couldn't identify and the miracle shampoos and conditioners and brushes, etc etc...

Then she got sick. Very sick. We took her in and the vet told us she had a blockage in her intestines. Thinking that would be all, the vet told us he'd wash out her intestines and keep her overnight for observation. Worried, but trusting the vet, we left her the night. Everything went fine until a month later it happened again. Again we left her with the vet. Again we thought everything was alright, with a little less conviction than the first time.

A month later I woke up and Jack was gone. My parents were at work so I simply thought she was hiding out some where. Maybe got up enough guts to go downstairs and decided to stay in the basement, she liked it down there. Then I got a call from dad telling me to clean up and throw out all of Jack's things. I knew what it meant but I had to have him say it, so I asked way. He told me Jack had gotten incredibly sick the night before, throwing up everywhere, mewing, in terrible pain, so he had taken her in that morning and had her put down.

I spent two hours on the phone with Will crying.

That was this summer.

And now... My baby boy, my sweet, wonderful baby boy... My Tigger Willy... Is very sick... He's been sick for a while and we've battled it every way we know how. We spent hours at the vet the last time and both vets were in the room with us, because they love Tiger so much. They've done everything they can for my baby, I know that. They've mixed every cocktail of steroids and antibiotics imaginable. They've given us the food and the appetite stimulants, free of charge. They've been incredibly kind.

Tiger is 13 year old now. A sweet mouthy baby that loves to be held and patted. He still watches flied with amazement and gets excited when mom opens a can of food. Except now he doesn't chase the flies, or eat more than a few bites of food. He's lost a lot of control of his bowels, and he's lost too much weight. His fur has become faded with more than age, and I can smell the end of things in his fur.

Mom told me last week that we'll be putting his to sleep some time the beginning of this year. And my heart is screaming.

He's not just a cat to me, he's my baby. But as much as I want to have him with me forever, my want for him to not be in pain wins out. Tigger was my one true constant growing up. Cuddling me when I would cry and curling up on the bed with me when I was sick. Never caring how made I'd get, or how mean I could be. Always loving and tender and sweet.

I knew this would have to be the next entry I write in here, which I think is why I've put off writing. To write it is to admit what is about to happen. To admit to a huge chunk of my heart being ripped out of me.

I don't think anyone that has never truly loved an animal, never had that kind of bond can understand how much pain I'm in right now. Part of me doesn't know if anyone really understands my relationship with Tiger.

I've spent over a year preparing myself to let him go, and it hasn't helped one bit. If only he were so much different. If only he didn't still look at me with those big golden eyes. If only he didn't go crazy every time a can was opened or someone ate chicken, tuna, or turkey. If only he didn't have that same wonderful attitude. If only I could have that kind of justification that it's time.

To say that this is just something that's happening would be an understatement. I've cried myself to sleep several nights. Even writing this I'm sobbing. I don't get angry with him now, I hold him all I can, I pet him whenever I walk by and I go out of my way to let him sleep in bed with me even though he likes to leave my room about fifteen times a night. I'd rather not sleep than make him wish for a warm place to cuddle.

No matter what, this won't stop hurting for me. He's my baby. And I want my baby with me. My Tiger is dying. My heart is crushed.

"Business Time" (aka Why I Love Men)

2007-12-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

This is why I love men. lol

My Family is REALLY Old

2007-12-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ever wondered what would happen if you could trace your ancestry back oh about 2000 plus years?

Well, lemme tell you. You find out you're related to people that may, or may not, be factual. Apparently I'm related to a King Arthur like family back about 100-300AD. Some of the people are undeniably real, other's are supposed god-like beings. Considering as much research as I've done on Norse mythology I know what's really the truth about these "gods" but still. Really freaky to find out you're one of god only knows how many people that can actually find direct connections that far back. (Like one is a "giant" who did blah blah blah. Do enough research you know that these "giants" were about 6'5" totally average by today's standards but the average height of a male back then was considerably shorter. If I remember men were about 5' 3" and women were about 5' but I may be slightly off on that. Been a while since I read about it.)

I'm also, undeniably, trust me, I ran over the line about 15 times trying to find something that didn't fit, related to Charlemagne. Yeah. The dude on the history channel. I'm related through his grandson, Charles the Bald. (Mom says she sees the resemblance to Charles the Bald in dad... shhhh he wouldn't find that funny lol)

And I'm Cherokee. This is all on my dad's mother's side. I'm descended from Quatsy of Tellico and Amatoya Moytoy. Not that far back in my genealogy either which I find very cool.

Anyway, this has been an incredibly experience, and it's only been three days research. Ancestry has managed to help me piece together all of these family trees. It's amazing. I'm mostly Dutch, Norwegian, French, German, and English. In that order. The earliest family (mind you this is all from following one branch so far... I have seven more to go from my great grandparents) recorded being in the United States was in 1570, New York. Then we were in New York for about 300 years, before my great great great grandmother moved from New York. Amazing to know I had generations of family building New York City. Kinda explains my deep inexplicable love of the city huh? lol

I also found out my great great great great lol grandfather was black, his parents I think were slaves which is why I can't find any records of them existing. I thought it had to be a screw up on the census at first but there's three records of him, all different dates but a considerable amount, and all of which mark him as "black/coloured/negro" which totally stunned me. His wife was white, I know that only because HER parents are recorded and I can see their race marked in the census. Her race was never marked. Thomas and Lucy (grgrgrgrgrandparents) had a daughter they named Lucy as well, and on her census record she was marked as white, so I think it's safe to assume she was pale. Which, during that time in history, she was lucky. But I want to see if I can find out where Thomas's family came from. Just because he was black doesn't mean he came from Africa lol

Four days ago I knew my father's parents names, and two of my great grandparents name. Through utter determination and swallowing a fee to gain access to the records I needed, I've discovered almost 2,000 years of family history... And I'm not even done.

So worth spending $20 a month don't ya think?

Feminine Shape

2007-12-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'll try and contain my smirking and the urge to say "told ya so" lol

Female Shape Men Like the Most

Prudish Follow Up

2007-12-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

Your comments got me thinking. Has no one learned that me thinking is bad yet? lol

Forgive me if this is a little disjointed, I'm coming down with a cold and my brain isn't fully functioning. Fatigue sets in quickly for me.

I'm going to respond per comment, so bare with me.

Jimmy-

The accessory line, as completely not funny as it was, made me laugh. That's probably one of the most accurate descriptions I've ever heard used.

But onto what you made me think of.

When did human life lose it's value? When did parents stop teaching the value of it? My mother taught me that being a parent was the most important privilege a woman could ever have. That raising a child wasn't just something you did, it was how you changed history. She taught me that one life could change the world and you never could tell which life that would be. It might be the one you're raising, or the one your child raises, perhaps not until generations later would the importance come to light. But that every life had meaning, that every life should be treated with respect. And bringing a child into this world was your responsibility, that rearing it to be the future of our society was the most important job a person could have.

If a person views having a baby like buying a new purse, they ought to have their tubes tied.

Nancy-

The first line meant a lot, but the last meant even more. I'm glad my rant kept your mind of Shanti for a bit.

Anyway.

You made a very good point. How many girls get pregnant entirely on purpose because they think THEN he can't leave her, because then he HAS to love her, because then that magic switch will get flipped and the beautiful perfect life will happen? If I think of all the stories I've heard of girls sabotaging birth control, of any form, stopping taking the pill, puncturing condoms, diaphragms, etc etc... Makes me ill. To think that a woman could first off, value herself so little as to think that she could never do better than the man that she's with, secondly, value her partners feelings so little, and finally value the life of the being she is bringing into this would about as much as a puppy... It's just plain disgusting.

There's so many failures that lead to things like that. I can't understand a woman valuing herself so little as to do anything to make a man stay with her. I will never understand how a mother, or father for that matter, could let their little girl grow up thinking that way.

And I could never, ever, understand being with a man that didn't want a child too. I'm sorry but I would never even DATE a man that didn't have that life goal with me. There are certain things you simply must have in a partner and agreeing on children is the most important there is.(On a personal note, Will wants one or two, I want at least two. I'm a born mommy, I've wanted children since forever. I know I'll have a better idea what I really want after I've had a baby though, so I'm not in stone over anything, neither is he.)

Judi-

Glamorize raising children! Honestly, brilliant. Think of what the Hollywood elite are showing us right now. The baby phase that's going on. Madonna is a wonderful example, in my opinion. And if I didn't think Angelina Jolie actually spent time with her litter of pups I'd say she was too, but I think she actually does like children enough to give them her heart and time. But there is definitely a "designer baby" phase going on. It's "cool" to be a mommy.

Puhleez... Being a mother isn't about looking good, it's about giving away your heart. If you have a child and your heart still belongs mostly to yourself, you shouldn't have children in my opinion. If you aren't willing to lay down your life for the child that just spent over nine months growing inside you, something is wrong. (If you're lucky and it actually went full term, I was six weeks early when I was born.)

Also, the statistic you showed me... I really wish I could say it surprised me. But growing up on a carnival, most kids didn't have two parents, and usually one of the people involved, boyfriend or girlfriend, was abusive to them.

I remember this little angel I used to babysit... Her name was Brittany. Her father had just gotten custody because the mother was unfit. (Brittany had told me stories I won't dare repeat on here... Lets just say this six year old little girl saw more than most adults should ever see.) And Brittany's step mother hated her. I do mean hated. She had just had "their baby boy" and she didn't want Brittany. She saw her as an unpleasant fact she couldn't wait to get rid of. She tolerated her and nothing more.

I grew up around one girl and brother who were living out of their mother's van. Nevermind, that their mother had a trailer, they weren't allowed to sleep in their because mommy had boyfriends over all the time.

If anyone believes children need two parents, even if divorced, as a united front, it's me. I've seen too much from too early in life to feel any other way.

I've always wanted to be a mom, I've always wanted that HONOR. So to see people throw it one like an old coat... just hurts me so deeply. I love children, and I can say all children because I never met a child I couldn't get to behave around me. I've babysat absolute monsters that by the end of the day were angels with me. I know that I'm supposed to be a mom, that I was given perhaps the greatest gift by instinctively knowing what to do. Children are the world, the future, the greatest blessing ever bestowed on mankind. To abuse it, to abuse that precious privilege... To abuse that is in my mind to deserve no less than death.

Sex is a blessing, a beautiful gift to us. One that, if approached properly, binds not bodies, but hearts and souls. It is something that comes with a price though, it's not something that can be approached like play and play only. Sex is fun, sure, but you must be responsible, you MUST be accountable for your actions.

We have slacked off so SO much in teaching generations of people responsibility. We have, for far too long, taken up the slack.

It may "take a village to raise a child" but it shouldn't take the whole damn country.

I'm a Prude

2007-12-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

Am I a prude?

On a forum I'm on, I started to look at people's profiles a lot more. I've never really done that before. I'd have to say about 85% of the women between 19-25 were mothers and unmarried. Those that were married weren't with the father.

What the hell. I'm sorry but this makes my brain hurt. (I'd like to note that the older of this group also had older children. Most of these women had their first at 19-21 yrs old.)

Honestly, I don't CARE how much you like sex. If you're not intending on being in a long relationship with someone, or at least having a relationship with the father, why are you being careless enough to get pregnant? Get your tubes tied if you really can't be bothered to put on a condom. (Spermicide anyone?)

My mother never made sex a bad thing. She never told me it was evil or that women that got pregnant were scum of the earth, none of that holier than thou thinking. My mom taught me mistakes happen, but that sex is and should always be a beautiful and special thing between two people. That a child, no matter how they were brought into this world, deserved a mother and father and a stable loving home.

I understand divorce, I understand accidentally getting pregnant, I understand all of this, I understand bad choices... in moderation. But having 85% of the women my age and slightly older on that board being mothers and not even being with the father? Something rings very very very wrong with me there.

Talk about a failure to educate your children on responsibility.

I just felt stunned looking through these profiles, one after another. Here I am 20 years old, and I can't even imagine WILLINGLY getting pregnant this young, no less having it happen accidentally.

What's the biggest failure here? Society, parental? Why are so many young women already mothers? And why are they doing it alone? What are we not teaching young men?

I couldn't help but notice the amount of MEN in the same age range... None claiming to be fathers, and very few claiming to be with someone, even less claiming marriage. How many young men aren't taking responsibility for the half of the genetic code belonging to them? How many were never even told they're fathers? How many said "you can't get pregnant the first time" or other loads of shit that overly horny young men have fed to overly naive young women since the beginning of time?

Does this REALLY not bother anyone else? Am I really turning into such a prude?

I just find it so sad that this is the norm. What kind of society are we going to have in twenty years when all these children, many who won't know their fathers and grow up with the mother serially dating, come of age? What kind of mentality are we nurturing?

Here we are, this supposedly more advanced and sexually mature society. We're supposed to be less prudish, more open and intelligent about such things. Yet... teen birth rates are raising for this first time in how long? Why aren't we teaching our children how important and beautiful sex should be?

Call me a prude, call me old fashioned. I know things can't always be ideal. But when did people stop trying to do the right thing for a child that can't decide for itself, instead of doing what was easier for them? Is putting on a condom (the right way) so absolutely terrible, when compared to bringing a life into the world well before you're ready?

But I guess teaching children morals before they start screwing around would offend someone.

Advice Please

2007-12-06T14:02:00.001-08:00

Okay my cousin is graduating this month (LPN) and I have NO clue what to get her. Any ideas? What's a good gift for LPN grads?

Men, Relationships, Lying (In No Particular Order)

2007-12-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

I was just wondering what's the point of lying?

Okay, no, wait, that's not the point I want to make.

What's the point of lying to people you've just met?

Ugh, again, not the point I want to make.

What's the point in not being FULLY HONEST when someone asks you a question in the early stages of a relationship?

He'll know how much you weigh in a year, she'll find out you had hair plugs, it's gonna come out that you were temporarily a lesbian in college that one night when you drank about 5 more beers after your memory blacked out.

What's the POINT? If a person can't like you for stupid screw ups and little embarrassing stories, aren't they NOT worth it?

I am of course, ruling out co-workers, in laws, bosses, and religious leaders. (Call me old fashioned but I don't think the pastor wants to know about when you were a lesbian in college for that one night because you drank enough to have memory blacked out. Just a feeling.)

Why not be honest with a person you're dating? I mean, what IS the point of dating after all? Even if it's not marriage because for some reason the thought of a legal commitment and perhaps losing half your stuff freaks you out, then it's at least for a life long "thingy" isn't it? Again, I'm ruling out the playboys/girls in this. I'm talking about the people that actually consider dating, as only "dating" one person at a time.

Here I was talking to Will about god knows what and boom! It hits me. The reason I CAN be so friggin honest is because we ALWAYS were. We didn't lie about the everyday stupid shit that doesn't matter. We didn't slowly discover we had NO clue who this person was. We started honest and we've stayed that way. With a few reminding bumps along the way, yes, but everyone needs a good kick in the ass sometimes.

Why are WE such an exception? Why are we so RARE?

If you hate his shirt why say you like it? If you think her perfume smells like crap and makes your eyes water, why say it's your favorite?

And I'm not saying "Let's all be rude brutally honest bitches! YEAH!"

Uh no. There's nice ways to say you don't like something. There are GOOD ways to talk about things that are embarrassing. Things don't HAVE to be so uncomfortable and so murky and gray.

What's so hard about saying, "Honey, I know you love your perfume, but it burns my eyes, I might be allergic. Would you mind changing?" Or, "That shirt is okay but I REALLY love when you wear...."

Is that so bad? It's not that horrifically brutal honesty, but it's honest enough. Better than outright lying isn't it?

Of course, Will and I don't DO that. I hate his shirt I tell him so. He changes. He doesn't like my perfume, I wash it off. It's not a big deal in the big picture. Perfume and clothing and what movie you see, they're just THINGS aren't they? Okay so he wants Thai and you want Mexican. Is it so impossible to say, "Okay Thai tonight, but tomorrow we're having Mexican."

I write this from the female perspective because it's easier for me to imagine what I'm saying rather than what he'd say. He's male. Men are a mystery to me simply because they're so uncomplicated. It's insane to think of a human that doesn't experience all human emotion in the period of an hour. ::shiver:: Scary.

Just why fight over everything, why lie about stupid crap, why make every little thing a weekly, if not nightly, drama?

What I think of men (for those of you unfamiliar with my humor, these are [sorta] jokes):

They're going to stare at the girl with the huge boobs, you might as well point it out and make fun of them. I suggest REALLY stuffing your bra next time you're getting ready to go out. Unless you're dating a stiff this is going to at least get a laugh and a "Very funny."
He's going to worry his boat isn't going to float in the ocean, if you get my drift. (Wow lots of nautical terms there.) And pretending it's the Titanic is just fake.
Real is way better than fake. Always.
Most men think fake boobs are pretty to look at but would never want a set of their own. (Meaning on you.) For some reason they don't like playing with water balloons. Weird.
They WILL try and see through you to the game that's on the TV. Crying does not make this better. Trust me. Kneeing him in the crotch however works WONDERS.
Everything you cook is good enough for him to eat, despite the complaining. Another way men are like dogs. They'll eat whatever's in the bowl.
If a girl is pretty to them, that doesn't mean you have to look like her. You're pretty to him too. Stop with the plastic surgery. Like yesterday.
Men's taste in women varies like my taste in music; they can like everything from Bach to Beyonce.
They do need to feel like men. Having them open a jar even when you can open it makes them feel good. I really don't get it but I don't get to open a single jar or bottle while Will's around. It's like having a really high tech opener.
Amazingly enough men have the same emotions as women. I KNOW the hell right? Turns out they just don't have them every five seconds like we do. Amazing. Someone needs to put that in a pill, I could use it once a month.

I can come up with ten for men easy. I'd make a list for women but first off men wouldn't have a clue what I'm talking about, and I can't stay up, I have to leave for work in only 11 hours. Not nearly enough time.

Huh... I think my sarcasm is growing in my old age... lol

Good Sized Rant, Small Celebration, With a Touch of Humor

2007-11-30T20:30:00.001-08:00

So my parents are becoming the grumpy old people everyone hates living near but doesn't mind getting trapped in conversation with every now and then... Until they start to rant that is.

Listen, I love my folks. I do. I really really do. But they're a tad bit unbearable.

My mother has taken to being EXACTLY like her parents. In all the bad ways. She's taken to ranting about politics. Specifically Hilary Clinton. I don't particularly LIKE Clinton. I prefer to ignore her when at all possible. Life is more enjoyable that way. The same goes for ignoring Frist. The heart surgeon who apparently became a brain expert while studying a video of Terri Schiavo. I'm sorry but that was just stupid. I'm not fond of any political extreme. Period.

I'm not particularly anything, but if I had to go with something I'd say Republican. Although I do say it with some reluctance lately. My desire for new political blood, is VERY very strong. Call it being tired of everything eventually having the phrase "during Vietnam" come up. Or call it frustration that all I've ever known is a bickering over whether "my president can kick your president's ass!" (AKA Bush/Clinton vs Clinton/Bush.)

But my mother... god bless her... has become rather... oh... Hate filled. She's made her number one mission to prove to me that Hilary Clinton is pure evil. Now WHY I don't really know. I'm not going to vote for her, so what does it matter? I don't like her, I don't like her stances on many things. I ain't voting for her. Period. If I HAD to vote Democrat it would be someone I find a tad bit more sane and reliable.

She emailed me a clip from youtube that's apparently from some upcoming doc about Clinton. I'd heard everything in it before. "She knew evil dude that stole shit and then lied that she knew him!" Duh. She's a politician. What did you expect? Politician + Unfavorable news = Lying ass off. Doesn't take a genius to figure THAT one out. Remember! He did not inhale. (A quick thank you to Obama for admitting he did drugs. What teenagers HAVEN'T? I know three, and I'm including MYSELF in that. Otherwise everyone I KNOW did drugs at some point in their lives, though I don't think I know any that are currently doing so.)

Then she asks if I saw the video (which she so kindly emailed to me THREE times....) and I said yes but nothing in it was new to me. Then she began ranting to my father.... Ohhhh yay here we go. I went into the kitchen and spent five minutes running my hands under water until I could hear her change the subject.

Please, dear god, don't ever let me turn into that part of her. Let me be my father in that area. He's flexible and rational and moderate. He's sane. Let me inherit that gene.

Of course, I DON'T want to inherit my father's temper. He's gotten to be REALLY grumpy short tempered old man. He belongs in Minnesota. (They filmed Grumpy Old Men not far from my grandma's house for those of you who don't know.)

He actually got so pissed a while back he stormed out of the house slamming the door back into the wall. There's a hole from the doorknob we haven't yet patched.

Like I said, he's developed a temper. Which I'm not so good at ducking anymore. Something about getting older makes you less likely to take crap from your parents. Why is that? You should get older and SMARTER about these things, not more bullheaded.

Okay, there's the rant part.

Now the celebration!

Will's coming here in January. I'm so excited. I miss him so much and I love spending days just curled up on the couch with him. Plus we might be moving then, and I can put him to work packing lol Some vacation for him huh?

After that I'll be forcing myself to get my GED and find another job. I really hate working for my parents. I've had as much as I can take. The disorganization, the parental control they try and put on me when I'm doing my JOB. More than I can take anymore. And I CERTAINLY don't get paid enough. I'm hoping they can do what I do without me, but I set everything about the bookkeeping up and I don't know if they can keep it up without me. They're both awful with paperwork. ESPECIALLY my father.

But Will's going to be here for mom's birthday and that's cool to me. I'm hoping we can go bowling. (BTW does anyone know if bowling alleys carry a size 14? Will has big feet lol But they suit him! He'll never believe that when he reads this lol) But mom's been touchy about her birthday and I have no idea why. It's not any monumental birthday. It's 53. What's so awful about that one?

I think Will's going to squeeze in a job between classes when he gets back too. Something part time. Anyone know anyone in NYC hiring? lol

Besides that I'm alright. I'm doing better than my last update entry. Things have seemed to calm down in me. I'm hoping when Will's here he can help me study for my GED. He makes me feel less stupid when I ask questions.

Oh AND we're supposedly going to get a ton of snow dumped on up tomorrow. I have no idea if that's true. I'd like it to be. I want snow. I miss it.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Drop me a line and let me know who all is alive! lol

Small Rant, Small Celebration, With a Touch of Humor

2007-11-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: The Tree Man, Found Video

2007-11-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

The Tree Man

2007-11-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

I honestly didn't believe it was real when I saw a video of him. I thought it had to be some eleborate hoax video. Either way it gave me the creeps and made me shiver.

But the Tree Man, is very very real.

I'd link to the video but it's no longer there, you can probably find one on youtube though.

Tree man 'who grew roots' may be cured

Tar and Light Bulbs

2007-11-20T20:14:00.001-08:00

I want to preface this by saying I didn't really intend to write this entry. But it happened anyway. I hope it explains my silence on this blog as of late, and my perhaps lackluster entries. All I ask is for support. I've had enough advice to last me the rest of my life at this moment.

I used to think the difference between an adult and a child was the age. I realize I had that completely wrong.

What makes a woman a woman and a girl a girl? What is that defining difference? What makes someone call you a "ma'am" instead of "miss"? What is that defining thing that lays within our skin?

Is it our physical age? I don't think so. I really don't. It's the energy I think we give off. Aura if that's what you feel like calling it. Probably the simplest term to use.

I always thought I would reach an age and this magical thing would happen.

I would be an adult. A full fledged adult. But what does that mean? What does adult imply? It's so much more than just age. It's maturity, responsibility, wisdom. It's not so much that you stop doing stupid things but that you realize when you're doing it, that it's stupid, and you understand the consequences.

Of course, that's my theory. I'm not exactly an expert on adultness. I'm still not even sure what all it means.

I'll be twenty on Thanksgiving. I've always hated that. When my birthday and Thanksgiving are the same. Loved it when I was little and it happened but now? Now it's a reason for the family to ignore my birthday and excuse me but I'm rather selfish about the one day of the year we get to worship at my feet. Otherwise known as me picking dinner without contest. Same difference.

I haven't been in a really good place lately. Turning twenty is actually freaking me out more than I'd like to admit. Way more than I'd like to admit. It's only twenty. And the moment I say it's "only twenty" is when my mind starts reeling. Twenty. God.

I suppose most people are excited at my age and don't start getting these feelings until they're 25, even 30, maybe even longer.

My corner life crisis.

It really feels like one. I feel stupid now for laughing at all the people that said they were having one. I understand the gut wrenching, heart pounding, intense fear that suddenly overwhelms every sense and function. Even as I write this I feel the tension creeping up my back and tightening up my neck, like octopus tentacles.

What a stupid fear. What a stupid stupid fear. It's 20, just two decades. Every generation is living longer and longer. If I live well there's no reason I couldn't live a very long time. My great grandmother's were both 88 when they died and my grandma is now 75, soon 76, and still quite spry. More energy than most of us kids. My grandma even died once (she was badly sick, revived) and look how old she is now. She hasn't been in good health, yet she's still more alert than people ten years her junior.

Maybe I inherited those genes. That'd be nice. Mom looks good for her age too. Dad looks great for his, even though I think he's in worse health. Damn cigarettes. Damn fireplaces. Damn inhaling spray paint because he won't wear a mask. Damn.

I could live a long time. This is just the beginning. So why am I so terrified? Why is there this deep dark pit in the middle of my soul that I can't wretch out? It's like a sticky spill of tar on a light bulb, slowly oozing down and cutting out the light.

I wish the days were longer. I'm really hating it being dark so much.

Maybe I should go away for a while. I don't know where. It's not like I know anyone who'd take me for a month or so. No one that lives in the kind of place I need to be. Where it's sunny and warm and I don't see as much dead things as I feel inside.

I miss the beach. I miss the ocean. I miss sunburns. I miss sandwiches stolen by seagulls. God I haven't seen the Gulf in years... Over ten. I used to live in the water, on the sand. I never even saw snow until I was four and even then it wasn't sticking to anything. It melted as soon as it hit the ground. Now I'm covered in cold and snow.

I don't think I'm meant for this climate. It does quite a number on me.

Don't tell me I need to talk to someone, I've talked so much about this my voice nearly left me. I've cried so much. I didn't know there were that many tears inside me. I write and write and write. I try and kick up hobbies. I stay out of the house as much as I can.

But how do you get tar off your heart?

Exploding Comet

2007-11-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

Okay I thought this was cool when I read about it, but tonight I got my first chance to see it and WOW. It's amazing. You REALLY have to take a pair of binoculars and a star map and find it. It's incredible.

If you get a chance, go check it out. It's amazing.

Exploding Comet Visible to the Naked Eye (FYI you WILL need binoculars.)

"Music was my refuge...."

2007-11-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." --Maya Angelou

There are so many ways to view the soul. You can view it through a person's eyes. You can listen to it through music. You can feel it in a touch. You can smell it on their skin and you can taste it in a kiss.

Many women believe that that first kiss tells them everything they need to know about a relationship.

I think it happens even sooner. I think it happens the moment you look into each others eyes. Souls speak to each other in that moment. Sometimes it's perfect, gut wrenchingly so. So intense that deep inside you feel yourself collapse, a flaw in the wall we all hold up to keep ourselves guarded and secure comes tumbling down.

And sometimes the colors don't compliment each other. A glance and a passing and soon forgotten, if it was never even registered in the first place.

I remember the first time I saw him. The wall didn't crash down. It was vaporized.

I never understood that, I never understood what those long time married couples meant when they said, "You'll know. You'll just know they're the one."

Him. Mine. No word was ever so wonderful.

Sometimes you feel so much love inside it has to come pouring out, rushing, aching, dying, thriving, shining. Spilling out in words and touch and music. Passion. Deep seeded passion.

Being a passionate person doesn't automatically make one predisposed to believing in that ferocious love that rips you limb from limb, leaving you lying there wondering what just happened to you, in so much pain and wanting it to happen again. It's almost masochistic. I take that back, it is. But it's beautiful.

I've always been a very passionate person but I never really believed I'd love someone with that much intensity. I never thought I'd find myself thinking of them and loving them so much it brought me to tears. Not for grief or even joy, just out of the sheer pain that kind of love brings.

Music. The song that plays during your first dance, your first kiss... The unforgettable song that plays the first time you have sex? But that sounds crude. It's not sex then, at least it shouldn't be. It should be love. Making love. Much better term for a moment that ought to be full of love.

Why is music so deeply entwined with love? A song plays on the radio and I smile. I remember that kiss, standing in the rain. I was the leading lady, my arms wrapped around the leading man's neck, his hands on my waist, my foot half raised in pure movie style. That perfect kiss. Tender soft. Memorable.

Player on shuffle... That CD I bought with him, a song from it starts. I blush. I remember. I'm making breakfast, I've got that CD on. He's standing in the kitchen with me and I'm dancing, dorky, awkward, not caring. He's laughing and I'm scrambling eggs, making goofy faces.

Memories wrapped around notes and lyrics.

Music is my refuge, my scrapbook, my life's soundtrack, varied, random. But mine. All mine.

The Real Global Threat

2007-10-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about something the majority of people do not care about or have not heard of or haven't paid attention to and the small minority of us that really understand the full implications of this global disaster are terrified of.

China is void of bees.

Let me repeat.

China's bees are dead. China is approximately 3,700,000 square miles, if I did my converting right. There are NO bees in China. (ARE YOU HEARING ME??? THERE ARE NO FRIGGIN BEES IN 3,700,000 SQUARE MILES!)

Bet you didn't know that did you? Bet you had no idea that the same thing that happened there, CCD (Colony Collapse Disorder), is the exact same thing that is attacking our bee colonies here.

Let's go through a quick review of what the implications of this ARE exactly. First off, if the bees die off, which CAN happen and IS happening, that means that we'll have to HAND POLLINATE ALL VEGETABLES, FRUIT AND FLOWERS. Let me make this clear. This is taking a feather like material and going blossom to blossom dusting each one so that fruit and vegetables will be produced, so that flowers will continue to blossom. They're already doing this in China.

Without doing that and no cure for CCD, the magnitued of this is more than slightly terrifying. That means that we'll have no fruit, no vegetables. Forget fresh flowers. Forget the sweet smelling shampoos and perfumes. Forget all our luxuries.

This is a international disaster that is getting little to NO attention. This has the potential to kill off many things that also depend on bees. It impacts the diets of many animals. There are insects that need the honey bees produce to survive. We're talking about dozens of species dying out.

Take just a moment to think of all the animals that survive on fruit and vegetables alone. They will die.

This isn't something to go "oh well" about. This is possibly the worst natural global event that we could imagine but no one is noticing because nothing has changed much for us. We still can buy our tomatoes and our bananas, we still get squash, we still get cucumbers. But if this continues, we won't. Our lives are seemingly uneffected but that's not true. We WILL be effected by this if we don't stop it. And in very very serious ways.

There are things that are tragic and terrifying happening in this world. But the issues at hand, the ones that are getting the media attention, are merely pet projects of the elite in and out of this country.

Please, read about CCD, learn, understand what this means. Don't take the word of a single person, learn what this is. This will change our lives forever if it's not stopped, if a cure isn't found.

You can find more information on CCD at PBS.org and USDA Announces Colony Collapse Disorder Research Action Plan. There are many many articles about this disease online, I really suggest Googling Colony Collapse Disorder.

Unwanted

2007-10-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

I felt it the moment she looked at me. That sudden disdain, that loathing, the same look a person has when they've seen a dangerous creature, an alien, something that could strike at any moment.

It didn't matter that I was smiling, it didn't matter that I had just done something nice.

I was "that neighbor."

So that's how long it takes for someone to go from friendly and nice, to being just like everyone else on the block.

"I was wondering if you know who this dog belongs to." I smile and nod to the pretty little girl lab on the end of the leash. "I found her in our yard."

"Oh. My brothers. We're dog sitting." The cold unfriendly stare. The judging eyes going up and down my body with complete distrust.

"No problem, just didn't want her running off." I grin but it feels so fake. I can feel her eyes cutting through me like daggers of ice.

My heart sank, and I suddenly felt like I was standing naked on national TV. I was humiliated for doing the right thing.

She probably didn't mean to. I'm sure she's not that kind of person. They were nice to us when they first moved here.

But the fact is I know what our neighbors think of us, the others got to her, made her think like they do. Think of that "damned dog" we have, my misunderstood creature. Big and odd looking. My mutt. I know that the mothers and the fathers circle together (separately of course, mothers with the children, fathers with their TV and beer) and they warned them about us. I know because I've seen them gathered in the driveways. I've felt the sudden silence when I step outside. They told them nasty untrue things like they have from the beginning. The way all people talk about things they don't understand and are unwilling to get to know.

"You don't belong here."

I see it when I go to get the mail every day and the mothers suddenly fall silent and stare at me. The fathers lean in closer and whisper.

God I wish this was an exaggeration. I wish the people on my block weren't like this. But when family comes and stays they feel it too. They ask "what's wrong with your neighbors?" and "they're awfully odd to you aren't they?" and I smile and nod and that's that. Even Will mentioned it.

It's terrible living in a neighborhood were people hate you because they just don't know you. Wait, let me change that. Because they just WON'T know you. They refuse. They prefer their assumptions and their wild ideas. The plain ordinary truth is just too plain and ordinary.

I don't understand these neighbors. I don't understand most of the people up here. I hear people say "oh it just takes a while, but once you get past their shell they're the nicest people you'll ever know!" Well, I've lived here six years. I don't have a single native friend. All the friends I've had moved here from out of state.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just a strange person. Maybe they have a reason to torment my dog, to whisper behind my parents' backs, to let their dogs piss in our yard. Maybe they have a reason to say the hateful things they say when they think we can't hear them.

But I don't think it's us. It was never like this anywhere else I've ever lived. It's only here.

I can't wait to move. I want out of here so badly. I've met friendlier people on a New York subway. I'm tired of being the unwanted neighbor that the neighborhood counts the days until you leave.

Tastes Like... Chicken?

2007-10-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

You've got to be kidding me... I know writers will do anything to get in character but this is a little extreme don't ya think?

You know if you want to break up with a girl, there's a lot of better tactics.

Key Love

2007-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new pet peeve of mine.

People buying beautiful working vintage or antique typewriters and ripping off the keys to make jewelry.

It makes me physically ill.

You see, I LOVE typewriters. I've become really nuts about vintage typewriters and just bought my first one this week. Remington Rand Model 1. Beautiful working condition. She's lovely and I can't wait to get her. (Bought online, and now I have the week long wait to see my new baby which was shipped the day after purchase. Same as the model pictured here.)

But there's something truly sick to me about taking something that WORKS and ripping it apart just to make jewelry. Especially since some of the ones I've seen are worth well over $700 if the seller knows what they've got and that there are collectors out there willing to pay it.

Amazing to me how lazy people can be when it comes to researching them. It doesn't take much time and you might have a very good model on your hands worth far more than ripping off keys.

It doesn't bother me if the model is rusting, beat to hell, doesn't work, etc... But when it's functional, beautifully preserved... WHY the HELL would you rip off the keys???

People make no sense to me.

Anyway, if anyone would like to take a look into the world of typewriters, it really is fascinating.

Here are some sites I visit regularly:

The Classic Typewriter Page (He's a collector and very knowledgeable.)

MyTypewriter.com (Refurb typewriters, ribbon, etc.)

Typewriter Serial Number Database (To help date typewriters as well as find model numbers.)

It's LSD!

2007-10-04T10:45:00.002-07:00

lol One of the stupidest videos I have EVER seen lol And no LSD wasn't on there. I did that.

POS Customer

2007-10-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay. Really. I deal with horrible mean nasty bitchy customers all the time. I hate it. I do. But I swallow their shit and smile and give out the answers they want to hear.

Well. There's this list of companies where people can go to review them. I looked my parents company up. I'm pissed.

We had five comments. Three were stellar, one was half and half and the other... Oh the last one... I nearly flipped.

This is what they said about my father, which btw they got the last name WRONG which I removed anyway:

"THE COMPANY REPRESENTATIVE, NORM, WAS RUDE AND CONDESCENDING WHEN CONFRONTED ON THE FACT THAT I WAS TOLD THE PERMIT WOULD COST $100 BUT IN FACT I WAS NOT CHARGED THE PERMIT COST BUT $100 ''FLAT FEE'' AND YET ANOTHER $100 SURCHARGE! A FLAT FEE, BY DEFINITION IS A SET AMOUNT AND CANNOT BE ARBITRARILY UPPED ANOTHER $100 BECAUSE HE DECIDED HIS COSTS WERE TOO MUCH.

Okay jerk off.

A) I remember you. You were a horrible rude bitch. You hounded my father. YOU CALLED HIM ON SUNDAY AT 11PM!!!!! If he was ever RUDE it MIGHT have been because you thought you were the most important person in the world. My father is a wonderful kind man that goes out of his way to make people happy, he does everything for the customer. There's a reason we have people that continue to come back to us year after year for anything they might need. They KNOW my father will take care of them! He's a good generous man. AND HE'S THE OWNER NOT THE REPRESENTATIVE!!!!!

B) The "yet another $100 surcharge" was for EXTRA WORK ON INSTALLATION WHICH WAS EXPLAINED AT TIME OF PURCHASE!

C) $100 IS the flat fee for a permit. Because it generally costs about $75 for a permit and we charge $25 for doing it because it's a pain in the ass to get one. If you wanted to do it yourself YOU COULD HAVE!

"ADDITIONALLY, THE REMOTE THEY INSTALLED STARTED BEEPING CONSTANTLY WITHIN A WEEK OF INSTALLATION. I WAS SO TRAUMATIZED BY DEALING WITH CHARACTERS THAT I TURNED IT OFF ENTIRELY RATHER THAN HAVE TO TALK TO THEM AGAIN."

A) That means that the batteries are going dead. Replace them. Idiot.

B) THAT traumatizes you??? No wonder you were a nightmare to deal with.

"BUT IT IS NOW WINTER AND I NEED IT TO WORK. WHAT I WANT IS 1. THE $100 EXTRA FEE RETURNED TO ME AND 2. THE REMOTE FIXED OR A FULL REFUND AND AN APOLOGY FROM THIS COMPANY. "

A) No way in hell will we work with you again.

B) No and no.

C) Apology? Okay. Fuck off. Better?

Now that's out of my system...

It's nice being back home and I can't wait to get the stack of paperwork in front of me done. Nice to come back and have something to do.

And now everyone knows why not to piss me off lol

Onslaught

2007-10-03T14:35:00.001-07:00

I don't think I need to comment, I'm pretty sure my readers know how I think at this point :o)

I'm Alive!!!!

2007-09-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone this is actually the first time I've had a chance to be on the computer. Things have been busy here, wonderfully so. I'm really loving it.

I've been helping Will get settled in and I have to say it looks a LITTLE less like a single guy lives here lol Which I think he appreciates.

Flight here was perfect. Literally. Not one thing went wrong. Except I think something containing beer busted open on one of my suitcases. Not that it matters, cheap suitcase and didn't get inside at all.

I'll fill in the trip details when I get back, but I wanted everyone to know everything has been just wonderful. Really truly perfect.

Have I mentioned I'm in love? :o)

Last Post

2007-09-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Last post before I leave.

Mom and dad are in Vegas right now and I have to admit I really really hate being home alone. I get so paranoid at night, everything makes me jump. I just had the windows open and a door slammed after getting caught by the breeze. That did NOT help lol I jumped about a foot out of my chair.

I'm anxious as hell too. I leave Tue morning and mom and dad get back Mon night. So yeah, I'm stressed about getting everything taken care of. I have to fix one of my blouses, do a ton of laundry, vacuum, get my room clean and the bed put back together after I wash the sheets. And I have to pack. I need to make a list of everything I need.

I started to throw things in one of my bags Fri. I'm just tossing things in as I remember but I KNOW I'll forget something. It's just the way I am.

Oh and did I mention my flight is at 7am and I'll have to be up at 3am?

Hehe... yeah... I'm only MILDY stressed.

I, obviously, am kidding. I'm extremely stressed.

Being gone two weeks I really have to make sure I've brought all the stuff I use regularly. The chance of me forgetting something obvious, like oh, my makeup lol Well there's a really good chance.

UGH I just remembered ANOTHER thing I forgot.

Dear lord, gimme a little break here okay? I really need to relax.

There's this big knot in the middle of my stomach, full of fear and anxieties of everything that could go wrong, or just the little things I'm going to forget. I even have that nervous shiver when I think about it.

Just nervous about so many things. There's such a time crunch on me right now.

I can't wait to see him, but the trip itself is making me a wreck.

I'll write when I get there!

Strapless Lilyette: The Bra from God

2007-09-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ladies... I present the best bra I have ever, in my life, had. I just had to review it and share the knowledge.

Strapless, check.

Works under any color clothing and any pattern, check.

Stays in place, double super check.

COMFORTABLE, major omg it's a thing of beauty check.

Seamless under lightweight tshirt fabric, check.

I have had trouble finding good bras all my life, every size I've ever been. And I bought my first bra when I was eight years old. Buying a bra is NOT easy. Or fun. Something gets pinched, squished, shoved, or something is just so loose you don't know how it fits anyone.

Basically, something isn't right with 99.999% of all bras.

But this... This bra, is a godsend.

The cups are a nice natural shape, lightly padded, not a push up. The heavy elastic bands are comfortable, even if it takes a little while to get used to wiggling into. The fabric is soft, the nude color is very natural under clothing. The optional straps are coated metal from what I can tell anyway. Heavy fabric around the underwires, meaning it's going to take a while if it EVER wears through. And the wide back strap is super comfy and keeps the bra in place, and gives the same support as a bra with straps. But if you really need it, the optional straps are VERY comfortable.

I bought mine at Kohls for about $21, but if you want to get one cheaper I've seen them on ebay too for much less, even with the shipping charges.

Seriously, ladies, this bra is a must.

Lilyette Strapless Bra

Random Thoughts on Love and Music

2007-09-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

"Pains of love be sweeter far than all other pleasures are"
--John Dryden

Something I don't think people understand about me is my views on love and sex and devotion. My views are highly passionate. I'm a really passionate person. Ask anyone that's pissed me off lol

I don't think love is perfect, in fact I have a rather dark view of love. No pink flowers and hearts with this girl. Nope. I think the most romantic color is black.

I think trust between two people is defined by boundaries that are extremely deep and intense. Being able to trust someone completely, with every inch of your heart and soul and body is the ultimate devotion. Being able to turn over complete control is something that I think truly defines love. Trusting someone to the point of it being reckless.

Basically, using the most overused phrase of all time: Love hurts.

"It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness and of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, and everlasting beauty of monotony."
--Benjamin Britten

Music is love to me. Painful and beautiful and sometimes just so horrible you can't even bare to experience it. It captivates, it stimulates, it teaches, it touches our souls.

We are born as humans to sing just as we're born to love. We're made for both. They even did a study on the effects of singing on a person's well being. People who sang we're happier and healthier AFTER they began singing more often. Singing is good for the soul. Unless you can't sing, then just sing to yourself. With the radio turned up. Loud.

Love is just as complicated as music. One little thing goes wrong, everyone hears it. It's obvious to those involved.

A beautiful song is just as painful as heartache. That's what makes it so good.

Just some random thoughts...

Not Enough Tears

2007-09-05T23:17:00.001-07:00

Just as I'm about to go to bed, I catch this headline: Opera Superstar Luciano Pavarotti Dies

I immediately started crying. I truly truly adored this man.

There's just no words... I'm glad your suffering is over, but I know I'm not alone in saying this world will miss your beautiful voice and your brilliant soul.

I don't have enough tears. Rest in peace you wonderful dear man...

Lil of Everything

2007-09-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

It slapped me in the face. A headline on the Star Tribune my mother bought.

"Bohemia is gone, sleek and polished is in"

Nooooooo!

Do you realize what this means? My favorite style in the whole wide world is going to be impossible to find! I knew this year was going to be bad... I knew it... First bubble skirts, now this... I'm going to have one hell of a time finding clothing I like. Damn.

On another note lol Will's almost in NY, he just text me saying he can see Manhattan, so like ten minutes more. And idk if he'll take a cab or not, so I can't say how long until he gets home. He took the train from NC, so he left about 7am. He's going to be tired but this has got to be easier on him because of the leg room.

We took Tiger to the vet today. Some good news some bad. Good news is they don't think we need to jump to putting him down because he's still very alert. Bad news is, we had both vets in there with us (they love Tigger), and they both said we need to think about it.

To fill in some gaps, he hadn't eaten in four days and is skinny as a rail. Dr B got him to eat some though and sent us home with the same food he got Tigger to eat, and I got Tig to eat more when we got home. THAT was a huge relief.

I can't say I'm not scared we'll have to put him down, I am, very, he's my baby. But he's 12 yrs old and not in peak condition. I know when it's past trying to make a cat better, and when it's just pure selfishness. If he can't life comfortably, I shouldn't be doing everything in my power to make him live miserably. Sometimes I wonder why people can't think that way when it comes to sick humans too. Having a grandfather die of cancer and my other grandpa die very slowly from complications from removing a brain tumor that was benign (and wasn't causing ANY issues), I really have to wonder sometimes, how we can be so selfish in keeping people terminally ill alive so long.

But anyway...

I'm SO excited about NY. I really can't tell you. It's finally kicking in with me and I'm going nuts lol I wanna hurry up and go and at the same time I'm wanting to completely savor this. The trips go by way too fast.

So how's everyone doing? Plans for Labor Day etc?

Oh btw... Today my aunt Carol called. It was 106 today there. Hehe... So glad I'm not her. Then she laughed when I said that and said "Wait until it's 30 below this winter and I'm in the 70s, see who wants to be where then" lol I laughed. Because she's not really right for one thing, I'm actually pretty used to the instant death cold lol Doesn't make me hate it less though. I sometimes think I should litter train Biscuit...

Anyone know how to litter train a 90lb dog? I was thinking of using a kiddie pool...

Girls With Boobs

2007-08-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ha, NOW the men read my blog... Thanks gentlemen, now I know what to write about lol (I shall let my regular male readers comment on this post without scrutiny... the rest of you... leave now or forever part with your favorite part...)

It wasn't until the last couple of years that I realized JUST how hard it is to find clothing... If you have boobs that is.

See the thing is, this nineteen year old has a pretty nice shape. Damn proud of the fact I'm not skinny but I've got a nicely defined waist lol

But this is about my boobs. The thing that turns every shirt and blouse into a straight jacket. Seriously.

Lately finding shirts that properly fit has become an out and out nightmare. Plus size clothing is way too big around my waist, large and extra-large doesn't fit my boobs. I'm screwed. I'm in some awkward weight clothing boobage limbo.

I'm getting the Karen Walker syndrome. (Not the designer folks.) The Karen Walker syndrome, or KWOCS (Karen Walker Obvious Cleavage Syndrome), is characterized by the tightening of the shirt around the bust line to the point of developing a PH level of 4 or higher, 1 being modest and unnoticeable, 10 being "that shirt is three sizes too small." (PH: Peep hole; being that nasty gap that happens in button up shirts when it's too tight over the bust line.) My mom and I invented this for our equal love of Karen Walker and our equal dislike in her fashion sense.

KWOCS is killing my closet.

Call me weird, strange, or just old fashioned, but I know my measurements perfectly. (No, you hopeful perverted males, I'm not telling you.) And I do a lot of online shopping. It's like Christmas every day! Okay not really, I don't shop THAT often. But anyway, I've looked a lot at clothing lately, trying to find shops that carry a lot of stuff I like so I can get combined shipping. Actually turns out cheaper than driving to the store, if they provide good measurements anyway.

Tonight I was browsing tops, which I do when I'm bored. I'm so stereotypically female when it comes to shopping it's almost painful. And I was realizing that almost everything didn't match me. Two out of the three measurements would be perfect, then the third would be wildly off.

Why is it that having boobage is such a curse? I mean, since the beginning of time women have been taught by men that boobs aren't just great, they're pretty much everything. Whether they MEAN to make it sound that way or not doesn't matter. The emphasis is always on the boobs. And ass. I'll give the ass it's fair share of fame. So here I am, with boobs, and I can't find a frigging shirt? Huh? Excuse me? Is something SLIGHTLY screwed up here?

But... I think I figured out the master plan... The secret convention that took place with all males... It went something like this... (Prepare for stupidity.)

"So, yet again this year it's voted that breasts are the most attractive body part. Agreed?"

[Bunch of positive hooting and hollering, few grumbles from the ass crowd]

"Alright, now moving on to the next issue... How do we make women expose this part of their body? For suggestions I think we should turn to the dept in charge of women's fashion, Supposedly Straight Males... What do you gentlemen suggest?"

"Plastic clothing! I think I can get Paris Hilton to wear this top I just invented..."

"I beg to differ, Chairman, we tried plastic lingerie, it's now reserved for exotic dancers. As lovely as that is, we haven't achieved the desired results."

[Squirrley little guy raises his hand]

"Yes, you?"

"Erm... What if we make it impossible for them to get clothing?"

"Excuse me? How would you propose that?"

"Um... just make sure nothing fits by creating impossible perfect bodies."

"Forgive me but how does that solve our issue?"

[Squirrely guy snickers slightly, then continues sarcastically]

"Well, sir, eventually women will be so fed up trying to find clothing that properly fits, they'll give up, and go topless at least."

"Dear god man... that's brilliant!"

[Squirrely guy's jaw drops in complete surprise]

"Seriously, sir?"

"Yes! Supposedly Straight Males, get on it right away!"

"Yes, sir!"

Then man said, "Let there be unflattering clothing." And then men created fashion. The catwalk produced stick figures: clothing of straight impossible preportions and it was good. And man saw that it was good.

And woman was in painful shoes and tasteless clothing. Woman was frustrated but continued to wear the fashion man created. Then man created dominatrix shoes, and woman said "Oh fuck you." Man was sad, and it was good.

I was just looking for an excuse to post a picture of those shoes lol

Finishing this a day later and still no more in tune with wtf this entry is about. But after rigorous searching for a plunge halter bra that FITS so I can wear this lovely new blouse I got, I decided, this post must be posted. For frustrated females everywhere.

Yeah, this post makes no sense. That's what happens when I have a computer and I'm up at 2am writing. Deal or don't read it lol

November 22nd

2007-08-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

I got this from Kristen's blog.

Instructions: Go type in your birthday in Wikipedia (month and day). Write down three events, two births, and one holiday. Then, tag 5 friends.

Events (NO JFK assassination!!!):

1. 1718 - Off the coast of North Carolina, British pirate Edward Teach (best known as "Blackbeard") was killed in battle with a boarding party led by Lieutenant Robert Maynard. (It's Blackbeard, hello, cool lol)

2. 1880 - Vaudeville actress Lillian Russell made her debut at Tony Pastor's Theatre in New York City. (She did some pretty cool things. Interesting woman.)

3. 1922 - Egyptology: Howard Carter, assisted by Lord Carnarvon, opened the tomb of Tutankhamun. (I absolutely completely totally love Egyptology, and this, is one of my favorite events, absolutely fascinating to me.)

Births:

1.1924 - Geraldine Page, American actress (d. 1987) (Interesting because she was born the same day as me and died the same year I was born.)

2. 1899 - Hoagy Carmichael, American composer (d. 1981) (He wrote "Stardust" for goodness sake lol)

Holiday:

1. R.C. Saints - Feast of Saint Cecilia (Music is a huge part of my heart and soul.)

So there it is, all my favorite info lol

For people I tag, of course, anyone that would like to do it (Lots of fun actually lol)

Mom

2007-08-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

You know, I've always had a pretty good relationship with my mom. We fight, but it isn't often bad.

The last year or so... It's gotten impossible to be around her sometimes. I think it's menopause, dad thinks she's turning into my grandpa (which is highly likely), and my grandma and aunt both think she's in denial about lots of things. You know what they say, it's more than a river in Egypt.

Today I was trying (emphasis on the trying part) to talk to mom about some political issues. Instead of listening to what I was trying to tell her she immediately started talking, angrily, loud, over me. I got frustrated and told her to just please listen, to stop jumping all over me.

She just got angrier and started yelling more.

I said, frustrated, "God mom just quit it!"

And she shot back in the most angry vicious voice, "I won't fucking quit it, I'm fifty-two fucking years old I'll say whatever the fuck I want!"

Note, this is the woman that flinched when she said damn around me when I was little.

Right now I've got this knot in my gut like I want to cry. She has no idea how much she hurts me when she gets so angry. She has no idea how much she sounds like her father and I sound like her when they'd get into fights. (She'd always end up in tears; funny, now I'm the one always in tears.) She's really turning into him, and as much as I loved my grandpa, that's not good.

All I want right now is to talk to daddy, I need to cry. I need someone that understands exactly how angry she's become, exactly how hard it is to talk to her about anything anymore.

Hell, even when I'm agreeing with her I'm not agreeing the right way.

I am so lost. I have no idea what to do and it's killing me. My mom has been my best friend all my life. And now, I'm grown, I have my own ideas and opinions, just like she wanted. Except she didn't plan on my ideas and opinions actually being completely mine. She argues that's not true but her actions speak so much louder than that.

If she ever found out I wrote about this she'd probably disown me for talking about her like this. Amazing that as much as she loves me, she's more than willing to hurt me as bad as she possibly can.

Haven't said this since I was a little girl but... I want my daddy...

Moving Day

2007-08-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Will and his father left for NC today. He just text me, they aren't even out of NY yet so it's going to be a very long day.

I have to admit I'm anxious and worried. It's a very long trip. Sassie, Will's cat, hasn't made a move like that before and I know it's going to put a lot of stress on her.

Just going to sit and wait until I know they're at Helen's (Will's mother) apartment. Will's going to be there until Sep 1st, then he'll be taking the train back. It's a long trip that way but I think it'll be really interesting too. He's never made road trips like that, and there's nothing like travelling that way. You don't get to really experience anything when you're on a plane.

Anyway, I'm really glad Mike and Helen will be back together. It's been so hard on them being apart. Married almost 40 years and this was the first time they've really been apart.

I'm still worrying about Will too... I'm not sure he understands just how hard it's going to be living there all alone. I know how much he treasures being alone, but it's a lot of time alone. We talked about getting him some goldfish, I don't think it's good for people to live completely alone. Having plants, animals, keeps people happy I think.

But we'll see when I get there. I'm really glad I'm getting to go. I think it'll help Will adjust too. I'll be there two weeks, then late Oct Mike has to come back for a Dr visit, and then Will might be going to NC for Thanksgiving and if not he'll definitely be there for Christmas, and we're talking about him coming here after New Years too. So. It's not like he'll be alone all that much...

Can't tell I'm really fretting can you? lol

Well, I'm going to go watch a movie or something. Just make the time pass faster.

Oh and they should be getting there around 3am, if anyone is wondering. Well wishes and prayers, very much welcome.

Whistling Puppy

2007-08-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Whistling Puppy

Add to My Profile | More Videos

This puppy made my heart absolutely melt. This is why I want a new kitten lol Baby animals bring so much joy.

Decency and Common Sense

2007-08-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have a really high tolerance for offensive behavior. I really do. I'm fairly offensive myself so I suppose it comes naturally.

But... Here's the deal. Offensive level on the world seems to be going up. I'm not okay with that. I DO believe there is a certain level of decency and personally responsibility that has to be maintained in order for the world to not completely, you know, fall apart into sex drugs and rock and roll. Okay, rap is more foul than rock now but you get my point.

I was watching Last Comic Standing tonight and I generally like the show. Sometimes I think they go too far but a lot of people find that funny. What ya gonna do? So I'm sitting here watching this and Lavell Crawford comes on. I'm kinda happy to see what he's doing because I've thought he's been fairly so far...

Then he starts.

Let's just say my living room was dead silent.

I can take racist jokes, but I can't take the blatant lack of respect for human beings.

Racist jokes can be really funny, let's face it, we've ALL laughed at them. Anyone who says different is not only probably a closet racist, but is probably an arrogant "I'm not a racist, I know a person of color" jerk. But these, were flat out not funny. They were mean, they were crude, they were blatantly showing that this man didn't like a whole lot of people and held a lot of prejudice.

This is coming from someone that likes Carlos Mencia folks.

This episode just fired me up. It got me on a mental tirade. I read way too many offensive and flat out cruel things today.

Such as this article about Jenna Bush being pregnant. (Don't even ask how I ran across such gossip trash. It was not on purpose.) First, no one's business, SHE'S not president, SHE may not even agree with her father on things. My god, she may even think for herself! The shame of it! But what also offended me is the question, "Is Jenna Bush pregnant or just really fat?" A, willing to bet she's just more comfortable in non-skin tight clothing. I know I am. B, when the HELL did that become fat? Am I REALLY blind, or is that girl... average? Jeez, if SHE'S fat I'm a whale.

And to add in another point on this subject, what's with the commenters? Just because you don't have a face or a name you have enough balls to say shit like that about a person? Wow, who's calling who trash?

Listen, I really don't care if you like the Bush family, I don't. But saying shit like that about people is just wrong. Just like as much as I may hate certain celebrities/politicians (kinda the same thing now) I don't go around plastering my hate for them everywhere. I say my opinions to friends and family and that's it. I won't go slandering people.

See, folks, that's called decency. I know some of you anon pricks out there don't know what that is, but don't worry. It requires more thought than you're capable of.

Then, oh yes, there's a then. Then I read a story about Nicole Richie. Oooh yay what now...

Oh she MIGHT be engaged. Wow. She's PREGNANT and she MIGHT be engaged. Huh. Cool...?

See, I just don't get this. Here's a woman that obviously has some issues (read: waif thin) and the comments on this are vicious.

Did I miss something???

A pregnant woman is getting married, trying to get some stability in her life, and that's... BAD???

Oh wow. I'm really glad my grandpa didn't live long enough to see the world like this. He'd have gone postal.

The moral thing to do, I would think, when you're pregnant, daddy-to-be is around, you're in love, would, call me crazy, be to get married and give the baby a mother AND father.

Call me old fashioned.

If you thought I was done, you're wrong.

Then yesterday when sitting in the office getting ready to meet up with our realtor, Jim, an employee of my parents, is on the computer.

And I hear it.

Obama Girl.

My heckles go up.

Really, I could care less about Obama. Really. I think he's shot himself in the foot so many times he's not going to get the nomination, but that's my opinion. I could be dead wrong and that's fine.

But Obama Girl... Now, I hate Obama Girl.

I know a lot of you will disagree with me on this but I'd like you to open your mind for a minute and really think about what this kind of political commercialization is doing to our elections, our politicians, our entire political structure.

Without hesitation I would call Obama Girl an insult and demeaning to our political structure. No less to women.

I can't tell you just how much I love being portrayed as weak kneed and thoughtless swooning voter. I mean, it's just so warm and fuzzy. Like a rabid wolf.

But the point of Obama Girl is to tap into pop culture. Okay, so Obama didn't have anything to do with it, but the people that did it, they shouldn't have. Flat out shouldn't have.

Our elections are the thing that defines our country, the power of the people. The beauty in that is awe inspiring to me. Our elections should not be made a mockery of. Now Obama isn't a political candidate, he's a pop icon. I find that offensive.

We shouldn't, none of us, be voting for someone because he "looks nice" or (as Will so often points out) because "I can drink a beer with him." Nor should it be based on charm and pop savvy. Our elections should be based on brains, the power of a person's nature, experience in leading roles, the ability to be articulate and graceful when meeting foreign leaders. Obviously that's asking a lot but someone that meets at least experience and brains would be refreshing. Been a while since we had someone that really met those. (Warning now, I don't want any Clinton/Bush hater comments. That's not what this blog is for. Go find a forum someplace else to do that.)

No need to tell you how I felt when I heard about Guiliani Girl...

I just see this complete lack of decency lately that's making me slightly nuts. I know that an ideal society isn't possible. But is common sense, common decency, is that really so much to ask for?

I grew up being one of the most hated people in America. I grew up being called a bitch, a slut, a theif, a liar, and some things I wouldn't even write in here, all before the age of eight. I was propositioned for sex before I was ten, I had men grab and try their damnedest to molest me. Women too. I knew women who were raped. I knew junkies. I knew drunks. I knew dealers. I knew pregnant teenagers. I knew run aways. I knew people of all races and creeds. I knew soccer moms. I knew grade A students. I knew professors. I knew teachers. I knew homeless. I knew fathers. I knew widows, I knew widowers. I knew church ladies, and goths. I knew the upside and downside of every kind of life out there.

I saw people shot. I saw people stabbed. I saw my dad jump in the middle of teenage boys with guns and knives trying to kill each other. I saw him punch a drunk because he was trying to steal out of our joints. (Joints = games) I saw a boy crying from a man molesting him behind the joint I was working, and I knew the man that did it. I saw him get arrested. And I saw there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I went to VBS (vacation Bible school) in more than five cities. I saw a woman laying on the ground in a pool of her own vomit with a black eye. I've hidden from police because I was working in my parents OWN joint and they wanted an excuse to arrest as many carnies as they could. I've called 911 more times than I would count. And had no one respond. I knew how to shoot a gun when I was seven because my parents were scared someone would break into the house and hurt me.

My life was not pure.

I was blessed for that. I got to see every form of life out there. I got to see the world without blinders on.

It was a gift.

And despite all that, my childhood was wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I understand things that people live their whole lives without knowing. If I went through a list of all the places and beautiful things I experienced because of how I grew up, I doubt most of the people I know could match a handful of those things.

So when I say that I see a lack of decency, I think it's time people take a real close look at what they're willing to accept now. Maybe "well it's just" isn't something we need any more.

I've been a big fan of "if you don't like it, turn it off" but... I'm starting to think, I was hopelessly wrong.

"Women in Film" Video

2007-08-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

Absolutely incredible. Found it on this guy's myspace. It's so beautiful, almost eerily so.

Most Pathetic of eBay

2007-08-20T12:38:00.001-07:00

I really have seen some sad and weird crap on eBay but this, completely takes the cake lol

Hair Cut

So That's What Happens... (11,000???)

2007-08-19T18:20:00.001-07:00

Huh... So THAT'S why men want to buy us jewelry... It's all suddenly clear...

Found this when I was checking my webmail lol I had a good laugh at it. Click on it to see it larger.

BTW, four more posts and it'll be my 300th! Woo hoo!

Just noticed, over 11,000 visits since this began! Thanks to all my readers!

I'm Fallin'

2007-08-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

"Every time I'm fallin' down, all alone I fall to pieces..."

One of my favorite songs of all time. It strikes such a deep cord in me. I suppose it's because I'm the kind of person that breaks very easily. I've gotten pretty good at hiding exactly how fragile I am, but that never changes how deeply I hurt.

I'll admit, I hurt people. Sometimes very purposefully. Sometimes, it's intentional. It's a rebellion sort of thing, revenge, lashing out. Sometimes it's manipulation. Sometimes though... It's just me making a mistake.

I hate being out of control. Be it my emotions, my body, anything. I hate doing things then. I can't stand to lose control of myself. Probably why I've never tried drinking or drugs. I feel weak when I do lose control, completely exposed. It makes it all the worse, when that loss, hurts someone I care about. And believe it or not, those are the times I hate most.

Usually, I'd rather throw myself under a bus than hurt someone, even a stranger. I'm weak and emotional and empathetic to the point of being plain stupid. I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to keep someone from being hurt. I'm rather an idiot about it sometimes.

And that's when the trouble starts. I get so concerned about making sure everyone's okay that I forget to take care of myself, that I forget this person isn't good for me, that they're bringing me down with them, that I can save them, I can help them, I can heal them.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not as important to other people, as people may be to me. This subject has come up a lot for me over the last few days, which is why I'm writing it.

Lemme tell you... This wonderfully naive compulsion of mine has ruined my life in more ways than I'd ever let on.

I give myself away so easily. I put my heart into someone without a second thought. What's so strange about that is that I know whoever I'm idiotically trusting at the moment, is going to hurt me. No one ever cares about me as much as I care about them.

Ever. Period.

There are a handful of people I know right now that I would say would literally drop everything to help me, that are real friends. And by handful I mean maybe five.

The thing is, time after time, I think a person will be there for me and they aren't. Time after time, I look to them for help, for advice, god, for just a hug. And they aren't there, they scurry from me like I have the plague.

This is why Will was such a blessing for me. A person that loves me as much as I love him, who would literally walk through fire to get to me. I know what he'd do for me, because I know what he's done for me. He knows my flaws, he knows how badly I can act, how cruel I can be, how absolutely thoughtless I'm capable of being. And he forgives me, over and over. No matter how many times I hurt him, he loves me, completely, unconditionally.

I've done things that he should never have forgiven me fore, things that I'm still having a hard time with. But he loves me, he forgives me, he takes all of my screwed up parts and accepts me. He even tries to help me heal.

Blogging is a relief for me. I can be honest and open and throw myself out there and not worry about getting hurt. Someone leaves a nasty comment? Delete. It's just that easy. It's just so easy to let the bad stuff go on here... Right?

Not really. Words hurt me. More than anything else actually. I can stand being slapped, I can stand being called idiotic foul names. But when someone says something, intending to hurt me. I hurt. Deeply.

Something I've realized about myself since my whole cyber life started is this:

I really put too much value in what people think.
I really generally think people are good.
I really do develop deep emotional attachments that aren't returned.
I really do care about people.
I can be really naive.
I'm a sucker for a really screwed up headcase.
I do think I can fix people, even when I logically know I can't.
It's way too easy to hurt people when you don't have to look them in the eyes.
I can be a coward.
I'm an idiot.

Okay, so maybe those aren't all 100% of the time cases, but some of the time, every single one of those is true.

And you know what I have to say to me?

God Lily, just get over it.

Omg Funniest Post in History

2007-08-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

Just go. Just please go. I haven't laughed that had at anything in months. Maybe years. I had tears streaming down my face it hurt so bad to laugh lol

Funniest Post in the History of Time

Tonight's Feature Presentation...

2007-08-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the title, I've gone slightly movie crazed lately lol

I THINK I finally have the home computer fixed but if I disappear again, you know why. A hidden virus has come back to light.

Okay so. On to news. First being, my aunt and uncle's party. Went pretty smooth accept that not even half of the expected people showed up. Kinda pissed me off, I mean this is the last time anyone will get to see them until December and no one bothers to show? Kind of inconsiderate don't ya think?

We ended up with a ton of leftovers lol My grandma and my cousins took a lot of the food home with them, but we ended up taking a lot home anyway. No idea why we always end up making so much food. Seems so silly to waste time and money making all that food no one really eats.

When we left mom cried a lot. Funny thing was she was the only one that cried. To me it's not that big of a deal, I mean generally the next time we see them is Thanksgiving, well, this time it's Christmas. (They're coming back for Martha's graduation, Dec 23rd, she will "finally" [her word] be out of nursing school lol)

Yesterday mom was close to unbearable. She was snappy and negative and mean all day. I told her to just quit it, ever since she got home she was acting like Eeyore. I didn't say it mad or anything, I said it like I was just tired of the attitude and wanted her to start acting like herself. She then refused to talk to me for almost an hour. I had to go upstairs and call dad, I asked him where the hell he was I was dying here. He then relayed to me that she'd been like this all day. Ooooh joy. Anyway after dad got home she seemed to calm down. I don't know, I guess I just irritate her sometimes. The two weeks in NYC is going to be such a relief lol

We got a visit from the police department, serving foreclosure papers (not to us, we just had to be notified). Apparently Mike P. has about 30 houses total being foreclosed on. (I ought to put in his last name seeing how many people he's screwed over but I won't.) Anyway, we've gotten a release of contract for the contract for deed (like rent to own), and we're searching the market for the "perfect" house. Probably won't find it but something good would be nice lol We pay rent to Mike until we move out that's all. House is up for auction Sep 11th, and we have six months from that date to move out. So we're going to be okay. According to the lawyer anyway.

And now... About NYC.

Will's dad, Mike, is moving out Aug 26th. So Will's going to be in NC from the 26th to the 1st. His classes start back up on the 4th or 5th, I forget. And my parents are going to be gone Sep 14th-18th, I hope. If anyone knows how to get some really (and I mean really) cheap tickets to Vegas, they could use them. So far everything's too expensive, but they have a free hotel stay for then so I really want to find tickets. They need this.

Anywayyyy...

I booked my ticket last week, I'll be leaving Sep 18th at 7:00am from MSP and arrive at JFK at 10:35am lol I'm extremely excited. I don't even want to say when I'm coming back because quite frankly, I don't wanna lol But I will. Bah.

Could never let my parents hear my say that, they'd have a heart attack lol

What gets me is this... Here, I've been talking about this for months. I talked about it back when Will was here last. I asked my dad "is it ok if I miss your birthday, can we make up for it when I get back?" It's quite obvious what's going on, that I'm planning a trip, that everyone (including my very forgetful grandma) knows that I'm planning on leaving for New York in Sep.

I book the ticket after asking mom if she's ok taking me to the airport that early.

Everything goes perfectly, cept I don't have my credit card lol Left it at home. So I get home and walk Will through making the reservation for me. He did it perfectly. Even the seat I wanted.

We go to Rochester for mom's annual Mayo visit. I'm in a rush so I forget to mention it to dad. We're running late and there's supposed to be some storms. After last year's experience mom wants to be there well before any storms lol (We ended up following the massive storm last year from the TC to Rochester. Pitch black, strove lightning, pelting, can't-see-two-feet-ahead-rain lol Scariest storm I can ever remember being in.)

Well we get home the next day and the conversation goes like this:

Me(with a huge smile): "Oh! I forgot to tell you! I got the ticket booked yesterday!"

Dad(look of confusion): "Ticket? Ticket where?"

Me: "To New York of course" (insert nervous laugh)

Dad(looks completely stunned): "You're not going to New York."

Me(shocked and hurt): "Daddy... I've been talking about this for months..."

Mom(raised eyebrows): "Norm... She has been. She's talked to you about this."

Dad(looking lost still): "Oh... okay..."

Me(verge of tears): "Daddy, don't you remember me asking if it was okay? I didn't want to miss your birthday?"

Dad(slightly remembering): "Oh, right... Yeah, right..."

I felt like shit. Here I was so excited, so happy, I had done this all by myself, I was paying for everything with my own money, I didn't have to ask for any help (cept for a ride to MSP Int'l), and dad didn't even remember me ever bringing it up.

It's really starting to worry me and mom. His memory has gotten so bad. The other day I said a phrase that dad taught me, he's said all his life, mom even learned it from him back when they were dating and he looked at me, totally blank, and said "What does that mean?"

Mom and I both froze and stared at him, trying to figure out if he was kidding. He looked between us and said, almost angry, "I'm serious! I have no clue what that means!" Mom and I kinda laughed and then after seeing his face realized he was dead serious. He didn't remember it at all. I asked him again the other day if he remembered it, if it just happened to be that day, but no, he still didn't remember saying it.

I mean I have no clue what to do. This is the guy that refuses to go to a Dr even though he needs glasses really bad, even though he has high blood pressure, even though he has joint problems that interfere with life a lot of the time. How can we get him to go to a Dr for memory problems?

It's really scary. I mean, even my mom forgets stuff she said, etc, but not like dad. Not at all like dad. He's gotten a lot worse. And I know how much people are into jumping on the Alzheimer train, but I know there are a lot of things that could be causing this too. He can go all day without eating then decides that all he needs to eat for dinner is tuna salad and cheese, or twinkies. He smokes, he's under a lot of stress, he barely sleeps and when he does sleep, it's with the TV on, which as study after study will tell you, keeps the brain wide awake all night long. He's exhausted all the time, he doesn't take care of himself, and when he says he'll try, he never does.

Part of this is scary for the simple fact that I know if mom dies before dad, god forbid, dad would fall apart completely. I'd probably lose him within a year of her. And mom keeps insisting because she's a diabetic she's going to die first, but if you look at the two, she's in much better health. I hate thinking like that but my parents are in their mid-fifties, neither in great health. I have to think about it. I have to prepare for it. My father could have a heart attack any day, the way he's living.

I know that this may sound silly to some, but all I want, is for them to live long enough my children will know and remember them. I don't remember either of grandpas really well. My grandpa Clyde I don't remember at all. My grandpa Don I remember better but I wouldn't say I knew him. My grandma Barbara I'd just gotten to know when they Drs screwed up her medication and killed her.

Ugh, I hate thinking this much.

Okay time to be all happy happy lol

I'm going to New York! Will and I will have been together for three years Sep 1st! Wooo! This is great! lol

Just a bit longer and we'll be looking for a place here for us. I can't wait :o)

Update

2007-08-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Aunt Carol and John are having their going away part Sunday, we're moving REALLY soon, the guy that owns our house is being foreclosed on (doesn't affect us really, don't worry, we've talked to a lawyer), and I'm leaving for NYC Sep 18th to be back on Oct 2nd!

Details when I get access to a comp again, promise!

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

2007-08-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

This is Will, hacking into Lily's account, to tell everyone, since you all care as much about her as I do, that she and her family are safe following the I-35W bridge collapse into the Mississippi River during the evening rush hour in Minneapolis. Lily and her folks were nowhere near the scene at that time. The collapse happened on I-35W over the river and is next to University Avenue, the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities campus, and the Metrodome.

The latest reports are that six people have been killed as a result of the bridge collapse, which sent vehicles into the river and crushed everything on a couple of roads passing underneath the bridge by the river. Luckily, given that it was rush hour, the casualties seem to be rather light (for this kind of catastrophe), but still, if there's anyone here that knows someone in the Twin Cities area or happened to be passing through this evening, please make sure they're alright.

All prayers and well wishes for the victims of the bridge collapse are certainly more than welcome. Those in the Twin Cities area can also donate blood: here is the information.

So, thankfully all is well here and with my peoples in Minnesota.

-Will

Spider Pig, Spider Pig...

2007-07-20T13:48:00.001-07:00

Okay I'm in a REALLY goofy mood today lol No idea why. I'm at work and dad and I have been singing "spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does" from the Simpsons trailer lol Don't ask me why, it's just stuck in our heads... and we got it stuck in mom's head. So there's the explanation for the title lol

Going to give my opinion on some movies real quick.

Firstly, I LOVE Die Hard movies. So insanely ungirly of me I know. But I love them. And I love the knew one. Probably helped that I'm so nerdy and the computer crap I found really cool lol But I did like it. And you know, he like blew stuff up which is always appealing to the male side of my brain that loves that kind of thing. I thought it was really fun. If you're expecting a different movie, you'll be disappointed, it's typical Die Hard. Go see it with the expectation of some cheesy jokes and things exploding.

Second, I got dragged (somewhat literally) to see Transformers. Oh... my... god... That movie sucked. It had zero intelligence, I zoned out halfway through it. The script was painful to listen to. Okay okay, it started out okay. And then... it just got worse, and worse, and worse. I completely understand why all the people in the theater were 16-17 yr old boys. And that's actually an insult to a lot of teenage boys. The humor was gross, the script sucked and I was left sitting there wonder what in god's name got into Speilberg's head when he decided to make this movie. Complete trash. Probably fine for younger teenage boys but honestly can't see anyone else wasting money on it. Still stunned it's made as much as it has already.

Third, again, I'm a nerd. I went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. And I LOVED it. I haven't been a big fan of movies. Actually, take that back, I really really didn't like the first two, the third was alright and the fourth was actually fun. But this one, I actually want to go see it again. The special effects were SO good in this one. The acting has gotten better on the parts of Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) and Emma Watson (Hermione Granger). Who I didn't think were all that great since the first time I saw them. BUT Watson has continually gotten better, and Radcliffe finally seems to be coming into his own. If you gave up on the movies, I don't blame you, but do check out the last two, especially this one. This one is NOT for little kids!!! Of course, if you've read the books, you know better than to take your younger kids to this one. It's PG-13 for a REASON! PAY ATTENTION TO THE RATINGS FOLKS! Getting really tired of people not getting that this story matures with the character's aging.

Oh and I watched The Science of Sleep. It was so disappointing! I loved Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, but this was just dull. The animation was fun, but the story was really lacking. It just seemed like it was chasing its' tail and the ending just fell into a dark hole never to be seen again. No conclusion to the story, no real character development, it was as if they got so caught up in whether or not something would look cool they forgot to write a story. I was really disappointed in it. Didn't live up to Eternal Sunshine at all.

OHHHH!!! How could I forget! We went to go see Ratatouille and it was wonderful! So much fun, really good to take the whole family to. I honestly think it's the best they've done since Toy Story. It was funny and cute and the characters were really well thought out. I left the theater just smiling. It was adorable.

Movies I'm looking forward to seeing, The Simpsons Movie (hehe I know I knooow), The Bourne Ultimatum, Stardust, and The Invasion (looks good but we shall see). That's all I can think of for the moment, everything else is pretty much a wait and see what the reviews say thing lol I'm very movie minded today and I have no idea why.

Anywho, I've rented Flags of Our Fathers and Assault on Precinct 13 so if I really have a strong opinion about them I'll post it.

Ciao for the time being!

2007-07-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Robot Air Attack Squadron Bound for Iraq

My mother has a friend, who's son has been trained to operate these. He's finished training and will undoubtedly be with them in Iraq.

I'm just asking for some prayers for him. His name is Bryan, he's also married to a young woman in the Air Force.

Those of you that have heard me talk about him before know that his mother hates what he's doing. She's referred to him as a murderer and a disgrace to humanity. She's said even worse than that if that's believable. My mom won't talk to her anymore because of it, she can't support someone that treats their child this way.

So please, give some support to this brave young man and his wife. They're both putting a lot of the line for something they believe in.

Please, pray for them.

The Bitch is Back

2007-07-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm curious, when did all of America get together and discuss the steady decline of the intellectual nature of our programming on TV? And when did we all vote that this was cool, and we liked it, and we wanted it to keep going? When did we unanimously decide to shove our heads up our asses and ignore the real world because it was so much easier?

Forgive me, my frustration is showing.

Let's talk news headlines shall we? When did Brangelina become more important than say, a bus exploding in India or Afghanistan? I'm sorry, I'm sure this is silly to most Americans, hell, lets just make it most PEOPLE since we're certainly not the only ones suffering from this languorous state of intelligence.

In fact, when did it become more important for me to see Paris Hilton's crotch, or at least know it was seen, than to discuss things like illegal immigration? The fact that we have so many people that don't belong here, that have bypassed and cut off people going through the proper application processes, and sucking the life out of our social programs, not to mention everything ELSE that's wrong with it on moral and financial levels... Excuse me that turned into a run on sentence. What I was beginning to state was, the fact that all of this occurs, and we find it more important to discuss the private parts (literally and figuratively) of Paris Hilton, is not just disgusting, but pathetic. When did our kind, when did humanity, become so lazy as to ignore the issues and lavish itself in gossip?

We happily ignore the rising obsession with weight and dieting in this country, yet we praise and swoon over the "perfect" appearance of celebrities, politicians are included in this. (Think the people that actually think the Obama Girl video was not only serious, but accurate.) We also have completely ignored the fact that dieting has risen JUST as fast as our waist bands expanded. Curiously in sync don't you think? Too bad we had to figure out that stem cells might be used to increase women's bust sizes instead of someone studying the unhealthy effects of dieting.

We focus on our politicians "pop culture" IQ and their looks, more than we focus on their intelligence, their etiquette, their demeanor, their eloquent speech, or even perhaps their ability to represent our country with grace, elegance, and power.

I think it's high time we got back to basics, we returned to our roots. We looked at what this country was founded on. Freedom for all men, men meaning humans. The freedom to speak how we please, and the maturity to understand we are responsible for those words. That we have the freedom to strive, to struggle, to become whatever we may become, to succeed however is possible for us, yet not to expect all our wishes and hopes to be placed delicately at our feet. The ability to worship, or not, however we choose. To marry where our heart takes us. To vote how we please, for what we believe in. To look past the socialite status, and elect a person we think is worthy for the position we appoint them. To return to majority rules, instead of minority's guilt trips. And no, in case anyone wants to attack me on the last statement, I don't mean minority as in race, creed, or sex. I mean minority as in the group of people thinking the least like the rest.

Is it possible, can we become what our forefathers set for us to make ourselves into? Can we lay our pasts to rest, and move on? Can we learn our lessons from our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and live on in a better, more balanced world? Or have we gone so far down a path of pure stupidity, that we can't get back up unless we have yet another revolution in our now world wide society?

I'd like to think that all these mistakes we've made, the people we've raised to be apathetic and lazy, can muster what's needed, to create the world we're supposed to have. I'd like to think it's possible to stop blaming each other, to stop hating each other, at least for the most part, and to accept and forgive for everything we are, and everything we are not.

The sad thing is, I think I'm the minority.

Oh and guys? The bitch is back.

Life Update

2007-07-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

To have everything updated quickly...

Will's birthday was yesterday (July 6th) and he's now 22 years old. I'm teasing him that I'm dating an old man lol

I had an interview with Manpower (http://www.us.manpower.com/uscom/index.jsp) and they'll be in contact with me if any jobs are available to me. Meanwhile, I got a call from a company asking me to come in for an interview to be a recruiter. Sounded like a great job but it's too far north. Going to call back and ask her to keep my file on record since I might be able to take them up on it next year or so.

My aunt Carol and uncle John are moving to Phoenix in September. She was offered a job at a very luxurious nursing/assisted living center, I'm supposing as a supervisor. Anyway, it's a six figure income and they're paying for all her moving expenses soooo that's awesome. Not to mention health/dental insurance, 401(k), etc. So she's getting a really sweet deal. I'm just depressed because her and I had just started to develop a nice relationship. But... It's what's best for her. (Although I start to doubt that when Phoenix is at 116 degrees... .lol)

Angie sent me an email telling me an old friend of mine asked her to give me his number so we can get back in touch. I need to call him, he was such a great friend when we were kids. It'd be nice to get back in touch.

Things between my father and I have been... less than pleasant lately. It's making me insane. That in itself is about five entries here. I'm going to have to write an entry on it because it's very complicated. He just doesn't understand he's making me run as fast as I can out of this house. Anyway, not getting into that right now, it needs it's own entry.

The 4th was blah, we didn't do much at all. And it was a wonderful head butting day between me and my dad.

Will and I are still planning on me going to NY in a month or so. I'm really excited about that. I can't even begin to say how much I need to see him right now.

Other than that... I'm in a depressed funk and I can't get out.

Cute Joke

2007-07-02T10:18:00.001-07:00

Cute Joke
Cute joke mom sent me :o)

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,
a young mother watched through her kitchen window as her two little
boys played in a large puddle in her backyard.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the
back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the
mother ran to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said as she
shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' Mommy" he said. "I was baptizing him
in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes".

Forgiveness

2007-06-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

He forgave me... I don't know why but he did. Now we're planning for me to go see him for our anniversary (Sep 1st)... I miss him...

Broken Heart

2007-06-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

How did I do this? How did I screw up so badly? How could I do this? What is wrong with me? I broke his heart, I broke our trust, I destroyed everything our relationship was... For what? For nothing... No gain at all... Finally when I feel so madly in love, I confess to a wrong, feeling safe, hoping, praying he'll forgive me... and I lose it all... I've lost it all... He can't forgive me, and even if he does, he'll never forget. It'll tear us apart eventually, I know that. I've ruined it. I ruined us.

I want to take it back, I want to go back and change things. I fucked up, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hurt you and I never meant to. I was selfish, I was impulsive...

I threw it all away... for nothing and no one... I wish I could rip out my heart and give it to you...

I've never in my life hurt this badly... I've never in my life made this big of a mistake...

Please... Forgive me...

New Entry of Facts!

2007-06-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

New entry on Facts of Dreaming!

Hard Candy

2007-06-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Hard Candy is a movie about a girl, fourteen, who meets a thirty-two year old man over the internet; a predator that's been stalking her.

The movie starts out extremely innocent, they meet in a coffee shop, talk, laugh, discuss music. Subtle flirtations. The way so many girls are lured into a car they'll never leave.

Through a series of events she ends up in his house. Again, talking, laughing, and this time drinking. Then, however, things get interesting. Jeff passes out to awaken tied to a chair.

Suddenly the sweet innocent faced girl is brought into a very sharp light.

The gritty brutality of the movie is unflinching, yet, there is no real blood. Almost all of the pain experienced, is mental.

The character played by Ellen Page is, in a word, insane. But in many more, she's one of the most brilliant characters I've seen in a long time.

This movie, the acting especially, did not get the credit it deserved. I think perhaps for the simple fact the main, and most terrifying character, is a fourteen year old girl.

I happened to remember hearing about this movie just before it came out, and saw it on Blockbuster.com last year, so I finally got to rent it this month. I was curious if they could pull off this story. They did.

Just think of this movie as a little warning to the men that think no one's watching back.

You Asked Jimmy!

2007-06-14T22:53:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Jimmy for asking these! And if anyone else would like to chime in with questions, please feel free to!

1. If you had to pick a celebrity to look exactly like, who would you choose, and why?

There are so many beautiful women out there it's really hard to say lol This answer depends entirely on my current mood, if you asked me this tomorrow the answer would be different I swear lol Right now I'm going to say Nicole Kidman, back when she wasn't soooo rail thin. She's always been skinny but way back when she did movies like Dead Calm and Practical Magic, I thought she was SO beautiful in those movies. Those bright blue eyes, and beautiful hair, and that pure porcelain skin.

2. A Genie promises to grant you a wish on behalf of someone else. If you were to make the wish for Will, what do you think he'd want?

A job making good money in a field he loved. Probably something political, like political commentary, maybe government work. I know that having a good job is very important to him and would make him feel a lot better about his life. And I certainly don't want him to have a job in a field he doesn't get excited about working in.

3. You have to choose one of the following:
a. absolute national safety at the cost of some civil rights
b. absolute civil freedom at the cost of national security.

This... Is extremely tricky. Kind of the high wire act we're pulling right now isn't it? I'm going to have to ride the fence a little here because I don't think either could work. I think, at current moment, I'd have to go with A. Depending entirely on the extent at which civil rights are taken, and assuming we're talking about international policies, issues with civilian privacy, etc. In other words, defence against terrorist activity. I think that when you get to the level of threat the US is at now, we have to sacrifice some, to save a lot. And it's a very very thin line between protecting our country, and turning our once free country, into a more communist nation. It's something to be approached at with extreme caution, things like this are such slippery slopes. I'm sure that a lot of people won't understand my answer to this, won't be able to see my point of view; But when I know the extent of extremist Muslim support that goes on in the Twin Cities, the wonderfully well hidden facts, I get to the point where I'm quite thankful I have to take off my shoes in an airport.

I'll Tell, You Ask

2007-06-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

From De:o)

(A) First I recommend:

1. A movie: "Pan's Labyrinth" Incredible movie, highly underrated. NOT FOR KIDS!!! I can't stress that enough, I can't believe how many people ignored the R rating. It's a drama, not a fantasy. It's a beautiful look into how we learn to cope with tragic circumstances. It's dark but stunning. Probably my all time favorite drama.

2. An artist (books or comics): Alice Hoffman, she writes incredible stories. Darkly magical and yet so human, so real. She shows in her oh so unique way that sometimes, what we want isn't what we get... and that it can be for the best.

3. A musical artist, song, or album: Right now I'm having a love of Johnny Cash. My favorite song of all time is Nine Inch Nails' song "Hurt" preformed by Johnny Cash. The best album I've heard lately is Moby's "18." It has great flow.

(B) Now, I want everyone who reads this and comments, to ask me three questions. Ask me anything you want. No kidding, ANYTHING, I'll give you the absolute honest truth as long as it's not too personal, lol! (nothing relating to address or phone though)

(C) (Optional) Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.

Look forward to any questions! :o)

Recovery in Silence

2007-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. I've been quiet for a while now huh? There are good reasons, believe me, there are. Finding a place to start listing them is difficult, even for wordy me.

Taking a few deep breathes before I dive head first into this.

We'll start from where I left off. My life feeling like it was falling apart.

We were in serious financial trouble. Our lease is up on our house July 6th. We aren't approved for a loan yet. We don't have a house in mind. We're lost. We have barely a month to pack. It's happened before, I know we can make it out of that. Moving within a month isn't impossible, just very difficult.

Now the financial situation is what worried me.... My parents business was in serious trouble. We were in a lot of debt during my last entry. The kind that makes people lose their business. We had a sale at the store and business has picked up. God's hands are all over my life, let me tell you... We're doing well enough to get by, but we still need to have business pick up more.

My dad's cousin died, I never met her and dad hadn't seen her since he was a bit older than me. There wasn't a deep emotional bond there, but losing another family member, no matter how removed, is a jolting thought.

On the 22nd we put our little female cat to sleep. Jack was very sick, and she had been sick like this before. It was obvious it'd be a painful and recurring condition. The most humane thing we could do was have her put down. I miss my little Jacqueline. We called her lots of things, Lil Bit, Jack O Lantern, Jack-alack, Jacqueline, Jumping Jack Flash, Fuzzy Butt... She had an adorable manner and the sweetest little smile constantly on her face. I wish we could have given her a better life. So... Here I will formally say goodbye. I love you Jack-alack... I miss you baby girl. You were such a little darling. I'll miss your little voice in the morning when I'd walk into the hall, and the cute way you would flip over for me to rub your belly. That adorable pink nose, outlined in black. You were a darling. I'll never ever forget you baby.

My uncle Richard and my grandma Judy came up here the 25th and spent the night. They came up for the birthday party we have every year for my uncle and aunt Carol. Their birthday's are close together. I hadn't seen my grandma Judy in three years, so it was really nice to see her.

On the 26th Will flew in so he'd be here for the party on the 27th. It was very important to me that he meet my grandma and uncle and he understood that. He and his father worked out the details for him to be here for that.

We had a wonderful week, we spent days laying around watching movies, I dragged him to the MOA and we went to the movies to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Yesterday we went to the Minnesota Zoo where he very patiently mused my complete adoration of prairie dogs lol I think we spent twenty minutes watching them lol

I had so much fun this past week. It made everything seem better. He took my mind off of everything that's going on. He constantly made me laugh so hard my head started to spin and my stomach would ache.

He and I looked at some real estate, trying to get an idea of what we're up against when it comes to finding a place here together. I think we can handle it.

This whole week confirmed my complete devotion to our relationship. I realized just how happy he makes me, how much he supports me and nurtures me. He is such a blessing to me.

We snuck around so we could sleep in the same bed. (Parents not happy with that idea even though they know we slept in the same bed the whole time I was in NY with him in October.) I love how it feels to lay there wrapped up in his arms and feel him slowly dose off around me.... even when he snores lol It's great to wake up first thing in the morning and give him a kiss, morning breath or not, I don't care, I like it lol

I felt like this trip completely cemented our relationship. Sometimes you feel that change come and go and you don't ever feel it when it happened. That's how this feels. I know we turned a corner, but I don't remember it happening.

Maybe he thinks what I'm thinking, maybe he doesn't. But I've got this deep yearning feeling for something so much more than this.

I'm definitely ready to live together. I'm so ready for it to happen. I want my other half with me. I know myself when I'm with him. I don't feel insecure or anything. I feel completely at ease. He's healthy for me. This is good for me.

He left at about 1:30 this afternoon. It's 5:15 in the evening.

I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him again.

I love you baby. Thank you for coming, for meeting my family, for knowing how important this was for me...You gave me everything I so desperately needed right now. You were my relief. I can't wait to have you back home. No one else will get this but you, baby; Thank you for my home.

One Deep Breath, One Big Step

2007-05-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

There are things I don't like to talk about. There are quite a few things I don't talk to anyone about. I simply don't mention them because I don't want to turn it into a "thing." No one has a clue what's going on with me right now. I haven't talked to anyone. I don't know how to.

I'm starting to come to grips with something I'm not willing to accept.

I'm such a good liar. I can laugh and smile and ignore what's staring me in the face. It's not there, that big elephant sitting in the corner. It's not there. The truth isn't true, what's real isn't happening, what hurts isn't me.

Why am I back here... Why is this happening again? I'm scared to death and smiling the whole time. I can't tell if my denial is a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't even know how to tell you about it. I really don't. If I make this public and talk about it, it means people will comment, and if they comment, I have to talk about it. I have to hear about it.

I'd have to accept everything. And I can't do that.

God, I know I haven't been the best, but this isn't right. Please don't let it happen God. Please. Give me strength. Don't let this fall apart.

How to Know You're Beautiful

2007-05-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

It's easy for me to know I'm beautiful, at least on the inside. There's one test that never ever fails.

The test is simple, and effective. It's fail proof. It can't lie, it won't lie, it barely knows how.

The test is a child.

I realized this today sitting down for dinner. We'd had a long long day, getting the store ready for a warehouse sale we're having this weekend and next. It was 9:30 at night, we're exhausted from painting and wallpapering and cleaning, so we stop at this Chinese restaurant for dinner. We kinda know the dynamics of the family, we've eaten there a few times, small place, always the same people, all family owned.

But tonight... There was a little boy that couldn't have been more than 4-5 years old. The cutest, funniest, friendliest little boy I have met in AGES. They came here... from... China lol and so he doesn't speak a whole lot of English but he's picked up quite a bit, especially phrases he hears his mom say a lot. (His favorites were "hot plate," "hello/hi," "be careful," "fried rice," and "goodbye, have nice day" lol So sweet.)

And, being the only people in there besides the family, which we had interrupted dinner (hate that), we were vastly more interesting than anything else lol He and dad talked quite a bit, he showed dad drawings and of course gave us warnings of how hot the [empty] plates were lol

He was jabbering away in his half English half Chinese way of talking, and I was giggling SO hard because, as we all know, little boys LOVE to help mommy do their work!... while positioning themselves directly under mama's feet lol I was getting so tickled by him I could barely keep myself together.

Then after "mom" has brought out my soup, the the little boy (Tony) zips off some little sentence in Chinese and I can't tell if he's just talking like some little boys do, or if he's actually talking lol And mom asks him something and he repeats it and she turns and says to me, "Oh, he says you're very beautiful." I laugh and give a big smile and say, "Well thank you!"

Here I am, sweaty, dirty, covered in paint and wallpaper glue and a little boy tells me I'm beautiful. I truly am convinced little children look straight past everything, right into your eyes and see your soul. It was the best experience I've had in ages. Being told by a 4-5 year old that I'm "very beautiful" was definitely the highlight of my day. I'll be smiling for days lol

Remembering

2007-05-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

There are movies that get under your skin, they reach the deepest parts of you. They touch an old wound, they remind you of things that have been lost. I'm probably one of the few people that wants to remember that. I believe that remembering what you've lost, where you come from, the things you've seen and felt, is the greatest blessing there is. I believe that even the bad things, even the painful things, serve a greater purpose.

You might be wondering where this came from and it's very simple. I rented United 93 last week and finally forced myself to watch it. I knew it would emotionally drain me. And it did. But it reminded me too, and remembering is good.

It reminded me of how the day went. It reminded me of the many great Americans we lost that day. It reminded me of the wake up call this country got. I know that my generation had never considered such things a threat to our country, our way of life. I speak for myself on that I'm sure, but it's a point I'm convinced of. The motto was "at least it's not in our country." That viewpoint was eradicated with me after that day. Global politics suddenly became very important to me.

But what I really want to talk about, is bravery. A thing that seems in short supply these days, when holding a door open is about as brave and courageous as people get on a regular basis. We ignore our heroes; the people that protect us. We've lost respect for police, for our military, for our firefighters, coast guard. We've lost sight of what these men and women do on a routine basis. Every day, these people put their lives on the line. Ever day they're willing to give up family, marriage, friends, a future, for the sake of saving someone else's. Selfless is a word we don't use much anymore, yet that is what these men and women are. Selfless.

We're astonished when ordinary men and women, meaning teachers, cab drivers, stay at home mom, repair man, etc, put their lives, their well being on the line. But men and women who have devoted their lives to it, barely get a mention.

I pray we don't have another 9/11, I pray that this doesn't happen again in my lifetime, but I know it will. History repeats itself when we do not learn from it. And I don't believe this country learned what it should have. I don't believe that we remember what happened, that we remember the pain and devastation. I don't believe we remember that the ENTIRE COUNTRY SHUT DOWN on 9/11.

I don't believe we remember to protect ourselves, and these monsters that want to kill everyone that's different from them, have even used their OWN children to strap bombs too. When I say children I mean well under 16 years of age. I mean toddlers and infants. I don't think people remember that these extremists don't care who they kill, and willingly destroy the life of a child they gave birth too. If you think that it's the exception, you need to take a better look at what's going on. It's becoming much more popular than using just an adult. They learned we think that people with children are well intentioned, and are ready to use that against us.

We did not learn from the past. I have little doubt that these monsters will continue attacks, and there will be many more on this country before people finally wake up. I've had too many family members in the military to not know how screwed up public perception is. My grandfather worked classified cases in the Army, he has access to the the most highly classified files; if anyone would know the difference between what's being told and what's going on, it'd be him. It's times like these I wish he could tell me what to do.

But, I will still pray my children won't see a world like this. I pray that our country will understand soon. I pray that the lives of people, like those on United 93, people that have fought back, won't have died in vain.

The Interview

2007-05-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

I asked Kris to interview me as part of her meme lol

1. As writers, we sometimes find inspiration in the strangest of places. Describe a time when you were inspired to write something completely out of the ordinary.

Out of the ordinary? Um... I wrote a story on a ghost once, but I never finished it lol I read it a few months ago and felt like it was complete crap lol

2. What is your single most cherished memory from childhood?

Oh wow that's hard... I had a lot a really good times growing up, but they're all vastly different, picking one isn't easy. I suppose when I was about three or four years old, it was 4th of July. We'd been working all day and it was melting hot, those scorching Texas summers. My mom had been cooking all day, we ate like pigs lol The carnival had closed at around 11-12 somewhere in there and Dad had bought beer, sodas, chips, and we'd had a watermelon on ice since noon. All the crew, Jaime, Bill, Mike, all the guys I remember like big brothers and uncles, loaded up in one of the work trucks. Patrick and Austin and their parents, D.D. and Rhonda, loaded up in their truck, and my parents got everything together (chips, sodas, the boxes and boxes of fireworks) and we found this empty watermelon field. We parked the trucks along the dirt road and the party started lol We lit tons of fireworks and I was covered in watermelon juice. It was a really great night, made a huge impression on me. I doubt anyone else remembers this specific one though, there were so many years we did that.

3. We all have guilty pleasures in life, be it five-dollar lattes or a tendency toward buying designer shoes. Name a few of your own.

Clothing and makeup are two big weaknesses. Books I can't help myself on, I buy them all the time lol But the most useless thing I can buy that I really don't need ever yet I indulge in is... CDs lol I'm a music whore lol

4. What astrological sign are you? Do you feel it resembles your actual personality?

Actually I'm two lol I was born on the cusp between Scorpio and Sagittarius. Anyone that really knows me knows I'm very much a Scorpio, I have so many of those traits it's not even funny, but when I'm just chatting with people, I'm much more of a Sagittarius lol I think there's a science to the madness, but it's never completely right and I really don't believe in "predictions" based on signs.

5. In remembrance of the Columbine massacre and given the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech, is there something you see lacking in our government and society that may have prevented either of these mass murderings?

I know a lot of people would say more gun control but I don't think it's the answer. People that really want to kill people, like this last psycho, will find a way to do it no matter what. They'll use knives, bombs, cars, even a bio weapon if they're smart enough, or at least informed enough, to learn how to make one. There are a lot of ways to kill people, and getting rid of guns isn't the solution.

What needs to happen, in my opinion, is more awareness. People having a better ability to protect themselves. I know I'm not in the minority in thinking "what if someone could have stopped him" when it comes to VT. The media also plays a huge role, they (intending to or not) glorify the role of the killer, which inspires others to do the same. Going down in a "blaze of glory" is what all these monsters want to do. The media needs to be a lot more cautious in how it approaches these situations, rather than going for ratings; but we all know that will never happen, not as long as ratings are god.

And Will pointed out something else I agree with, thank you baby for reminding me to add this lol I think that it's okay to have it be a longer process for people to be able to buy guns, good law abiding people will be okay with that. There should even be special cases where, if need be, a person can get a gun sooner. (Protection from a stalker, they have a restraining order, and someone vouching for their character, for example.) People need a way to protect themselves. The criminals on the street shooting at each other, the ones that do drive bys that kill a little girl (happened on my birthday one year), those people won't obey the laws, they won't ever have licensed guns, but the people that do obey the law, should have the right to protect themselves however needed.

If you want to play, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

1. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

2. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.

3. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

4. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

"Are you stupid? Or just a little slow?"

2007-04-29T21:16:00.001-07:00

"Alright so this is a song about anyone, it could be anyone.
You're just doing your own thing and some one comes out the blue,
They're like,
'Alright'
What ya saying,
'Yeah can I take your digits?'
And you're like, 'no not in a million years, you're nasty
please leave me alone.'"

Have you ever been in the creepy situation? You know the one I mean, the sleaziest guy/gal in the whole place deciding their most charming move is to hang themselves over your arm/shoulder/waist?

I have. Lots. I hate it. I attract losers like a magnet. I've been addicted to the song "Knock Em Out" by Lily Allen. Because I related. Terrible but I relate.

"Oh yeah, actually yeah I'm pregnant, having a baby in like 6 months so no, yeah, yeah..."

I've actually used this line.

But listening to this song reminds me of the worst moment of my life... when it comes to these specific males that think they're incredible.... and you think they're incredibly gross.

So I shall share with you my most uncomfortable moment ever.

We're, oh yes, this happened with my PARENTS sitting across the table... So, we're sitting in this burger joint, nice place, and the waiter comes up. He seems sweet, very freindly, making jokes, nice waiter. He asks what I want to drink and I do the worst thing possible... I smile politely and give my order.

He comes back with the drinks and we're ready to order burgers. He sits down next to me and gives me this smile. And that's when the little "oh shit" light goes off in my head. He thinks I was hitting on him. Oh dear god. I ordered a soda and now I'm hitting on him. What in god's name doesn't connect in his brain?

I just move a little further over (this is a booth table) and give him my order, and he does one of the most annoying moves a man can make. He smiles, gives me the SHOULDER BUMP, ladies, you know what I'm talking about, it's the cutsie shoulder bump.

He leaves and both my parents stare at me. I glare at dad and say "um you just wanted to sit there?" He finds this all too entertaining and sadly so does my mother.

He comes back gives me THAT smile... That "I'm picturing you naked right now" smile. I barely make eye contact, eat very little of my food (I'm feeling ill at this point) and refuse to smile at this guy again. He's got the very very wrong idea and I just want out of there. I didn't have the guts at the time to actually say anything lol

"Can't knock em out, can't walk away,
Try desperately to think of the politest way to say,
Just get out my face, just leave me alone,
And no you can't have my number,
Because I've lost my phone."

So Mr Bright Eyes cleans off the table comes back with the check and sits next to me.

And then he does it.

The thing we all dread.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder. My eyes bug out and I try and wiggle away, forcing myself to the end of the booth. He won't let go. My parents are just staring. They're so utterly floored they can't even react. I push the guy back, as politely as I can possibly be. He never acknowledged he crossed the line and I was so mortified I couldn't speak. (I was 16, this was before I learned to tell a guy to go have fun all by himself.)

Here's a little background on me you might not be aware of. I hate strangers touching me. I HATE IT. And when I was 16, when this happened, I hated ANYONE touching me. Touch is extremely personal to me, always has been. My little orb of invisible personal space is my shield. It's my haven. He completely crossed that line.

And to this day... I hate going to that burger joint. I still put up a little fight going there.

"Go away now, let me go,
Are you stupid? Or just a little slow?
Go away now I've made myself clear,
Nah it's not gonna happen,
Not in a a million years"

So guys, I know you're all well aware of this, but please tell your male friends, DO NOT TOUCH WOMEN YOU DON'T KNOW! lol

This has been a public service announcement.

Ladies remember:

"Nah I've gotta go cos my house is on fire,
I've got herpes, err no I've got syphilis...
AIDS, AIDS, I've got AIDS!"

(BTW, to listen to "Knock Em Out" by Lily Allen, you can visit her MySpace page, search Lily Allen, or copy and paste: http://www.myspace.com/lilymusic )

Love or Hate: Is All News Bad News?

2007-04-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

"I once made a speech to a group and as a prop had picked a front page of my own newspaper at random. I clipped out all of the negative stories on Page One. What I had left to hold up to the audience were the name of the newspaper and the weather report. That's all that was left of the front page. Every story on that particular page had been about crime, controversy and tragedy."
--Charley Reese

Seems like a silly question I know, but watching the news I can't help but wonder which we value more as a society. Do we value the madman that killed innocent people, more than we value a man that sacrificed his life, for others'?

Liviu Librescu was a professor at Virginia Tech. He sacrificed his life to save his students' lives. Yet... I have heard little about him. But the psychotic killer, whose name I won't even give the respect of mentioning, has gotten an immense amount of glory. Yes, glory, this kind of attention is what twisted people like that monster want in death.

What Mr Librescu did was an act of bravery we don't hear about too often in this country. I say hear about because it happens much more than we actually hear. Maybe it takes surviving the Holocaust to make this man mentionable, or perhaps it's just that he was connected to Virginia Tech which is now a major marketing ploy in the entertainment business, oh excuse me, I mean new programs... Or is there much of a difference anymore?

Let's take a moment and wonder something shall we? What if this man was at some unknown school in Idaho? What if the gunman hadn't killed 32, but was just wanting someone in that room? What if Mr Librescu wasn't a Holocaust survivor? Would we hear about it at all? It would make local news, surely, but national? I hardly dare to risk saying it would.

I'm not trying to denote anything Mr Librescu did. He's a hero. His courage saved lives at the cost of his own. I pray that there will be more people like him in this world.

But what I am saying is this... What makes news? Is it that something good happened? A miraculous cure for a child dying of a mystery illness? A success in Iraq? That Jordan security stopped a transport of WMDs from Syria?

Or, is it perhaps the opposite. The Army post that was attacked and where casualties were high? Where a child was shot in a drive by? Where a rare species just went extinct from deforestation?

And then, after we answer that question which most of us see as obvious, who is to blame? Is it the media? Is it us? Is it the fat cats that say what we get to hear?

If it's us, can't you argue that we're only taking what we're being fed?

If not, can't you then say that they give us what we want? That it's not their fault their ratings soar when they report disasters?

Or are we helping to feed this endless cycle of despair we watch on the nightly news, do we thrive off each other, making this something that is so large, so out of control now, that we can't stop it?

I don't know about you... But I don't want my children growing up in a world where they think everyone is out to do something bad to them. I don't want them to fear the old man next door that offers them candy, I don't want them not helping a bleeding friend because the fear of disease is extreme, I don't want them thinking that when daddy goes to work, someone might come in shooting.

So... I thank you Mr Librescu. You saved the lives of many, and you brought harsh light upon something I was happy to ignore. Thank you, sir. You did more than you could ever know. May you rest in peace.

I Remember

2007-04-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dedicating this post to all my military family and the son of my dad's friend, Nolan. We remember you're over there hun! We haven't forgotten. Come home safe, we miss you.

And to Bryan. Your mother may be ashamed of you honey, but know that there's a whole lot of people in this world that are proud of you. You're risking your life for what you believe in. Be safe. Your wife wants you home.

It's the Easter-- Peter-- Bunny? Rabbit?

2007-04-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

Screw it, it has ears and a fuzzy tail and may or may not be a religious symbol.

And it lays eggs. YES A RABBIT LAYS EGGS!!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?!

If we're going to debate something why not the fact the friggin rabbit lays eggs... ::grumble::

School Renames Easter Bunny 'Peter Rabbit'

What People Might Say

2007-04-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I stay away from the political playing field on this. Not to mix business and pleasure you could say.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I can't keep my mouth shut.

The media stuns me at times. Really it does. I'm not getting into the oh-so blatant agenda of the local news station, which literally left my jaw dropped after seeing what they played. The absolutely propaganda of it was astonishing.

But here, this little nothing detail, is what sickened me.

As some of you may know, if you pay a lot of attention anyway, we had some very... embarrassing, anti-war protests. Now, believe me, you don't agree with the war, that's fine; I don't agree with you, I think it's far too complicated to go into here, but I everyone is entitled to their opinion. "I may not agree with what you say but I'll fight for your right to say it." Think that's a really good statement of how the world is now.

But, anyway, getting off point here.

They're talking about the protesters, for a good oh, 10 minutes, maybe more. They had blocked traffic on one of the streets. Now hold on a second... If you REALLY pay attention you can tell this "protest" is just a handful of college kids. Really. But they never mention how many people it was, though they film it to make it look like there were many many more people than were actually there. You had to pay attention but it was obvious what they did.

Here's the funny thing, they don't mention the part about it blocking traffic until the end of all this. They make it into a seemingly sympathetic story in favor of the protesters.

Protesting is our right as Americans. Wish more people understood that we have to fight to keep that right but not everyone understands the need for war, which is where people like the ones that did this last protest come in.

Now why do I say all this? Why do I bring all this up? Why am I starting to sound like I hate free speech? (Which fyi I obviously don't, I have a blog ffs.)

Because of the banners they held up. Because of the disgusting behavior. Because they disgrace their country.

Because the banners read loudly "Thank God for Dead Soldiers."

Sometimes I think cutting our population in half isn't a bad idea.

I was in complete shock reading the banners and hearing their little "war cry." Pun not intended.

I come from a very heavy military family. I was raised with enough common sense to know that wars happen, and we need someone to defend what's right when they do happen. Hearing a person take pride and to celebrate the death of MY FAMILY MEMBERS was so callous and cold I couldn't register it at first.

There are two kinds of people I want to fall off the face of the earth. They're one of that kind.

But here it is. I didn't get mad. I'm still not mad. I'm disappointed. I'm saddened. Not that they said such horrible things; not that at all actually, even though I think it was disgusting. But in the fact that it barely made an impact on me; the fact that I felt almost nothing seeing that; that I expect it now.

There's something wrong when I'm not the slightest bit astonished by such behavior.

I'm afraid of what people might say next.

Not because they'll say it, but because I might prove myself further numbed to the tragedies in our society.

I Need "Nervous Breakdown" as an Emotion on MySpace

2007-03-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

His flight is leaving on time. Thank you GOD!!! I was so freaked out that the storm would screw things up. Oh please please please don't let him get a lot of turbulence from this thing. He'll be so freaked. AGH!!!

I'll breathe.

Tomorrow.

Until tomorrow however I plan on blow drying my hair beautiful, clothing, makeup, and trying to actually eat something. I say try because the fact that he's actually coming has just hit me. And it's freaking the hell out of me. Every little thing that I'm nervous about has been tossed into the limelight right now.

Oh well... Least grandma's making fried chicken for Will lol He'll love it. She's doing a big southern country dinner. When I called her last night to see who in my family will be at this grand inquisition into his character, she said, "He's a big boy and big boys need good hearty farm food." That made me feel good. There was this real affectionate tone to how she said it. Made me happy.

AND, who all's coming for Dinner Sunday is a small group so I don't have to worry about overloading Will. Easy as hell to do in my family lol People can get lost in the chaos no problem lol It'll just be my cousin Martha, my aunt Carol, uncle John, and grandma. No Lisa and Aaron (cousin and bf), no Matt and Alise(cousin and gf), no Josh (Martha's friend), no Bob and Rita (grandma's neighbor's). So I know he'll make it somehow lol

Okay.

Relax shoulders.

Imagine a peaceful place.

Breathe.

Whenever my heart stops skipping beats that is.

New Survey

2007-03-15T12:58:00.001-07:00

New survey on Facts!

Haha, I Thought I Blogged This

2007-03-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ohhh would you believe I forgot to blog this? I can't.

Well. At 12:30 tomorrow morning Will's plane lands. Here. In Minnesota. To stay here with me for spring break and meet the folks.

Hehe... Told you I couldn't believe I didn't blog this. It's only mildly major.

I'm cleaning up the house right now.

Oh yeah you also didn't know I had a cold for the last week. And food poisoning right before. What is it about me seeing Will and me getting sick somewhere around the same time? That's just not fair.

So anyway, I'm having coughing fits still and washing sheets and cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming and UGH! It's too much to do when your head feels like it's about to explode. Nasal decongestant my ass.

Well I just loaded my Mp3 with new songs to keep me moving despite the "OMG YOU IDIOT WHY ARE YOU EVEN MOVING!!!???" headache I have right now.

Oh and the weather says NY is going to get hit with a snow storm tonight and tomorrow. Joy. It better not be bad or I'm going to be majorly pissed.

Okay, so ya'll know what's going on now. You won't hear from me unless something goes wrong for the next week most likely lol So no news is great news.

Love to everyone and hope no one else has the icky cold like me.

THANK YOU!!!

2007-03-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

"Hello,

Your blog has been reviewed, verified, and cleared for regular use so that
it will no longer appear as potential spam. If you sign out of Blogger and
sign back in again, you should be able to post as normal. Thanks for your
patience, and we apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

Sincerely,
The Blogger Team"

Me. Spam. As IF.

Growl.

Update: Big White

2007-03-01T23:33:00.000-08:00

Mom and dad are there and safe. Didn't get to stay where they wanted, reservations got screwed up, but they're okay and that's what really matters to me.

Hope everyone has a good night!

Big White

2007-03-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in the middle of the biggest snow storm to hit Minnesota in 14 years. According to the news anyway. I haven't lived here that long, I wouldn't know. I do know it's the worst I have yet to experience. The drifts on my deck and patio have completely blocked in the back doors by about three to four feet of snow. My neighbors are constantly going out to shovel and use their snow blowers, because at 22" it's really hard to dig out from that.

Oh and yeah.

My parents are going to Stillwater. They just left.

I'm sick to my stomach with worry. If they hadn't planned this little getaway so far in advance I'd have begged them not to go. I trust my dad's driving abilities, especially in this weather. He's driving a 4X4 truck, a reliable little thing and I trust it too.

But I don't trust the other Minnesotans on the road. Not one bit.

The news is reporting over 500 accidents. Just today.

They said there have been reports of roughly a THOUSAND cars in ditches. Exaggerated? Probably, I find local news does that often. However the 500 accidents was reported by the police department in the Twin Cities.

And this isn't even halfway over.

I made sure mom and dad brought blankets and pillows, cell phone chargers, water, and granola bars. Knowing my area, I'm preparing to lose power, cable, and/or water.

Thanking god for the shitty little gas fireplace I have downstairs right about now. It might end up being my only source of heat.

Hope for best, prepare for worst right? God I hate living in the sticks.

Mom left me the rental car so I have something to drive if I absolutely have to. I only have my permit but I know how to drive, so the only thing that makes me nervous is the snow. Good thing is, I have a car phone charger for my phone too, so if power goes out, I'll still have a phone.

Oh and I found out Blogger, has now blocked me from posting there. They flagged me as a spam blog. WHY, I have no idea, but they did. So, I filled out the form for a review so I can get my blog back. I'll be really ticked if they delete that.

I've got a flatbed load of emergency numbers. Mom's freaked about leaving me home alone for a few days in this weather. I told her that's silly, I'M not the one driving four hours (with the way weather is). I'm staying at home. With TV dinners, a couple skillet meals, bagged salads, a five gallon jug of water, a pantry loaded with canned food, and a gas fireplace, not to mention enough blankets and pillows to cover a small nation.

I'll be fine.

It's THEM that I'm worried about.

People here can't drive when there's snow. Silly isn't it? We live in Minnesota and no one can drive in snow. They go too fast, they don't clear the snow off their windows and mirrors and plates, OR the top of their car/truck. Why people don't get that that snow can go flying into someone else's windshield causing a crash is beyond me. To me that's basic common sense.

Oh wait, I live in a world where common sense is dead. Never mind. It's suddenly all clear to me.

I've got some movies rented and newly purchased. I've still got Curse of the Jade Scorpion rented out to me, I'll probably watch that again. I need a silly movie. Good Woody Allen movie btw, if you haven't seen it. If you like Woody Allen you'd love this one. Dry snappy humor, noiresque, very funny, somewhat satirical.

So, I'm going to take a nice hot shower, clean up around here, grab a blanket, and curl up on the couch with a good movie. Wish my parents luck. I'll update as soon as I know they're safe.